A few lonely bird calls
fill the silent, shivery air
that quivers with fine mist.
The dead brown and yellow grass
that juts from the hard ground
begins to shed cold crystals of frost.
The bite of chilly air fills my lungs
as I stand smiling at the breeze.
March sun burns white-gold
through bare black tree branches.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
So I just read your other poem (Statue of a Young Woman, b/c it reminded me of a character in my book) and had no feedback to offer for that one, but I have one suggestion for this poem.
Your language is really beautiful and paints a lovely picture of what I picture to be either a very quiet March evening or March morning. However, this bit:
I would suggest cutting it. The reason being, like I said, the language of the poem both prior to and after that calls to mind a kind of silence, and the sudden appearance of the narrator in the poem drew me out of that frozen beauty somewhat unpleasantly. It's ultimately your decision, of course, but that's my suggestion to make the poem tighter and more, shall we say, magical. I should let you know that I tried reading through it with my suggestion in place, and I think it sounds better that way.
Otherwise, it was lovely.
Blue
Thanks so much for your feedback! ...I did "feel" there was a problem in those lines before I posted the poem... but I was in a hurry and I didn't want to do any more editing. I'll think about your suggestion!
EPICnumber1 here for a review...
Before I say anything let me welcome you to YWS if you need anything just drop me a PM. I hope you enjoy it here.
I think this poem should be in stanzas. I got confused about what was happening. In the first line it should be 'birds' and not 'bird'
I like the topic what a lovely topic to write a poem on. The title fits as well.
The line that stood out to me or should I say lines were
"The dead brown and yellow grass
that juts from the hard ground"
This seems like it just sums up march weather altogether
The line I didn't particularly like was the last one. I personally think it just sticks out like a sore thumb because if the sun is shining the braches wouldn't seem black.
I do like the fifth to last line it shows that march is sunny yet cold.
Thanks for your review! ...I'm finding that my wording in the first line is confusing to some people; thank you for pointing that out.
Jessiethought, welcome to Young Writers Society!
Since you say "a few", "bird" should be "birds", 'cause it's plural. And "calls" should be "call". Unless you want it your way.
"A few lonely bird calls..."
And if you want it my way, "fill" should be "filling".
"...fill the silent, shivery air..."
The description was the best in a poem, and I can't believe that you're sixteen; you sound like a young woman, maybe twenty-three. I will be sure to check out "Statue ofa Young Woman", it sounds interesting. See you around this site, I hope you can publish more so I could read more of your beautiful works!
-wisegirl22
Thank you for reading my poem. I'm definitely glad for YWS. From the feedback I'm getting, I've found that the first line is confusing. I meant that there were a few bird-calls (as in, calls of birds); "calls" is not meant to be the verb here... I'll see how I can change that so it makes more sense.
Okay.
Hello, jessiethought. I'm TheAvengingArcher, or just Archer, and I'm here to review your poem.
This is a very beautiful poem. I agree with your classification of lyrical, as it reminds me of a few very melancholy songs.
As far as I can see, there are no grammar mistakes, so kudos to you.
I have one very slight nitpick, however.
The word "trees" doesn't quite fit to me. I feel that if you leave it out, the line would flow better, and you would have the added bonus of alliteration.
That's all, but I must congratulate you on your imagery. I truly can imagine standing there, on a cold March day.
Keep writing,
Archer
Thanks!
Nice! You managed to set a vivid scene in just a few lines. Your diction is simple yet effective, and your grammar is flawless. No nitpicks here, just keep writing!
Thanks for reading!