I
stand in my toga, the girl
with
distant eyes and delicate lips,
a
face veiled in spider webs,
folds
of fabric draping elegantly
over
my girlish, innocent figure.
Quiet
stone and classic beauty.
I am
caught in that graceful pose,
always
appearing shy and thoughtful,
my
right hand forever gesturing.
I am
just a remnant, not worth notice.
Moss
spreads across my cheeks:
a
green blush staining grey stone,
full
of all my lonely wishing,
my
indignation, shame, sadness.
A
crack snakes down my cheek,
tracing
the path of my tears,
while
my eyes shine with a smile,
hopeful
and enigmatic.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I like how you painted a picture with words. I could clearly see the statue in my head. I am impressed with your work. You also have a grand vocabulary. Keep up the great work. But I do feel you could a little more to it , i got the image but I didn't fully get the emotional impact i feel should go along with it. But nevertheless this is really good in my opinion.
happy writing
~ Rebels Scream Silently~
Thank you!
Hi there! Wonderful poetry you have there, I can clearly see the image and everything. Now, I don't usually do much on poetry because it is so free flowing and interpretive, but I should say that the one and only thing that I noticed was that it seemed to (I don't know if was pattern or not) switch back and forth between beauty and sadness, a sort of bright and hopefull and then the cracks and grey. I think you should pick a tone and keep it, but if you are trying to pattern then make it a little more blatant. That is all I got for ya, but wonderful job! Keep it up!
(And how do you delete a comment?) lol sorry...
Thank you for taking the time to read my poem!
SapphireEyes here to review!
First - WELCOME! This is a lovely way to start your membership, I genuinely enjoyed reading this and was floored when I saw your age; such raw talent for a younger writer. Props!
On to the reviewing. I can't really saw I see anything that really needs changing or editing, the word choice, the imagery, even the structure just works so well. Only thing I can think of is more nitpicky than anything... where you have "Quiet stone and classic beauty." this is a fragment and I think with the prior sentence you could put in a semi-colon and just include this line with it as it is around the same thought. Semi-colons are so underused!
My favorite part was the last two lines. You were going with a sadder theme and then you lifted my spirits with the shining smile and hope.
All in all wonderful job. I hope you enjoy the YWS community!
Gracias for the review! Hmm... I never thought about using a semicolon... I might change that line, but I do like the full stop provided by the period and capital letter.
Hey Jessie! Welcome to the Young Writers Society!
Wow. This poem was just beautiful.
When I first saw the formatting, I didn't really like that it was all bunched together in one paragraph. I would have expected separated three or four lined stanzas. But after I read it, I realize that the way you have it is perfect. Normally, at least double-spacing this would be nice, but since YWS's whole line spacing thing is rather annoying, how you have it is just fine. Alright. Enough rambling about formatting.
These are my favorite lines. They seem to sum up a statue's life so well.
Everything was written so well and the imagery was superb. Spiderwebs, cracks, tears, moss, stone fabric- I can see this statue so perfectly in my head! You are very talented; keep up the awesome work!
Thanks so much for the feedback! (The line-spacing thing _is_ annoying, isn't it? I had to type ctl shift so many times to keep the formatting uniform!)
Hello, jessiethought, I'm back.
I mostly agree with TakeThatYouFiend, about the repetition. I really like your description, and I clicked on this immediately. I would also like some answers. Is this Roman or Greek? Do people normally stare at her? You also never describe her hair. Besides those, though, this was really good, and keep writing. Poems are your métier, and I believe you can be a poet someday. Byezeez!
-wisegirl22
Thanks so much for your thoughts on the poem. Your questions about her are great... I don't know if I'll edit the poem to include some of the answers, thought... I'm not sure if that would make the poem too long. Hmm. I never thought of her as specifically Greek or Roman, really. I wrote about people staring and her hair in earlier drafts... maybe I should include that in this one.... hmm.
Ya. I prefer Greek, because of Percy Jackson. Ever heard of it?
Yup! I've read all of them (except for a couple of the later series w/ the Roman camp...) They were pretty good, but I read them a while ago.
Oh.
This is a very nice poem, I'm afraid I only have a couple of nitpicks to offer.
But before I do, might I just complement your rhythm here. Although you don't seem to have any stanzas thewhole thing flows beautifully together, without any obvious rough patches.
The first thing I would criticize is that "cheek" is repeated so soon. Rather perhaps put "from my eye" rather than "down my cheek".
The other thing is "girl" and "girlish are too close together. Perhaps change "girlish" to another similar adjective? Just a thought.
Yours,
The Fiend.
Thanks for your feedback! I definitely agree with what you pointed out... still thinking about what to change, though. (While I was writing the poem, I tried to find a replacement word for "cheek" but only found "face"--maybe using her eye as a reference point will work. And my little sister didn't like "girlish." Since your advice corroborates that, I should probably change something!)
Thanks for replying!
it's nice to know people listen to my reviews 
Hey! IamTraunt here to review this beautiful poem.
Toga: a loose flowing outer garment worn by the citizens of ancient Rome, made of a single piece of cloth and covering the whole body apart from the right arm.
Remnant: a small remaining quantity of something. Remaining.
Enigmatic: difficult to interpret or understand; mysterious.
These three words I picked out because I can't tell you how perfect they are. You can tell you have thought about and taken into consideration the meaning of these words and properly used them.
You clearly describe and show us through your words that it is a statue you are talking about, an ancient one at that.
My favourite line:
That was beautiful imagery <3 I loved that. I can just imagine this vividly.
Oh and... Welcome to YWS! You are certainly talented.
Thank you for your feedback and for taking the time to read my poem!
You're welcome!
Hey, there! I'll be doing a review for you.
I loved how descriptive these lines were, but I found the sentence itself very lengthy and found it difficult to comprehend all the details.
I love how this starts off, for I can connect to what's been said. However, I'm unclear about what "My right hand forever gesturing" means, although that may just be me.
I love how these words clash perfectly together. <3
I loved this part, but I don't think it works to be the last part. I feel it ends a bit abruptly. Besides that, I thought it was an amazing poem, and really enjoyed reading it. Very well done!
[quote]
Thanks for the review! I've been trying to get this poem perfectly clear and create a precise image here; your thoughts will help. I've already rewritten this poem about five times! But I still can't get the last few lines right. I've been having trouble with those!
Hi there! Wonderful poetry you have there, I can clearly see the image and everything. Now, I don't usually do much on poetry because it is so free flowing and interpretive, but I should say that the one and only thing that I noticed was that it seemed to (I don't know if was pattern or not) switch back and forth between beauty and sadness, a sort of bright and hopefull and then the cracks and grey. I think you should pick a tone and keep it, but if you are trying to pattern then make it a little more blatant. That is all I got for ya, but wonderful job! Keep it up!