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Breeze

by Renard


I can feel the breeze pass over my breasts on the escalator


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:10 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.

You know what that means, time to review!

Nitpicks first...

- I don't like how short It is and frankly It's kind of a waste. But, thanks for making this easy for me! ( Lol )

- I'm not really sure why it's in bold? It doesn't need to be.

Other than that I don't see much wrong with it, and If I do you can count on me to tell you.


This is defiantly interesting, I found It rather humorous despite the lack of it's meaning. I have several theories on this some taken from the other reviewers and some my own.

1. Like Alli, I believe this could have a little more powerful meaning than It appears. Maybe it's fallen In tribute to some life lesson or something you've experienced.

2. Maybe this was meant to be humorous to the reader, It sure was to me. I'm happy for your breasts, they deserve a breeze now and than. ( Hold it right there, I'm sorry, couldn't help myself, Lol! )

3. Maybe this was something that just popped into your mind or something that you experienced or someone else experienced personally.

4. Maybe it's from a joke you heard or something your friends or family said. Who knows?


My conclusions could be false or true in your case but all in all this is one of the fundamentals of short poetry.

I had a good time writing this and I wish you to continue your writing.

Great job, keep writing!


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Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of #0000BF ">Team Aqua!


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Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:34 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



I realize you posted this in the humorous section so perhaps I'm way over analyzing this but I thought I'd just weigh in!

Suggestions/Format:
First my biggest suggestion is that you break this up into 2 or 3 lines if it's meant to be a poem; and if it's not meant to be a poem I genuinely do not understand how this is even a literary work...

You could break it up as such:
"I can feel the breeze/
pass over my breasts/
on the escalator"

My other suggestion would be to add a period at the end. It's more informal without which works with your unique style of one sentence poetry. But adding a period would I feel the solidify the sentence and it would be saying "THERE! You just read an entire sentence, a complete thought! And that's my piece!" I guess I just feel like you'd be owning it more to put a period on the end. And you already have some formality by capitalizing the "I" anyways. That's just something I would do though, and I can understand if you'd want to leave the period out to emphasize the informality of the piece.

Length:
Unlike tgirly I think what you have is completely enough to be a finished piece, I mean there are no rules and poetry and you coherently express a complete thought so I do not see why one sentence should be a problem.

Content/Message:
Upon reading this piece the first time I wondered if you literally did not mean anything by this piece and at that point it would just be random words put next to each other on a line. But upon closer inspection I was able to garner a little meaning from it (I might be on a completely different track than your intention but this is what I got out of the piece):

You're putting an odd contrast of feeling nature's power (feel the breeze) while literally riding on and using/experiencing technology/modern culture (the escalator!). Many people would argue that you could not possibly "feel the breeze" while you're anywhere that an escalator could be (indoors) so this sentence is also almost contradicting itself logically.
This is where it starts to get interesting...

Not only does the speaker "feel the breeze", the breeze doesn't just hit the speaker, but it "passes over the speaker " This could be saying that although we're still in a world where we are vulnerable to nature's whims (death, sickness, injury, weather disasters, global warming etc.) but ultimately we do not have to care about it or really acknowledge it because we are part of this culture and technology. So it doesn't matter what happens with nature as humans we will just try to trump it with our own knowledge, architecture, and inventions (the escalator). The escalator is a great choice to show human intelligence/laziness/inventing at it's finest because an escalator literally is useless! I mean we already have stairs/hills/ladders so why in the world would we need this? The reason we have escalators is just because we can! "Take that nature!"

Also you are showing this theme of humans trying to be superior over nature by starting the sentence out with the words "I feel". This is saying that the wind isn't making you feel anything, but that really it's some part of our power that decides whether or not we feel anything out of nature. That somehow we have power over it again.

This poem (whether you meant it to or not) makes a statement about how people think they have bested nature with their intelligence and tech. And the sheer silliness of that idea shows that we are wrong. Because nature really does have the last shot. ---We still have not found a way to best death through all of our technology etc. So even when surrounded by the pinnacle of human technology {the escalator in this case} we can not help but "feel the breeze".

On the other hand...
Maybe all you were really trying to portray is someone riding an escalator shirtless... :/


Thanks for posting! And I look forward to reading more of your work! :)

~alliyah

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:36 pm
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megsug wrote a review...



Hey Renard~

I've read a few of your other poems, and I've really enjoyed them. This one makes me smile.

In your future, I see some reviews telling you to make your poem longer. I've never been one to encourage that. Short poetry can have a lot of power.

However, with short poetry, I often feel the title isn't used as the fantastic tool it could be. The title could give us a bit more perspective or give us a hint as to what this means to the poet. Breeze is a nice title, as good as breasts or escalator would have been, but it's generic and doesn't give us that spark to really make this poem something to fawn over. Right now this poem is a bunch of words that create a strange, humorous scenario. Perhaps that's all you wanted, but with the right title you could breathe more meaning into these words for the reader.

I normally like to offer examples, but I feel like titles are up to the author especially in poetry. You know what this poem means, even if it's just something funny. To be honest, it kind of comes off a little absurdist to me which makes me think there is no deeper meaning as much as my mind is trying to make one, but if it's absurdist, then I think your title should also be absurd.

I do want to know why it's bold? I don't really see what the difference makes either way.

This is a short review for a short poem, but it's what I've got to give.

Lemme know if you have any questions, comments, or concerns.

I'm sure I'll see more of your work in the future,
Megs~

This review courtesy of
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megsug says...


Whups. tgirly beat me to the bold question.



Renard says...


Heyy
It's bold because I felt like it.XD No special reason :D
-hides-
Ah well, it is very abstract, but I think, also very funny. :)



megsug says...


XD Sometimes we do things because we feel like it.
Yeah, I got the abstract part XD Though abstract poetry is definitely not my forte, I can appreciate it, and I think it's also pretty hilarious.



Renard says...


yay. Fanks for the review. :D



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:33 pm
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tgirly wrote a review...



To me at least, this doesn't feel like a complete work, but a detail one might find in the middle of a short story or a poem, though an interesting detail.

Why is there not a period? What's the significance of that? This just adds to the incomplete feel of it.

In such a sort piece, every word has to be pulling its weight, so I might put "I feel" instead of "I can feel" because the can isn't really necessary.

I like the double ees at the beginning from breeze and feel, and then the double ehs at the end from breasts and escalator.

I'm curious as to why you decided to bold it. Generally, people bold things to draw attention to them, but this piece already has enough attention since it's the single, only sentence.

I hope this review helped!
-tgirly





"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne