Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Hello, I'm back for an "Adopt a novel" review.
You keep on developing your MC really well. No stylish complaints, I don't think I have any complaints at all. This is extremely well written and though through, or at least thats how it feels like.
The line " after all I find the collapse of the human race to be rather comical." is what makes him seem arrogant the most. He doesn't even feel like he is a part of a humanity, and even more is that he thinks that he is above the individual. Well so far he's got nothing too much to prove it.
"Still, good to masturbate to." is also a line that shows he doesn't understand how typical he might be (not typical, but rather not a god on earth how he tends to see himself).
Also, great description of the two classmates. Throwing the paper and his reaction was nice.
Great ending line to conclude this chapter!
-Aclhemist
'Ello, rawrafied back. It is review day again and my goal is to represent team Rugido Sol. But it's been a long day, and I figured I'd finish off with your lovely novel. I've been meaning to finish this bad boy for a while now. xD I'm a little too lazy to read your previous reviews, so I apologize if I comment on anything they had already addressed.
Nitpick. I feel like this would read better with 'the' before 'so called'.'To' and 'by' seem to not work well next to one another. I would suggest omitting 'to'. Love the cattle reference, by the way.
Usually you use these hyphen to make new adjectives from multiple words. So I would suggest removing the hyphen connecting 'nonces' since that's what you're describing.
Interrupting hyphens should have one space BEFORE and after or be a double hyphen with no spaces.
Even though you mention him using his dreadlocks as a way to be threatening, this still doesn't connect well with the second fragment when you use 'who'. The 'who' implies his dreadlocks as the ones to be using their height to gang up on people (which I hope is not the case, because now we've jumped from reality to fantasy xD). A simple 'and' in its place might help. :3
I'm assuming this is suppose to be an interrupting hyphen. It's being misused. A simple comma would do better.
'Claimed' is more of the word you would use to describe a past event, not a command.
Loving the monologue up to this point. However, 'isn't exactly poetry to my eyes' is not part of the list, but I still love this line. I would suggest making this a new sentence and changing 'isn't' to 'not'.
This "interrupting" hyphen might do better as a semi-colon since these are both complete sentences.
Loved this.
The colon should go after 'bedroom' since the following after that is a list. Then change the original colon to a period.
'Awkward pause' is unnecessary. That's what the ellipsis are for.
Also, I was a little confused on your math for a sec. if the initial equation supposed to be: y = (3x + 5)/(5x - 2) ? Cause then that would make sense. I'm guessing YWS just isn't math equation friendly. Though, that's kind of rudimentary math of a 'gifted' math class. Unless he's in the dumb math class and they say that to make him feel less bad. I'm even more surprised the teacher would be impress to such an extent. At my school, being advance meant taking pre-calc freshmen year.
Anyways, another lovely chapter. :3
Math hurts my brain. You've no idea. I kinda skimmed over the equation parts. xD
"
But that's not important. What's important is that this chapter shows us that Robert is a bit of a -for a lack of a better word- loser. Yes? I mean, clearly he's not popular. But from what I see, Tony is his only friend. Only. He fantasizes about having sex with girls who don't even look at him. No one in the classroom noticed his presence until he stood up. I mean, he sounds like a loser to me. Poor shmuck xD
So he's very smart, I see. Also very sexual. That's all I know so far! I want to know more. Less about his sex drive and more about who he truly is. What does he like to do for fun? Read, write, draw, skate, play video games, etc.? What type of music is he into? And what grade is he even in? And what month is this? It sounds like the middle of the school year and then you make it sound like it's the beginning. I'd love to see a definite somewhere.
The ending was pretty awesome. I'm finding it a bit cheesy that everyone was amazed by him. Does that mean that the class is full of idiots or just lazy people who never try? Either way, the ending was awesome. He's like "make way for the king
I look forward to reading more!
~Iggy
Hey there.
why is there a hyphen after seriously?
Also, "on the rather interesting..." should be " on a rather interesting..." (I think). Because if you're using "the", you indulge in "indirection". Or something.
Having this unique kind of guy with original attitude as your MC is great, but you should downplay it a little. At least when the MC is talking himself about himself.
Bro, can you really do that in England? I got expelled in 8th grade justfor calling one of the teachers a mother-something.
Once in a while, Tarquin's wish to sound pedantic will bite him back. there is no need for "on the basis" here. The child molesters on Wattpad do these kinds of things to sound smart or something.
Re-word it, lose the redundant words. Gawd, you're a brilliant writer, get hold of yourself.
Can you figuratively look like something? Just asking. Unconsoled figuratively looks like Matthew McConaughey, by the way.
These two lines correlate so well! This was the awesomeness in your writing I was talking about it.
If this is YWS molesting your work, ignore me. But always use em dashes (—) in these cases, instead of hyphens or en dashes (-).
Rearrange this sentence.
wat.
Anyways, the first part of the 2nd chapter was funny, I don't get why you had to make us watch equations and stuff. The character still reads a bit like Ignatius J. Reilly. But it works.
There are characters comin' and stuff and I hope they recur. I am also hoping in the next chapters I get to see Tarquin on his family.
I'm so loving this story!
Like, I am well surprised by this innit?!
You got this guy, right.... Robbie. And he's supposed to be like well fit I imagine. Uh-huh. I thinks hes a great character because he just says what he's thinking. ey fam. Like, he know no boundaries. What are boundaries anyway?
I enjoy reading from him because he majes me laugh, especially when he says things about that teacher and hert its. That;s hilarious.
You write really well, like so rude, like no one else on here, they could leanr from you fam, deffo.
I wish I could write so openly like this, I think the secret is good characters. An you it bebz.
Ummm.... don't have much criticism really, only that Robbie han' go laid yet.
LAY HIM> XD
I hope to see this in the plot developemtn laterz.
Never sotp.
Heggo Baby. XD
And it's brilliant.
(He seems to think he can dismiss whatever he likes in favour of his own views. What a d***!)
Review time again.
So....
In chapter one, you laid the groundwork for Robert Tarquin being a pretentious arse. Here, he is given the opportunity to shine.
'Today is Monday, and I'm stuck here with so called "gifted and talented mathematicians" solving equations I could do in my sleep.' From the start, you establish his arrogance, he obviously finds what 'normal' people would find difficult to be mundane. It must be so hard for him. XD Lulz You make it incredibly hard to empathise with him, which is great, because he is a d*****bag.
The use of foul language in this piece: 'Even in saying that, my class is full of empty headed clunges and most-likely-to-be-nonces,' is definitely to be encouraged, because it represents good characterisation.
Also, the references you make Robert use match the calibre of his pretentious intelligence: 'The Napoleon complex remains supreme in justifying a David & Goliath struggle, which is utter bullshit.' And also make the reader laugh.
'Chelsea, her blazer off and her two top buttons undone.' As a first representation of a female character in your story, it's no wonder she has been portrayed in this way. (No points for feminism.) But it's not really surprising, given the way Robert treats everyone else. It makes complete sense the way in which he objectifies women. However, Chelsea doesn't seem to be making herself in the best light either.
As this passage develops, I have changed my opinion. No points awarded to feminism, but points definitely deducted. Ten points from Gryffindor: 'In short, she resembles a white Nicki Minaj, both in excess and in voice. Still, good to masturbate to.' Now, I have a bo*** to pick here. Freud! *bone. THIS IS SO AUDACIOUSLY RUDE! You are on the verge of losing all relatability for Robert here. Be warned: only so much c**k-talking we can take. XD And.. err, how does he know who Nicki Minaj is?! I didn't imagine she would be his cup of tea. XD
'I don't dare look up her skirt; I'm scared Aragog will crawl out of the cobwebs.' Ok so this made me laugh. Giggle actually. It was very witty. If Robert keeps making observations like this, I may even start liking him. O.O
As for the maths: I have no idea how ANYONE could work that out. But then, I suck at maths. Lulz.
'''I heard a slight gasp as I finished; Mrs. Drysdale looked on astonished. In a weird moment of self-satisfaction, I smirked rather arrogantly, as if to say "I have arrived."' I do LURVE this ending line though. Could he be anymore self assured? The answer: is no.
Brilliant.
I can think of few characters that rival Robert's distinctive personality.
Great job Baby. < 333333
Love me.