sick, suddenly sick,
sick with fear and denial,
with nausea, numbness
slowly building pressure,
pressing force behind my temples
wondering when the dam will break
can think of nothing
nothing to think
that won’t tip me over the edge,
drag me down into a pit
but you, o Lord bring me out
of the pit. bring me out.
who am i to have thought
that i knew, that i saw clearly?
no sudden clarity, only
glass breaking, shattered, high
crash, clash, lonely sound,
stomach drops, disbelieving,
seemingly calm, outer façade frozen.
i’ve gone stone-still, stone-cold.
wind howling through black emptiness.
when will i go into free fall?
--maybe i’m already falling
but haven’t hit bottom.
free fall feels like floating, feels like
i’m motionless, i’m frozen, seared
into this moment
while everyone else moves
like meaningless puppets
speaking shallow insignificant words.
don’t know don’t know don’t know don’t
--maybe i should have known,
maybe then i would have breath left.
i’m left with a motionless heart
strangled mid-beat
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
I like this. I really do, and I can relate. I am pretty sure the final two stanzas have gone through my head before when trying to cope with immense things. But I cannot get over the capitalisation... The punctuation gives it so much meaning, and I understand what is trying to be conveyed by the lack of capital letters (I admire that Lord is the only thing capitalised through all of this by the way), the unstructured ness of the emotion, but I believe that your words get the reader to feel that enough, and the lack of any capitals makes it almost a little messy.
Okay, sorry for the maybe harshness of that...
But, the writing is wonderful. The repetition highlights and creates such a continuity that I admire. The imagery is amazing. This is a play ground for the senses. You have harnessed the abilty to catch someone's heart and make it your own for a few minutes.
Thank you for sharing this.
*the grey reality
Thank you for reading! All of your thoughts are appreciated--I can't make it better if I don't know how it seems to other people reading it.
Very intense poem. I actually enjoy when poems don't focus on punctuation (in my opinion, punctuation just gets in the way of the meaning). It felt like the peom had momentum as you read it, and has a calm (but uneasy) ending. Plus I love the mix of small dialog ("drag me down into a pit but you, o Lord bring me out of the pit. bring me out. who am i to have thought that i knew, that i saw clearly? no sudden clarity, only"), then followed by some great imagery, (glass breaking, shattered, high crash, clash, lonely sound, stomach drops, disbelieving"). Overall this poem has a great feeling, and perfect pacing.
Thank you for reading my poem!
Yay! The ending feels the way I meant it to--hence the sudden break in my pattern of stanza length--uneasy is a good word for the tone I wanted in the ending.
I really enjoy this poem and the style it was written in. It reminds me a lot of my own work, mostly with the lack of uppercase letters. I think it adds to the quality of the poem, as it emphasizes how the speaker feels. This also clearly encompasses the sadness and despair someone feels when they are in a situation like this. I know that I've felt this way before. The length of it gives it enough tone and feeling so that it sounds like a real snapshot in time (how poems should be) of someone's life. All in all, I give it a 4/5. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for reading it!