Young Writers Society

Hey Sylar!

I actually really like that this is more of a paragraph poem, though I'm not so sure it was on purpose. I like the way that you're using punctuation too. It really makes the poem roll and flow as you keep going because you hit that point, and just all of the periods and commas and everything are gone and you just have to keep reading.

As someone reading it out loud, it might be hard to manage, but I definitely think you should continue to explore that aspect of poetry. You're doing a good job with it.

Overall, I feel like there was a little bit of repetition in this poem that could have been eliminated. Like we hear about the waving a few times too close together in my opinion, but I really like the repetition of the smells because that's really what this poem focuses around. So the smells repetition is good, the waving repetition, I'm not exactly sure that's an integral part of the story so it doesn't strike me as something that bears repeating as often as you do, which isn't very often as it is.

I think you might get some better results for the overall emotional content of the poem if you played with making it paragraphs, rather than a paragraph, because there is definitely a break in this poem and I think giving the reader a chance to visually pause would be good considering the length of "this text might be too much for a single kindle page" sort of rule of thumb. Now that's completely up to you, but I think it's something you might want to consider.

Overall, I really like how you handled a love poem because it's unique to you and expresses your situation, not the situation of anyone else. To me Poetry should be about that, about an individual experience which is relatable to a whole. Here, you're grasping onto smell rather than sight which is something we all recognize and understand just as a function of being human. We recognize the smell of home, and here, you're recognizing the smell of a boyfriend* (I think the description said he was your girlfriend at the time but is now your boyfriend so I'm going to go with boyfriend and he) and I really enjoy that aspect of your poetry.

You should be somewhat careful to follow along with general grammar closer to the top of the poem like you are, however. I think you're missing some commas in places I'd expect them, and since "Say Anything" is a song, it should be in quotation marks.

"Normally I attach a smell to a person I find myself falling in love with, but this time, nothing" Here, after "Normally" should have a comma.

So overall I love the stream of conscience you've got going on in this poem and the flow that you sort of get into a rolling beat. Keep it up!

Hey, yo, Sylar! Strange on this kind of interesting Thursday night and I have a review for you!

>Poetry, romantic, teen fiction

Okay, so that about sets it up. This oozed with mushy gushy romantic feelies, which is a turn-off for some people when it comes to poetry. I didn't mind it that much. I respect when someone has their own feelings and like to express it. It would be ridiculous to trash love like this when someone is happy. I'm going to critique the poem itself.

This didn't feel like a poem. It felt more like a blogpost, something that shouldn't be posted under Poetry. I'll explain more, but basically this is stream of consciousness, a rant/heart exposé and that's it. You didn't format it to be presented like an average poem. There are some sentences that go on for miles. I'm uncertain on what the work really should be. Let's get into this, shall we?

When I first met her, she smelled like nothing. I was confused. Normally I attach a smell to a person I find myself falling in love with, but this time, nothing. I'm beginning to attach sights and sounds and inside jokes and when she passes me in the hallway she waves at me and I feel alive again.

we're listening to Say Anything

She loves me just like I love her and it's like she passes me in the hallway and waves a thousand times put together and the next day we're listening to Say Anything and we look at each other and we kiss.

She has a smell.

Once I walked into her room I realized that smell was her deoderant and her house and I loved it and I wanted it near me all around me constantly and it was our one month anniversary and she smelled like ramen and seawater and we didn’t sleep and I touched her skin and it felt so smooth it felt like everything I’ve ever wanted and on New Year’s Day we took our clothes off and she smelled like rubber and it was so good I needed it again and again and the next day she smelled like tears and her screams left me numb but when I touch her she smells like sex and I thought brown eyes were boring but then I saw hers and I’ve never fallen that hard before she doesn’t wave at me during class now we walk together and she kisses me and her smell lingers on my body and I want it all around me and inside me and it feels so good it hurts and oh god I’m in love with a smell.

I love how you put not one but SEVERAL smells and were able to put it into things that we can touch, see, taste. It sent chills up my spine, it made me feel a lot of things. I feel like this could be a type of poetry because it just has this flow to it that, so I'm glad you properly named it the "Love Poem". One thing though, I love how you used the sensations and the smells, you made us fall in love with the emotions, but maybe you could put more about your special person and allow readers to see into what you see in them. Idk if that makes sense, it was just a suggestion . I loved it.