You spit your words at me like daggers,
Slowly they destroy my core -
A core which yearns for freedom -
A freedom controlled by you.
You say that you are perfect,
And that I know nothing.
Yet you push your troubles onto me,
Then yell as if I am the cause.
I was forced to grow up too quickly,
Now I wish for childish things.
People wonder why my spirit is blue,
None of them I can tell the cause is you.
You spit, scream, punch and kick,
While I can only mumur: 'Yes mother.'
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,623 Reviews
Hi, I like this poem a lot!
There's only one thing I was wondering about. The line that says "none of them I can tell that it is you.' did you purposely word it that way?
It doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem so I was thinking rewording it as "I can tell no one that it is because of you" or I can tell no one that the cause is you."
But yeah that's just a suggestion...
Great poem, can relate to it...
Anyway yeah sorry if you didn't want a review it just kind of stood out.
Also you forgot the l in like XD
I went back and changed regarding your suggestions. Also, I always put up work to get reviews xD
Okay.. some people hate it when others review and I was scared I'd offend you
It really is a cool poem though good job XD
I get what you mean. I like to think that here almost everyone takes reviews rather well.
Yeah... It still makes me nervous though XD
I feel like I'm overly critical and correct every detail... I just corrected one That was AMAZING but the author misused some words. Like using digs his jaw instead of sinks his jaws... I mean they are both correct but one just fit the poem better and sounded better than the other in the way they were using it.
I don't know... I just tend to say the wrong things and accidentally offend the person XD
You seem to mean well which is good
Hello! This has lovely and haunting content, and the way you've written it really lets the reader feel what the writer is feeling. It was interesting to see no rhyming--quite nice actually, so the one couplet seemed a bit out of place. Perhaps it would feel more complete without this couplet? or add a rhyming scheme to the piece? I like that all the lines are fairly short which makes it feel slightly rushed and resentful. Perhaps you meant "murmur" rather than "mummer"? Other than this, I don't see many issues other than a few typos.
You spit your words at me like daggers,
Slowly they destroy my core--
A core which yearns for freedom--
A freedom controlled by you.
I fixed the typo, and suggested punctuation, but this is my favorite stanza. I believe that many people feel this way at one point or another.
Keep writing!
I'm unsure as to which couplet you're talking about. I can't rhyme so if I did then it was by pure accident.