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Dressed In Wine

by Renard


He doesn't make her happy

Ever since he pulled her hair,

They've both been through so much

Now she's realised it's not fair.


Dressed in wine,

Chasing trains.

He's feeling fine,

She's forged her chains.


Bleeding on his bathroom floor

Those who love you never hurt

He wants to make her feel special

Instead he makes her feel like dirt


Dressed in wine,

Chasing trains.

He's feeling fine,

She's trapped in chains.


Emptied - out apologies

He always never means it,

She doesn't want them, his excuses

No more accepts his abuses.


Dressed in wine,

Missed her trains.

Not feeling fine,

She's escaped her chains.


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Points: 249
Reviews: 21

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Wed Jul 02, 2014 3:59 pm
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ObserverxD wrote a review...



Hey Observerxd here I will atempt to give you a good review. Keep in mind that I'm new to this and my reviews can(and probably are) be wrong, so just take them as my honest opinion- nothing more. :)


The very theme of this work is something that unfortunately happens very often in the world all around us. It is something that must be stopped and by writting of it you have taken on an enormous task of descibing the life of an abused woman.


The way you chose to create a picture is by short and simple lines which in all honesty are enough, in a way (by my opinion) the describe the chain of thoughts the woman has. The short emotions of painful moments which create a chain of a miserable life. In my opinion you have done a good job, by reading your work I , an observer, can create an image of that woman and that man in my head which was the original point i suppose. The rythm of the rhyme is a bit unconsistent, but everything else makes a decent work. Keep up! :)




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41 Reviews


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Wed Jul 02, 2014 4:12 am
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spacesoldier wrote a review...



Wow awesome! This is so cool, I mean not for the women. But I love how you wrote it, it sounds so amazing. I love your wording and your title. I didn't see any spelling mistakes so I don't know if there are any, but everything looks perfectly fine to! ^ - ^ I love your poem! -likes, follows-

Ps. Keep writing! This was captivating!!! You're brilliant. c:

Have a wonderful, amazing day!

~Spacesoldier




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:17 pm
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ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Hello there! Scarlet here too review!


I think you did a decent job on this poem. I really like it when people make a story with they're poems instead of something random.
I especially liked the ending when she was freed from her abuser.
It gave a clear and rather emotional message and I liked that.

I don't see any Grammar or Punctuation issues so far..


Instead he makes her feel like dirt---> (I feel this part of the poem throws it off just a bit. Maybe try something like 'Instead he makes her feel so hurt' or something like that.)

That's the only problem I have with it, overall this is a beautiful poem. I love the story and I can't wait to read more!

Keep Writing!
Image


Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde


Writer, Artist, Student and Reader




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:20 pm
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Sweetie wrote a review...



HEY!!! I really liked this poem. My favorite part was the last stanza because this girl finally got away from the person who was hurting her. I loved how the chains represent the guy who was hurting her.

Its really good! its awesome how you used different things to represent each person. To say how the guy was cruel instead of just saying "He is cruel!" you said "She's trapped in chains".

I really love it I think it is my favorite one of your writings! Its so very good! I really love it!




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:46 pm
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Nikachu wrote a review...



Hey there! So I really liked this poem especially the line "Dressed in wine." It has such great imagery and it feels like it has a deeper meaning...maybe?

Anyways, I like your ambition to tackle a rhyme scheme. I always applaud any author that tackles one because they scare me to death haha

The repeating lines are well written because they're similar enough to stress their importance while still being slightly different so it doesn't become boring. Eloquently handled.

The length is suitable in my mind. Any shorter and your ideas don't get across but any longer and you lose your readers' attention. However, I wouldn't mind maybe another stanza to further develop the "dressed in wine" metaphor. Food for thought (or maybe wine for thought hehe)

However, I think a few of your lines are kinda awkwardly written. I get what you're trying to say but your flow could be better.

Examples:

The third stanza that starts "bleeding on his bathroom floor" needs some punctuation somewhere. Personally, and this is just my opinion, I think it would flow better if it was written as follows
"Bleeding on his bathroom floor,
Those who love you never hurt,
He wants to make her feel special;
Instead, he makes her feel like dirt"

As I was writing that I also just realized that the second line doesn't seem to fit so I would consider re-wording that. Maybe "those you love never mean to hurt"?

The fifth stanza also sounds a little off. The first and last line need another word to help fit the pattern. Once again this is just my personal opinion, but to me it sounds better like this
"Emptied out of apologies,
He always never means it,
She doesn't want them, his excuses
No more than accepts his abuses"

That's all the nitpicks I could find. I really enjoyed this poem and I think your imagery is great. I find the juxtaposition of always and never in the fifth stanza really striking. I think the last is a great ending to the poem, too. I hope to read more from you soon!

Keep it up!




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:19 pm
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FatCowsSis wrote a review...



Wow! Beautiful poem!

Rhyme. You changed the rhyming pattern in the fifth stanza. You had been using ABCB. But in the fifth stanza you changed to ABCC. Perhaps intentionally. If so, that's an interesting twist. Wait...I'm going to run through the rhyming pattern:
ABCBl
DEDE
FGHG
IJIJ
KLMM
NONO
Interesting. So it looks like the "chorus" of the poem has the same rhyme pattern and the "verses" have their own. Until the fifth stanza when she doesn't accept him any more. If that's symbolism for the change that wow. That's awesome.

Now, on to the content!
This is a beautiful story. The girl is slowly escaping her chains. Do I have anything to suggest? Yes.

Emptied - out apologies
He always never means it,
She doesn't want them, his excuses
No more accepts his abuses.

Even though these are my favorite lines, the first one messed me up. This might be more of an issue I had, but the flow messed up for me in the first line. Maybe if you dropped the dash....

Overall, this is beautiful. I love the idea and how you portrayed it into the poem.

Keep writing, and as always, keep smiling!

-Sis

This review courtesy of
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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:10 pm
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you.
Nitpicks first, yes?

He wants to make her feel special
The syllable count/stress on this one is off, and the rhythm kind of... stops.

No more accepts his abuses.
Add a syllable here.

End of nitpicks.

I like everything you've done here except for the 'dressed in wine' part. Is he an alcoholic? I don't know, it kind of seems like a 'dead' line in this poem. Kind of like when someone makes a frame to fit a picture, but then the frame doesn't fit very well.

I also like how it goes from trapped to forged to escaped, and I think it could be better if you describe how he's feeling as different, too. Like fine, odd, and then not fine. You know? That way, both end up changing over time.

Great job with this, love. I look forward to reading more.
Keep writing.
Aurora.





The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
— CandyWizard