Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Hello, back here for a "Adopt a novel" review!
Another stylishly good chapter, no complaints, is good.
Introduction of another character, huh? Though, since your novel is written through Robert's POV, we only get to see their real selves through dialogue.
Stephen seems like a rather contradictor person to me. So, his main trait is that hes gay. But him dressing up as Hitler? K, it can be understood as a joke. But, you also called him millitant. And at the end, outstanding knowledge of communism (though I understand a gay person can be interested in it I doubt it's very usual they are interested in communism. I'm a sociology student myself and I can tell you that none of the gay persons I study with are interested in it).
It is quite obvious Robert likes him. The fact that he acknowledges him is enoug. Also, he wasn't really able to answer him at all while talking about Katie, which is very unlike him (even though we only have his opinion we have a Tony's view too).
It is strange how this is 2nd time how Robert said he is good in every subject except the one , this time it was physics.
Ahhh the fight. It is something I really didn't expect of a person like him. Welp at least we can see he is not all words, but this time I can only conclude he really likes Stephen, or that he is absolutely crazy (though, he does drink prozac and said himself that he totally lost control).
-Alchemist
Edit: I don't know how I did this, but this is a review for chapter 3, not four. Umm...So I guess I'll have to post this on chapter three and then edit this post when I get to chapter four. Sorry about that. >.>
This will probably be my last one for the day. D':
I'm shocked. I'm assuming this has to be in England, because this is illegal in the states. Unless this is a hick-state.Nevermind, you clarify this later.This explains why our character acts so repressed. Though, that makes me more surprised that the teacher didn't say anything about the paper.
This doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't you expect it to be grey if it is so factory infested?
Comma unnecessary here after 'environment.
Would be better as 'in' rather than 'to'.
You have these massive paragraphs of tangents that don't really seem to have much purpose. I mean, there are moments where you're giving us some helpful info to understand you character more, but you seem to keep tossing characters and info that seem to show no greater purpose. Honestly, I think you could've just done a small background on the neighborhood and then skipped to "I enter the putrid green coloured hallway". Technically, I would say skip just to that but I like knowing a bit of the Christain and industrial influences on his environment since this does tell us about his character.
Love this and the tie it has to his father death.
Misuse of an interrupting hyphen. Should be a comma.
Lol. This is funny because it does feel like you seem to be playing a David Copperfield on us, but it's nice to see Robert make a joke out of it.
Oh, I like this little detail of a reference to the previous chapter when he mentioned the pill. :3 Gives us more insight to his character.
I feel like you could'be split your paragraph at 'so it's time to take' to emphasize the jump in topic. Also love the description of how he takes the pill.
Funny.
It was great that you mentioned this since it also seemed that his interests in this movie was similar to how he fascinated about Katie.
FINALLY STEPHEN COMES IN.
I do think that Darren's dialogue could've been more unique and less cheesy/common, but still, it works and get the message across. My poor Stephen.
I mean. Ahem. Hi.
So like I've told you before, you start off with heavy description. What I suggest is that you try to start off with some dialogue first, then feed us descriptions one at a time. A heap of them all at once and then dialogue with short descriptions makes chunks of the chapter look weak when compared to other chunks.
I felt like Stephen's intro was great! I would comment on how having a homophobe target the gay of the story might be a but cliche but hey, I suppose it's cliche because it happens often in real life, eh? Unfortunately. I like how you present Stephen, as a loud and proud gay that's out of the closet and isn't afraid to be who he is. The tidbit about him dressing up as Hitler made me laugh. He and Robert aren't that different, are they? Okay, it's done. I ship them. Forget Katie.
So this is the fight with Darren that was always referred to? Well, now I know.
That fight totally shows us how Robert can be when pushed. O_O He beat the crap out of Darren! Like wow, how did he not get arrested for that? (I've no idea how you British schooling systems are but here, he would've been arrested and taken to juvie)
I encourage you to show us why Robert is so protective of Stephen and so aggressive towards homophobes. Is it because of a past childhood event? Is it because Stephen is his good friend? Is it because he's starting to think he's gay, or at least, liking the same sex? Is it because he just fully supports LGBTQ+ people? Explain why.
You're off to a good start and I love the ending! Is that Mr. Greenwood (or what's his name?)? I can't wait to find out.
~Iggy
Hey Ajt.
Displays what? Maybe I'm not getting it.
Who says the dialogue here? Tarquin or Stephen? It isn't clear.
Hyphens aren't necessary.
lose "into".
Same here. First, I think Stephen says the first dialogue, but he's actually saying the second. Put "Stephen stands up" with the second dialogue.
Well, English isn't my native language, so I'm having confusions whether "literally" was used correctly here. You could get somebody else to see if it's okay.
Cut out "with".
This chapter's a bit different. Tarquin fights for a cause, so the reader takes back something else other than his enjoyable whining.
I don't know about Stephen. He seems to be an important character. His introduction in the story felt a bit late (that's just what I think). But anyway, it was enjoying and that's a good thing.
Bloody hell!
Like whoa. Hmmm
So I have been dipping in and out of this series and I have to say it's quite an interesting concept.
To begin with, I thought your main character was a bit of an idiot, but gradually, he seems to be becoming more human. Which is great, because I like Robert Tarquin a lot more now.
I would love to know who you based him on?!
Umm, you've got good levels of dialogue here, balanced out with description.
'“No no, he’s just a bad influence. Loads of fights start in defence of him and it’s not worth it.”
“Same thing. He’s gay, you’re not, you don’t like him, he doesn’t conform, I get it Fincher. I can see through your façade.” I don’t think she quite expected that.' SUch as here.
I really like this, you should totally keep writing.
Hey baby! XD
So, I have been waiting bloody ages for this chapter to emerge, so first criticism is: don't leave it this long next time.
Now for the work....
AMAZE-BALLS
Best chapter yet, you've established the characters, Robert has found his voice and it's all developing.
As previously discussed, my favourite part of this chapter was the fight, because it was oh-so visceral and gritty and heartfelt and very non-cliche too.
'His whole front line of teeth is being decimated by blow after blow;' this line was one of my favourites in particular. The way it was written was just perfect for Robert.
'“I hate homophobia.”
“Oh. Stephen?”
“Yes.”
“Stay away from that boy, he’s trou-“' - The short, snappy dialogue here works really well in showcasing the characters' emotions without description getting in the way.
'If he thinks we will get along, all I can say to him is good luck.' The ending line is also brilliant, because you don't know what is going to happen next, the introduction of the new character leads to a certain level of ambiguity. Which is perfect for chapter 5, which you should totally write now.
And post.
Post it now.
Please?
-pokes-
GO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! XD
LOL.
I love you. <3