18

Hey there. Jonathan here to review your poem! Let's get right into it.

I really like this narrative arc. It's a rare skill in a poet to be able to communicate a story in verse, and you accomplished that 100% here. I especially loved your repetition of 18-- this struck me as a poem that would be really cool to perform as slam poetry. Just an idea, but still!

Anyway, onto a few suggestions I have. Disclaimer: you don't need to listen to any one of them! You're a rad author and it's 100% up to you.

Firstly, give me some more specific images. For instance, in the beginning of the poem, we hear that "Your face is sullen and guilty", but I'd love to have more about that. Are the ends of my lips turned down? My forehead wrinkled? My eyes downcast? Is my hand weighing on your shoulder or am I staring into your eyes? If so, are you staring back? Remember the age old rule: show, don't tell! And you have opportunities to do this with all of the 18 times you mentioned. Walking home in the rain? Show us more? A kiss on the cheek? We'll listen! Really, just try to capitalize more on these glimpses of images you show us.

Secondly, structure. Just visually, your lack of "normal" punctuation is fine (it /is/ poetry, after all), but it's a little bit difficult for me to follow all of your beautiful writing if it's all sort of lumped together like this. This is super super optional but I'd try spacing out the different ideas a little more just so that it's more coherent visually. Again, just a personal preference because my eyes are really bad.

And finally, choosing a theme and how themes interact. You have two refrains here-- 'lie' and '18', and while I love both of them and I think you should keep them, they never interact. I think a cool thing would be to combine them to something like "18 lies" near the end of the poem to wrap it up. Still, just a suggestion. The main idea is to make sure that the themes/refrains you choose don't just stand alone. They should weave together for the strongest possible impact on the audience. Anyway, that's all for me. Keep writing and excellent job.

Jonathan

Wow. Hi, @Kayley01 here for review.

Wow.

The start of your poem:
At the start of your poem, to be honest, I was about to leave and go to a different poem because I was sort of bored. Yet for some reason I was pulled into your poem and I wanted to see the end.

Your title:
Your title grasped me in. I was curious to know if you meant 18 people, age 18 or even the date the 18th.

The ending:
The ending was unbelievable. I did not think it was going to end in the person killing themselves who ever they may be. It was such a strong ending and that's what made your work.

You are a talented writer and I wish you luck with your future pieces! Have a nice day!

@Kayley01.

O.O

Well that abruptly got dark at the end! I honestly wasn't expecting her to take pills. Props for being able to catch me off guard! But then again, I guess that's how some attempts happen; without thinking, in the moment, fueled by emotion.

I love how simple this is. It's very quick and choppy, but it doesn't feel forced in any way. It flows nicely and make sense. I think I also like this because something very similar to me happened in my previous relationship, and I was 18 at the time so I suppose it tugs a bit at my personal heart strings. That makes it better because it makes it relatable. I'm guessing that there is more than one girl in the world that has felt this way or has actually experienced this kind of situation, so for you to be able to capture this in such a concise and blunt way is quite amazing.

I really enjoyed this. Please keep writing!
~Maddie