“Back off!”
.
A man,
hands jammed
in the pockets
of his old overcoat,
torso hunched forward,
shuffling stiffly along.
.
“Back off!”
.
He yells
at the empty air of the alley.
Shouting at people in his mind,
people from his past,
demons? Who knows?
No one’s there.
.
“Back off!”
.
Sometimes
we scream at illusions,
distortions, the shadows
of the past. Consumed
by obsession and insanity,
we can’t see; we’re blind to truth.
.
A/N: Can anyone help me with a title? "Illusions"? "Insanity"? "Schizophrenic"? I have no idea what to do for a title. Also, would "with" or "by" make more sense in the second to last line? What word do you prefer there? Those words have different connotations, but I’m not sure which one I like best. Sorry about the spacing problems. We all know about those!
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
oh oh oh
i'm back
but i just wanna ask a question: can i add this to my notebook of poems? i sorta just have a notebook and i copy down my favorite poems (and give credit, of course) so i can read through them later.
i didn't know if that was okay with you (and if it is, can i write "by jessiethought on yws" for the credit or did you want something else?)
i feel so awkward asking this i'm sorry xc
Sure, it's okay if you do that, as long as you write down that I wrote it! (Don't feel awkward. And what you had is fine.)
okay thank you! ^.^
Hello, jessiethought! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!
I'll answer your questions first: I thought the title "Schizophrenic" was fine. You wrote "by" in the second to last line and that would be better than "with". So no changes needed!
I really liked this poem! It gave some insight into a mental illness that isn't often understood very well. I was able to feel for a moment what it would be like to live with schizophrenia. Your word choice created great imagery to help me picture what was going on. I liked your repetition of the phrase, "Back off!" Your use of punctuation added to the piece a lot. I didn't find any spelling, capitalization, or punctuation errors.
I'd love to help you here by making corrections and suggestions, but I truly couldn't think of any! You thought about this piece a lot and edited it well, so there is no need for corrections.
Great job on this poem! I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. It gave me a look at what it is like to live with schizophrenia.
"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders
heyyyy ~
I am here to do a super duper short mini review (because I'm really really tired).
This is perfect
I love all of this
I especially love the imagery - I can envision a sort of dirty man walking alone, when it's dark out. Unshaven, and his coat is muddy on the edges.
The alley walls are gray and unforgiving as they watch him and his growing insanity.
"Schizophrenic" is a great title.
xo
Thank you! I guess I'm making the title "Schizophrenic," then, since you guys like that.
Hey!
It is really good! I love the elements of question in your poetry that you used so well, here!
I think 'by' sounds better!
I love the tone and mood.
I think a good title might be "Back off!!"
I don't know if I am kidding, though....
But, if I had to choose one of the titles you're putting out there, it would most likely be "Schizophrenic."
I had to look it up first, lol, but I think it matches it perfectly!
Great job!
You are a poetical genius!!
~Tiff
Thank you for reading my poem and thanks for your suggestions!:D
: D Welcome!!
Hey! I really like it! I believe that Schizophrenic would be a good title, or maybe "Broken Illusions." Also, I believe "by" would make more sense there. Other than that, it's really good!
Thanks
No problem!