Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hey! I'm here for the "Adopt a novel" to review your work!
Not something you see quite usually, but I enjoy your work. I've read quite the number of chapters, actually, and found them to be really good. What I will try in my review is to show you the way reader might understand this, I find this really helpful and hopefully you will too.
So far, Robert Tarquin is an example of insanity and genious. Though, so far one may think he is all just words. Pyhsically, he is wery well described; I know he is not just a slim weakling, even before anything happens to prove it. Psychically, he is well aware of himself, though he is somewhat what every teenager is- sexually obsessed. He knows his place within society, and actually, seems like it is actually right were he wants himself to be. It feels like he could be popular if he wanted to, but he is simply disgusted of everyone.
Tony is also an interesting one. He is more of an usual kid, though basing from this chapter he is rather smart himself. He judged Tarquin rather well. And he is also right, what his friend is saying is "sorta sick", though I know Robbie knows it well. Their conversation is also lively and realistic.
It was good to read something from a first person. It is what made you able to depict him so well. Your style is good, and I find nothing to complain about.
-Alchemist
Hello! Scarlet here to review!
I'm not too sure what to feel about this about this. It's not really disturbing but I somewhat find it insulting. Your character to be insulting that is.
I don't really mind the fact of the sexual references and maturity level. It was actually a decently good chapter. It's not necessarily my cup of tea but it wasn't bad. Not bad, keep on writing on it and continue with this other's seem to like it.
On a scale from 1-10 I'd rate it a 6 1/2 maybe.
Sorry for the short review.
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader
o_o Details on the length, I see. Does he like measure it or something? Men...
Anyways, hi x) About time I finally catch up.
I assume that most of my reviews will be about the plot and fangirling because chances are, everyone has gotten to the nitpicks. Okay? Okay. Let's go then.
So, I should've known the girl mentioned in the beginning was none other than Miss Katie herself. I was hoping it wasn't, because honestly Robert. You can do so much better. But whatever floats his boat, I suppose.
I'm pretty surprised, honestly. I expected Robert to be less cocky and arrogant. Clearly he's developing and changing throughout this novel, because from the last chapter I read, he was less boy and more man. Here, he's all boy. Stupid boy. At least Tony wants to have sex with girls to make them both feel good. Robert sees women as an object of pleasure that's to be used as he pleases, regardless of her pain or pleasure. Nice.
I found his speech a bit weak? Maybe it's just me and the fact that I'd ignore him if he was ranting like that in public. I find it a bit sad that that's how he gets Katie's attention, but whatever you like works best. I still think a better way for them to meet would be less... ridiculous? Maybe he does something idiotic and gropes her? Sure beats the speech, that's for sure.
=-= Let's go find us some Stephen, yes? Moving on to chapter two. Here's to hoping Robert grows up some.
~Iggy
'Ello. Me again. This time representing no one on this non-Review Day. So, I probably won't be as picky (unless you want me to be) and I'm just going to do my usual full-chapter review/analysis.
But I will add the suggestion that you make this is own paragraph. Actually, I would also suggest making that last sentence it's own paragraph to, but it's not necessary.First off, I glanced at what reviews you've receive so far, and I'm just going to give my ten cents on major points that I do or don't agree with:
I agree with Unconsoled about the introduction technique (though not the slander against Wattpad ;P). It's definitely something you would see at the beginning of a cliched shoujo manga, with the girl waking up late, running to school, then monologs a 'hey, I've yet to introduce myself!" It's a distasteful way to break the fourth-wall. You can still have the character describe himself via monologue, but disperse it and do it when opportunity in the plot gives reason for that little tidbit to be announced.
I also agree with what he says about this segment:
And I disagree with dragonfphoenix about this chapter needing to be lengthier and needing more information on the character. A first chapter should briefly introduce us to our character, introduce a dilemma, and/or their want. Which you've done and more. Plus, brief first chapters are best because it gives you just a tidbit and provokes further reading.
Here's my personal review:
This first fragment implies that he does desire the girl to feel something from the intercourse. Where as later on, he agrees to that not being the case. Also, this middle section is oddly placed. The commas are correctly used in the sense that removing it won't disturb logic and flow. However, with in it in place would read more logically with a colon in stead of the first comma, but then the last fragment will look odd. I would suggest replacing it to where 'it' is, since that's what that fragment is defining.
I cannot remember if I've said this is another comment, so apologies for the repeat if I have. When you're doing an interruption in this situation, the single hyphen should have one space before AND after the hyphen. Another way to do it is with a double hyphen with no spaces.
This you've could've so easily shown this through future dialogue.
Should be colon instead of the last comma. Concluding though.
Single quotes around 'staring' because they're quoting each other.
I feel like the semi-colon would work better between the last two sentences and change the current semi-colon into a plan colon or period. The last two sentences just have a more similar idea than the first two.
Remove 'to' before 'them'.
In this case, for interruption, you would use a double hyphen and put a period between the last hyphen and the quotation mark.
Now that that's over with:
I thought this was a very interesting first chapter with a very interesting protagonist. I love that he's an anti-hero who wears in proudly and justify it (ignoring whether I agree with his outlook xD). There were tons of witty lines, that if I quoted them, I'd be essentially re-quoting the majority of your chapter (so I shan't xD).
This was a well-done example of how you should give information about your character through story progression.
Overall, you quotes are great, your characters are fascinating, and they promote an interesting plot.
Hey AJT!
You are one writer I love reading. The one I know capable of fully writing a story that is creepy but will still seem cute like hell. You've got a Palahnuikesque flair. Maybe a bit on the mild side, but you've got one alright.
So what the hell is this:
This is how kids in Wattpad get around to telling the protagonist's name. Do you need to have this line? You don't.
Maybe I'm just a moron, but I laundry list descriptions like this don't work for me. They read as if: because you want to describe him, you're going on about all this bravery shit. I think characters should never describe themselves. The descriptions are amazing because you can write like hell, but you can't do this. Bury them details between actions and dialogue and it'll work (That's what I think.)
the MC sounds like Ignatius J. Reilly. That's both a good thing and a bad thing.
I don't get what is obvious here. Stating one line about hating everyone at school for being so and so, does not make it obvious or anything. Maybe anything.
Don't "can you?" the reader. One, because every rapist on Wattpad does it. and Two, the MC doesn't seem the guy to talk like that. He's too indifferent.
Why is dialogue in a new para. Some dialogue must accompany "and says,". Then you can para break or whatever.
Okay, the story is brilliant. It is. I love the MC. One thing to remember, make sure the whole "world-is-a-sick-place" stuff is concise and has some semblance to it.
You have this guy who wants to bang hot girls from school because the world is not beautiful.
If that is not comedy, I don't know what it.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
For the technical side of the piece, I didn't find anything grammatically or punctually incorrect. In that regard the piece is fine.
What I felt could use some attention was the way the details are given. Most of them are very "tell" oriented: the narrator explicitly says them. While I do realize that some of that might have been for character voice development, I felt that it could have been shown a little better. Especially for how short this chapter was. When I finished, I definitely felt like it could have been longer, and felt almost like I was missing something. It was just a snapshot, almost a blur of color and character. Take a little more time, let the film (or in this case character) develop a little bit longer. It'll bring more clarity, and give the piece a little more weight.
Hope this helps!
HOLA!
My boyfriend. < 33333333
Now *ahem* Review. As promised.
I read the original work (Pornography Kiss) where this came from, so I know the history, which prepared me for the pretentiousness, errr… individuality of Robert Tarquin. Loving the surname by the way.
‘I want to fuck this girl in my year so hard it will make her permanently disabled.’ Talk about an opening line. XD You manage to grab the reader with the shock factor. Something enough writers don’t have the balls today. And it establishes the voice of the protagonist and the tone of the piece from the off. Gooooooood.
‘Well, I am only choosing to segregate myself from social groups because I am surrounded by illiterate and mentally retarded thugs.’ I don’t know whether it would be wrong to call this observational comedy, but for someone like Robert, I imagine this is his idea of what it would be like. XD
‘"Not quite, but an A for effort.”’ – The witty repartee between the two ‘friends’ (although Robert obviously dominates, or tries to) reads very authentically and is also rather humourous. It also develops character, because the reader becomes aware that Robert is the kind of person with an answer to everything. And we all know people like that, which makes him a relatable ass.
‘Sometimes the most amazing and interesting things occur in the background.’ A highlight of the entire chapter, I love this line. Because it’s true. And it also shows a more, dare I say, modest side to Robert in an oxymoronic way. Because he is right. People in the background get annoyed at being ignored. Lordy! You are evoking my empathy for him.
‘I am even lower than that to Katie- she was unaware of my existence. Until now. Now she's just staring. I hope it's for a good reason. In fact, I know it is.’ Obviously this lead out is the perfect opportunity for later action when you bring Katie’s character into the story. I look forward to seeing the interaction between the two of them, as I have feeling it will be anything but a smooth romance.
On a final note, the title of the chapter: It’s All Subjective, really sums up this work quite fittingly in an ironic way. Clearly a piece like this is going to cause some level of controversy, because Robert is such a marmite character. Personally – and I am not just saying this because I love you – there is something enchanting about him. In a love-to-hate way. I think it probably springs from complete disbelief than anyone could be such an arrogant pig without having a day off.
Personally, I want to read it to just to see him fall flat on his face.
Can’t wait for more, Baby.
I love you. < 333333333
I have a single word to describe this- Interesting. Though it is strange in a way, it flows nicely as you further the chapter. The characters are developed, but could use some work. The word chose is well chosen. The fact that you open up the chapter in the way that you did, you may want to make the rest of the chapter more catching. After the first few paragraph's I started to lose interest. By making something more exciting in the following paragraphs you will manage to keep a hold of your reader's attention. Other than that it is a good chapter after all.