I.
There are muffled voices in the other room
She clears her throat
Two clocks
Out of sync
A dull clicking at different times
The air conditioning’s loud static noise
Trudges through marmalade walls and sighs
It is a silence like no others
II.
There is an elephant in the room
Honestly,
There is a dinosaur puppet
There is an old rug
There is a Time magazine teetering
Over the edge
Of a beaten up coffee table
I know they are talking about me I know it
There is an elephant in the room
I am alone
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hello, Sylar!
I gave this poem a like because I really understand how the speaker in the poem feels and because of the way you allow the reader to fill in the blanks, but still create a vivid experience for the reader.
That being said, there are a few things that could be improved upon.
First of all, I noticed that there is a repetition of "there is" or "there are." While these are grammatically correct, they are in the passive voice because they use a form of the verb "to be." So instead of saying "There is a Time magazine teetering," use teetering as the verb to create a more straightforward image. "A Time magazine teeters" is a stronger sentence. This goes for your other images that are preceded by "there are" as well.
Another example would be your first line.
Try using a verb that personifies the voices. "muffled voices creep under the door from the other room" or "muffled voices scurry in from the other room like mice" or something like that. Using a form of the verb "to be" takes away opportunities for more description.
Another thing is the "elephant in the room" cliche. It does get the point across, but I think it would be interesting if the speaker was examining a literal elephant in the room, like the other objects are literally there. It could be a porcelain elephant, or an elephant on a pillow. As it is, the use of it as its figurative meaning allows it to become an old cliche. Take command of that cliche. Let your audience know that you know it's a cliche by turning it into something else. A literal elephant in the room.
The last line leads me to believe that the speaker thinks that they are the elephant. I like this image. Perhaps bring the image of the literal elephant that I talked about above closer to the speaker, like a t-shirt or even a design on a mug that they're drinking tea out of.
While the title works, I think you should reconsider naming it something that conveys more of the imagery in the poem rather than the literal meaning. I think it would make the poem more attractive overall.
Altogether, I really enjoyed reading this. I hope that you find this review useful. Have a good day, and keep poeting!
Hi, Queenofscience here for a review. Wow! The part," I want to die. "From coming from someone who has a mental illness this is hard-core. This mustn't been so hard. Like you, i used to self harm. Bare in mind that the therapist probably acted that way because they determine if your really going to hurt yourself. Very good piece. Very strong. I get it, you know.
Keep writing!!!
Hi, Queenofscience here for a reviw. Wow! The part," I want to die. "From coming from somone who has a mental ilness this is hard-core. This mustv'e been so hard. Like you, i used to self harm. Bare in mind that the therpist probaly acted that way because they determen if your really going to hurt yourself. Very good peice. Very stron. I get it, you know.
Keep writing!!!
This piece has a lot of emotion in it. Very good description of the waiting room. I have just one suggestion.
When it says "I know they are talking about me I know it", maybe you'd want to say "I know they are talking about me, I know it". Overall, though, this is a very heartfelt piece, so, great writing. I know what it feels like to be talked about.
Really raw, really good. The description of the room in the second stanza is tight and the elephant in the room bit is really quite witty.
Hello there Sylar! This is Luata here for a review! This is a very heartfelt piece, so please, only take my suggestions with a grain of salt!
The poem itself seems rather disjointed, although I am not sure if that is the effect that you were aiming for, it does lend itself to the poem, in my opinion, noting that I am no expert.
This entire stanza, I suppose, for lack of a better word, confuses me. It doesn't appear to have much to do with the main theme of what you are writing about and I think that it detracts from the poem itself. I would recommend rewording, or maybe even replacing it with something else.
I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Write on
~Luata
Hey there, the poem you written was good and simple.Mild Meltdown is a good name for this poem .As far as this poem is good to listen but my suggestion for you would be including rhyming words so that the poem will have it's own beauty .Try to add a rhyme scheme in the poem.I feel that this poem is good ,and try to do more poems in your future so that you can become a good poet.
wishing you best in your writing and poetry