Let the young man weep,
and the old rejoice.
Give the poor man wealth,
and the rich be deprived.
Give the strong man hindrance,
and the weak help.
Let the homless man have a roof,
taken away from he who has too many.
Let the world be joined,
rather than hidden in seclusion.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello Niraco! :3 Do you have any idea why I am here? Of course you do! (Unless you don't...) TO REVIEW!
Before I begin, I love how you used the last two lines in order to relate with the title. It builds suspense, and for a moment I was going to review this saying, "How does the title in any way relate to the poem itself?" Obviously, I was indeed, proven wrong.
First of all, why do you change the order every time? I noticed this throughout the entire poem. You say something like strong-weak weak-strong strong-weak... instead use a more stable solution (strong-weak strong-weak strong-weak) so it does not produce any hidden confusion for the reader to attend to.
Now that's out of the way, focusing more on these first four lines will most likely help
Why is the poem taking something away and giving it to something else? Isn't this more like switching up the situation? The strong become weak and weak become strong?
I am also a little confused of how this can all work out... is this a plead or an order? A demand or something completely different? Most of the things I'm saying here can be easily valid to the rest of the poem.
Otherwise, this actually a nice stanza although I don't see why the young man should weep if the more elderly humans feel like they in particular, don't necessarily have a meaning for life even if they do in some way... get what I'm trying to say? In short, why do the old have to rejoice?
It's not over! The rich may have earned what they have, and the poor may not have paid much attention in school thus creating another hobo in life.
When I see a red squiggly line under a word, I instantly want to nitpick, but I'm sure if you carefully read this, you'll find the problem.
The first two lines (in the quote above the closest) are actually quite knowledgeable in my opinion. If the strong is already strong, what else do they need? If the weak isn't strong, well, they must be helped on such a thing!
EXCEPT!!! (<the two extras are required... I am so sorry...)
The last two lines are dark and terrible. He who has too many? WHO WOULD HAVE TOO MANY? It was well earned! Homeless? Too BAD!! They didn't earn it! They should've paid attention in school or paid attention to everyday life and how harsh reality is! (although I still do pity them!)
This is a wonderful ending that finally fulfills the title's cause, however it still doesn't make sense at all to the rest of the poem. Try saying to yourself what the last two lines are supposed to mean... you might get it.
All in all it was okay... though you couldn't use its FULL POTENTIAL!
My rating:
8/10
Keep writing!
~Kitty
Hey mongoose here,
I really enjoyed this poem it shows how the world really is unfaur in such few lines. I love how it explains wealth and poverty against youth and age, it is like two different concepts of wealth and i think thats really clever.
My favourite lines have to be
"Let the world be joined,
Rather than hudden in seclusion."
To me it really shows how the world is messed up, and that people need to get along, embracing each others faults and dealing with them rather than fighting over things.
I also like how its all in one stanza too, its asif it is standing as one, against one huge problen. Which ultimately makes the poem hold much more of an importance.
Thanks for posting its fab!:)
Thanks a lot for your kind words
There were a few typos in here that were a bit distracting, such as 'rejoyce' and 'seclucsion'.
I'm also not sure what you meant by the line "Let the give the poor man wealth.", so I'd consider rewriting that. Those are small, easily fixable things though.
The poem is also confusing by the fact that all of them are sort of about giving more to the one that is lacking except for the "Give the strong man help, and the weak hinderance." one. If there's a reason this one's switched and the other ones aren't, I must be as dense as a rock because I don't get it sorry to say. Maybe elaborate on it if there is, and expand the poem?
If not, the poem itself is very simple and very to-the-point, which suits it well. And you did a great job with the ending, which is beautiful.
Hope this review helped. Keep writing and Happy Review Day!
From the Flaming Keys,
-tgirly
Thank you for the review
I went back and changed the typos and such.
I agree with the other reviewers that there are a lot of distracting spelling errors, but the overall theme of the poem is good
I corrected some of the obvious grammatical errors above (awkward phrasing and misspellings.)
I also think that the lines about the strong man and the weak man don't match the rest of the message. It should be flip-flopped: "Give the weak man help and the strong hindrance."
One last thing, you should keep your lines parallel. In other words, have them all reflect the format you used in the first sentence. For example, everything begins with "let", but one line says "give". In order to have poetic flow the lines should all say "let."
I hope I helped some. You have a very good idea for a poem here, it just needs a little work
Thanks a lot for the review. I went back and did some editing.
Hi. I would like to commend you for using punctuation in a poem. Some people seem to forget to do this, but this is about your poem so i will move on.
You had a few spelling errors:
rejoyce
homless
seclucsion
This line needs to be fixed:
"Let the give the poor man wealth,"
Also I think you poem sounds very socialistic, but I do not want to argue politics right now. I enjoyed how you went back and forth, giving the opposite of what you had just said. I think it strengthened your points. I like the style of it overall. I think you could do quite well in poetry if you simply focus more on mechanics.
I have never done poetry before so I really am not totally aware of the mechanics.
Hi there. First off, spelling -- I hate mentioning stuff like that but it was distracting. Secondly, did you mean to put "give the strong man help?" because that kind of clashes with the entire theme of the poem and I was a bit confused if you'd meant it the other way around.
Aside from that, welcome to the world of poetry. I like the concept you're trying to develop, but this is underdeveloped, crude, and a bit disjointed. Everything you mention so far is a list. You're trying to do this big powerful thing about society and turning the tables on the general situation of the way that wealth often separates people but in making everyone a list, you're dehumanizing them again. This is what imagery is for. Imagery, figurative language, all that delicious stuff, makes your poetry human. It's what allows us to put ourselves and our own experiences into our poetry so other people can relate and feel what we are trying to express in our words. I think that maybe if you try this again, maybe make some references to other things in order to show the breadth of emotion and cruelty and hope, it would be a lot stronger. Also, you could use some stronger lines for the ending in general.
Anyway, lemme know if you have any questions.
Thank your for the review. I edited it and fixed the typos but I dunno if I'm really cut out for writing poems, hahha.
I'm Willow Cutz, and this is....MY REVIEW!
I apologize in advance for my personality.
First off it's the title that really got me here. It reminds me...of a song. *music starts to play* When I was a young-
*No, no, no*
*What?*
*We're not doing the singing...*
Fine, bit it did remind me of a song title: Let the Rain, by Sara Barellies? So I tapped the post and the first line I see is "Let the yound man weep" Instantly I began to groan. The title is the third mpst important part of the piece. Behind the actual words and spunky blue dinosaurs. We'll just focus on the 1st and 3rd, though. You see the title gets the reader there, it doesn't matter how good the piece is if the title is not interesting. I try to say that you stay away from the title being the same as the last line (it makes the last line look cheap), the same as the first line (it shows lack of interest in the author's titling skills), and NEVER EVER make it too random (the reader keeps searching for a link between the title and the writing throughout the first read through.)
Aside from that I am lacking detail in the actual poem. Give me a reason to care about the people you write about. I don't just want words I want them to mean something.
Kay Kay?
~Willow Cutz
I've never written a poem before so I didn't put much emotion into but still thought it was a good idea. Thank you for your review
Sorry about the three same messages, I hit the wrong button for "Is this a review?" twice
That's okay dude!
Hello
Shauzer here reviewing 
But I do like your idea, the theme of the poem is equality, right? Justice? It's nice, a good idea.
It was good for a first poem, and you can tell that it's still a work in progress.
There was a few spelling mistakes, I won't bother to point these out, there's no point.
I think you need to add some diversity to it though, it's the same thing again and again.
(Let the .....
Let the .....) I hope you know what I mean by this, it's like your comparing over and over again. Usually you should have something different at the end... Your "rather than hidden in seclusion" is nice, it is different. But I just think you could have something else, something extra.
I like your use of the word hinderance. Hardly ever used, and it adds a nice sophisticated touch to the poem. I think you have good poetic potential, and you should definitely keep writing.
With Regards,
TS