Downpour in Kampala,
capital of Uganda:
rain pelting the windshield like bursts of bullet-fire,
water gouging gullies in the orange clay road
and carving ruts that rush with turbid mud.
This dirty white van weaves through traffic,
swerving past cattle and people, jerk-
ing out of potholes, bouncing, creaking, banging,
our driver slamming on the horn, the horn, the horn.
Mutiso, my Ugandan friend, smiles at me,
the white American crammed into a Ugandan taxi.
The air stagnates. Closed, foggy windows
bottle in the hot stench of sweat seeping
from the stained upholstery and jostling people.
Ebony African faces shine with perspiration,
their mouths jabbering loud Swahili syllables
as I lean against cold window-glass, gawking.
People are everywhere, immune to the rain
sitting, walking, standing, perched on bicycles,
one boy herding long-horned, lumbering cattle.
The buildings in the capital are ramshackle shanties,
almost nothing looks new, and even the dirt is dirty,
strewn with trash and speckled with brown puddles.
Over the radio the Minister of Health reminds us,
“Please use a latrine and do not feed with animals.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Did you mean to write "please use a latrine and do not feed with animals." ? I kind of feel as if it should be something like "Please use a latrine and do not feed THE animals." (Using 'the' instead of 'with'.)
Other than that, I like it. You portrayed the culture of Uganda fairly well. (Or at least I believe you did. I've never actually been, but it seems fairly accurate.)
I love how you abbreviated "jerk-ing. For some mysterious reason, that's my favorite part.
Altogether, it's a fairly descent poem.
Good Luck To You.
Thank you for reading it!
Brilliant!
Hi jessiethought, Laughmaster here to fanboy your work
I'm sorry if this review doesn't provide any value addition.
This was dark work, embedded with colorful imageries and descriptions. The pacing was perfect, the narrative was perfect and the poem had its own language. By language, I mean it spoke something very bravely. In all it really touched my heart.
Mostly I comment on the opening stanza/line of a poem but here, the last line literally hit the bulls eye.
Incredible work!
Laughmaster's rating: 10/10 (it's the first time I have given someone a 10. But your work deserved it to say the least.)
Thanks so much for your kind words!
Turbid != torpid. I learned something.
The imagery in this is vivid and beautiful. I cannot produce meaningful suggestions for improvement - which is a real rarity for me.
Why, you've taught me a word, and you have written something so excellent I'd actually love to see more of it published.
You, sir or madam, deserve a like, a follow, and some sort of honorific. How does "Exhortaire Extraordinaire" sound?
Thank you so much, skorlir! Your words mean a lot to me.
I like how this poem focuses solely on a ride through an area in Uganda during the rain. I can sort of see how you (or the white American) would feel like an alien or a stranger. The images you made were very detailed and descriptive.
I did get a bit overwhelmed by all of the adjectives but I couldn't help but smile when I saw this line:
"[S]werving past cattle and people, jerk-
ing out of potholes..."
PERFECT break in the line. I could literally feel the struggle to get through the potholes. It made me imagine myself sitting in a car writing a poem and having to pause because of a rocky pothole, before finishing my sentence. That was my favorite line!
The ending of your poem confuses me though. It brings up a lot of possible meanings and I'm not sure if it is a racist joke from the Minister of Health or if it is serious.
May I know the intention behind that line?
It is serious. The idea to write this was taken from a trip my Dad took to Uganda--the (African) Minister of Health really did advise the people to use latrines and not feed with animals. That was an actual concern to be addressed. I've been having trouble with the ending... I may have to revise it some more, or take that out, or something. Thanks for the review!