Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hey, me once again.
Interesting chapter! Adding in the poem was also good. I have no expirience with poems, especually those written in english, but I can tell you that yours was fitting to the character of Robert Tarquin, and interesting to read.
At the end, his professor acknowledges his genious (or whatever you prefer to call it), though he doesn't care. He finds this professor under his own level, and that is acceptable, I've had more than enough stupid professors to support that feeling, and I'm not even close to a genious.
Also, in all of his pride and arrogance, I think he deeply underestimates Tony. I'm not sure if you wanted to depict him that way, but judging by his conversation with Tarquin and this little part here, I believe he is one of those lazy guys who step up when its needed. Not nearly stupid and your MC finds him.
Also here I think he has much deeper feelings for Katie than he actually admits to himself. Well ain't this poem about them being together too? He is surely somehow in love with her.
-Alchemist
Let's skip the intro, shall we?
One thing I am noticing is a bit of a tense switch here and there. This is one instance of it.Should be 'in' instead of 'into'. The later is given a direction by 'to', meaning they're entering in something. But, given that you're explaining why he succeeds at being 'cool' rather that what he's succeeding in, you should use 'by' instead of 'in' to clarify how he succeeds at being 'cool'.
This doesn't make sense. How can his attire say this and it still be ''east-expected'?
So glad you mentioned this. Very Cyrano of you. ;D
Wow, he's quite the exhibitionist today. First offering to do a math problem, now being called up to the front of the class to present his poem. That poem kinda reminded me a bit of Blister In The Sun by Violent Femmes, but I love how it has this kind of lover's sonnet kind of feel to it.
I feel like this would work better if not in parenthesis and capitalized.
Another great chapter. I love how the teacher doesn't get mad about the content. English teachers like that are my favorite. I also found it interesting that he doesn't say much about it in general about it and then asks to see more. I wonder what that says about him. ;D I also love the ending line.
So this must be English class, eh? Robert is just proving himself to his classmates left and right, isn't he?
I'm gonna sleep now but I'll be back tomorrow, no doubt. See you then!
I must say, I loved the poem xD I'm not even sure it was really about what he said it was about, was it? Because I looked for the hidden meaning within the poem and found... nothing. But who cares, right? It's a nice poem. I liked it xD
I like that Robert isn't afraid to show everyone who he truly is. He seems nicely developed, in my opinion. In these beginning chapters, he's cocky and arrogant, but come the sessions with Dr Greenway and he's more mellow, more level-headed. He thinks things through and seems more aware of himself and how he presents himself. I think he's coming along very nicely and I look forward to seeing him develop in the next chapters!
Overall this is off to a good start. I'm dying to meet Stephen!
~Iggy
Hey man.
What is this? if you want to put effect on "looks", just italicize it. You are writing an awesome story, not texting questionable things to Mr. Douglas the cool teacher.
I've never heard anything like "Sat to the right of me". How about: Seated next to me is Katie...
Be concise. Don't waste words.
Kate has golden brown hair, and her eyes are also of the that color (You can add the 'u' in color.)
Perhaps a bit excessively?
no need for the comma.
Will Tarquin say stuff like "(d'aww)"?
Okay this isn't wrong or anything, but I always write singular possessives by adding an apostrophe and an "S". Ex: Charles's, Burns's, etc. "The Elements of Style" follows this.
At this point, I'm thinking you want to this to be like one of them high school movies.
Using all caps takes away its charm.
This part's really good too. I liked the poem part. I liked the poem. You seem to be introducing the reader to a new girl every post. Are you doing that intentionally? I'm going to reiterate that I feel some of the characters should recur or something. This is really good. You have one hell of a story here.
Heggo! XD
So, off to a good start.
Of all the words in the English to open your chapter with, you chose: "TITS"
Which strangely, is the perfect choice for this style of work. I have said before (and will say repeatedly) this work is very unique in its nature.
'It's obvious to me that this school sets very low standards for its staff.' The characterisation of Robert being a critical whatsit really comes through here. But his remarks are funny, so you can't really hate him as a character completely.
'I am not sure about how she is as a person- if she possesses genuine artistic integrity or is a materialistic Barbie fuckdoll- but that doesn't matter too much.' Somehow, you have managed to set feminism back through writing this. Maybe it's the avid lengths of description Robert goes into about Katie's appearance, but when it comes to something beyond aesthetics he's not interested. (Or it's the teenage boy in him coming through.) XD
'I swear, I seem to be having to take more Prozac than eat hot dinners.' LOL. Someone who has the ability to make depression funny is worth tolerating the arsey-ness of. He is really funny and that's the main reason why I like him.
'Terror and rape shining through the blinds' The only thing I will say about Robert's writing is that it is intriguing he has chosen to write about eroticism, terror and rape within the same work. Hmm...
'"The loss of virginity equals the loss of meaning to life."' Something tells me this is going to become a key theme of this work?
'For an English teacher, he doesn't speak much of it.' You end the chapter with more witty observations, which means the reader doesn't really have much of a clue where Robert's story is going next. I am intrigued and anticipative of this development.
Write. More. Now. (Pwease). XD
I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE YOU. < 33333333333
Hi, 567,
Wow, wow, wow. I've read a lot of stuff on here and this is striking in that it's absolutely vulgar and still manages to be intellectual at the same time. I love your word choice, I love that you're not afraid to test those boundaries of what's okay and what's not. I'm technically reviewing this piece but I just finished reading all of the others too, and I've already got a solid idea of what kind of guy Tarquin is. There's this show, the Inbetweeners, and I feel like he would fit right in with the rest of the cast. If you haven't seen it then don't worry about it but if you have then I think what I said makes sense, haha. I don't go through and pick out grammatical errors like some other reviewers but I can say that nothing jumped out at me as especially wrong, so that's good. I guess my biggest complaint with this piece (and previous pieces in this series as well) is that you do so much showing, and not enough telling. I guess the best way to do that is focus on integrating bits of information into the actions of the scene instead of separating your information from the action. For instance, that little bit about Mr. Douglas and his kilts, you could have Tarquin entering the class to be greeted by Mr. Douglas saying something about them rather than just giving us that tidbit. Other than that, however, this is really witty and lovely all around. Keep it up!