I'm a better person defeated
Now I'm weak,
bruised,
obsoleted
That time alone left me depleted
Therefore my life
shall be
deleted.
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey!!
This is really good! I love how it is short BUT very descriptive. I enjoyed reading it because it really makes you want to be a better person so no one feels like that. I love your writings they are totally relatable. I really liked all of it!
I. Think. You. Should. Keep. Writing!
Hi, Renard. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on pink glasses*
I love this poem. It is about a better person who felt weak and defeated. It is very description of how a person felt when he/she was defeated. You gave a great adjectives to this poem and it is very good. I didn't see any errors on here which it is very good thing. I like this poem very much. I enjoyed the rhymes and the feelings of this poem. I hope to read more from you. Have a nice day!
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Hello, love!
Aurora here for a quick review!
I like your use of many adjectives here. A critique I have for you is that you should consider changing either obsoleted or deleted to an adjective that means something else. Both have the same connotation, and I think if you change deleted to something else, your poem reads differently. You use them both the same way, and it's very repetitive, and in such a short poem, I don't think that's something you need.
I like the paradox/oxymoron of the first line, and it would be nice if you gave hints as to what you meant or gave examples of how this person was defeated later on in the poem.
Keep writing, love. I look forward to reading more.
Aurora
Thewriter13 here to give a review! (when I should be doing an assignment...)
Anyway I enjoyed the simplicity of this piece and the rhyming you've used.
I'm looking at the first line and trying to wonder what this means:
"I'm a better person defeated"
Does this mean the speaker is a good person but is defeated despite their goodness? Or are they better when they are defeated? Does that mean they progress when they get beaten and brought down?
It's just me analyzing it, and I like how it makes me think. (Or maybe it's just me being oblivious)
I liked the last word, and how you used a line to cross through "deleted" to give us a visual of what message you are trying to convey.
I'm seeing commas being used that aren't really necessary. You don't have any other punctuation except the period at the end, probably for a full stop.
But you can keep the commas, I'm just pointing out you used no other punctuation, which is breaking the consistency. So perhaps you could take out the commas.
Overall this was a good piece and I loved reading it!
Keep writing!