Strangled Words

Timmy here for a quick review!

Many of your other reviewers said that this was too short of a poem, and they may have a point... But, what was your goal with this poem? What was the idea that you formulated as you wrote it? Really, if your idea has been expressed, even if your poem is only four lines--the poem is finished. Why ramble on about something when you can be precise and say it in four powerful lines?

I loved this poem, honestly. There were a lot of power behind each line. Each line being a strong foundation of ideas, where the reader can extrapolate what you mean. It is almost like a six word story to me. You have given us the main idea, the basic plot of your poem--which was expressed beautifully, by the way--and then left us to figure out the little details of the poem. I love seeing something and being able to get my own idea out of the poem, without being force fed the author's own image. You gave us some room for interpretation. I loved that.

I think that all of the lines have a powerful message, each line saying something that the other lines built up to, and then carrying over to the next line. But with the fourth line, I am not sure if the word contraband really works--unless you meant it this way. When I look up synonyms in Microsoft Word, I come up with smuggled goods and a few other words similar to that. Were you intending for your poem to express that or? Just a thought. Usually one refers to their love as being used or something, while you referred to it as being smuggled.

Okayy. That is all I have for nitpicks. I think every other word was carefully chosen to give you the desired affect, and the story behind the words. I think you did an amazing job getting such a powerful story with only four lines. Its something that people should try more often. Four lines, making a powerful message. One thing is for certain: Each word means a lot, and must mean a lot, in order to get your message across in the best way you can.

Amazing job here.
~Darth Timmyjake

Hi there! Scarlet here with a review!


I really don't have much to say since it's so short. Frankly I was disappointed that it was only four lines long. I felt it could've been longer, I really didn't get much out of it.

Despite that, I love the poem. It has meaning, the man you loved betrayed you. Simple as that, I like most of the wording except maybe the 2nd line: 'Before they slip away like the sand'

I'd change it to something like 'Before it blows away like paper in the wind' or 'before it blows away like ashes in the wind.' or something like that.

I can't much relate to this poem, but what you wrote was short yet meaningful.
Great Job!


Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde

Writer, Artist, Student and Reader

I love it! I loved how you said "Mistaken love with a man
Who treated me as his contraband." I don't know what makes me love this line so much! Its very good. You used really emotional words so its easy to relate to. Its short, sweet, and complete! Its really good at making the reader feel how you must have been feeling when you wrote this. It is simply brilliant!

Short, sweet, and simple. I loved it. Obviously there isn't much room for critique here because it's short and to the point, but at the same time, that is my critique.

I really like that it is short and the meaning behind it is very clear, a man in your life wronged you. But at the same time, I would love to read on about how he did, and what he did to make you feel like he treated you "as his contraband" while you were together. Did he hide you away from every one he knew? Were you just a secret only he knew about?

As well as expanding on the mentioned "mistaken love", you could expand on the ideas you are clutching. Are you unsure of what to do about this relationship? Do you want to keep going along as his secret? Do you want to end it?

Overall, I really enjoyed the piece. Loved it, in fact. I just feel as though it could use a little expanding. Great job!

Good luck and happy writing,
BlockedWriter21

Hey again Renard!!

First of all, nicely done. This is a really good poem. Short and sweet.

Okay, so the first thing I noticed while reading was that it could easily be split into two stanzas. But you left it together which was a good choice. I think if you had split it up it would've been too abrupt and short.

The only thing I don't get is the title. Strangled Words. Are you saying that she wasn't able to speak? Because she was Hus contraband? Was she more of a slave? Is that what you're saying?

My favorite lines were definitely the first two.

Well done!! Amazing poem!
I look forward to reading more from you!
Keep writing, and as always, keep smiling!

-Sis

This review courtesy of

Hello, love!
Aurora here for a quick review!

I think you did a good job with this poem.

I'm clutching my ideas in my hand
I especially like the way you phrased your first line. It fits the title and is phrased nicely. It also sets the tone well for the rest of the poem.

Before they slip away like the sand.
Sand slips away? I would change it from sand to something else. I mean, I can understand if sand washes away under waves, or something, but you can hold on to a fistful of sand pretty easily, in my experience.

I have nothing to say about the third line. It's good, and it needs no critiquing.

Who treated me as his contraband.
Saying contraband somehow takes away from the overall wistful mood of your poem. I'd change it to a more 'feminine-sounding' synonym.

Keep writing, love.
Aurora