I studied the Gothic
So I know everything about monsters now.
They’re hiding under my bed;
In my head
No one fathoms that.
Be better if they
Suffered in my brain too.
And seeing those beasts;
Tripping worries least
I’m substance free.
And we’re talking all
Cruel world stuff.
You can’t imagine;
Couldn’t fathom
Still alone then.
He set me on fire
With fangs.
Pints of homely blood;
Feel the flood
Over your white skin.
The great escape
Breathing luck.
Running out of hearts;
Impaled with darts
Now got dead skin.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, Renard.
So my first instinct was to come in here and talk about the awkward phrasing that got born from you trying to squeeze in rhyming where there maybe wasn't any natural rhyme. 'Cause the worst thing (worst not because it's the biggest mistake, but because it's a mistake that people make so often!) is forced rhyme. The reader knows you aren't saying what you mean, that you're just trying to fit in new words that rhyme instead of trying to stick to your message. The reader doesn't like that. They wanted to communicate with you, and instead of that they see you dancing around at the behest of the rhyme. Don't let it control you! Control the rhyme!
But I feel like this poem is definitely salvageable because some new-feeling phrases came out of it, particularly that last line. "Now got dead skin."
I think it's something about how simple it is presented, something about the exclusion of the subject that brings the reader of the poem much closer to the pure idea. Now is essential. Got is essential. Dead skin is essential. In the Korean language, they often leave out the subject of the sentence when you can kind of assume it, so it feels like that. The subject became non-essential.
I also like the refrain that you mention twice -- you can't even fathom it. I love this direct address of the audience and the hinting at something much deeper. It obviously makes us more curious.
But then the big problem with the poem is that we don't really understand what's going on because you skipped a lot of the connective tissue, just kind of skimming over the action. I think maybe something with a vampire's happening. I know there's virtue to being subtle, but being too subtle can be dangerous, too!
Okay, I hope these thoughts are helpful to you.
PM or reply to this review if you have any questions.
Good luck and keep writing!
Was that really made so deep or I felt it as a deep poetry?
Nicely written; and the size too now seems okay to me. I am not sure what to say lolx but you wrote a nice poem.
The part I loved was:
"They’re hiding under my bed;
In my head
No one fathoms that."
By the way, do play the gothic game too; you shall get to know much about monsters then