Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
A/N: Another go at poetry this time I am even more nervous about posting this. I had this idea in my head and just rolled with it. Thus producing this. I really hope this worked out.
Your sweet taste still lingers on my tongue,
As our skin touches.
I’m giddy, happy, excited,
But above all I'm scared.
~
I've only heard stories of this moment,
Some pleasant, others painful.
Which one will we unwrap?
~
My heart is beating,
Faster than humming birds wings.
Already I’m breathless,
My fear is beginning to consume me.
~
I don’t want it!
~
It was a good idea,
Maybe at first.
~
But I’m not prepared.
~
The pain is sharp,
But I can’t yelp out.
I want this to stop,
This can’t go on.
~
Our skin no longer touches,
The warmth you once provided is iced.
~
Our eyes have never locked,
Until this moment.
I’m terrified,
Like a kitten in the presence of a Great Dane.
~
A chuckle escapes your soft lips,
Then I taste your tongue again.
~
But now it’s salty.
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello there, and happy review day!
Hmmm, let's see. I think that some of your description could have been a bit better. The seventh stanza, for example, is pretty straightforward and uninteresting to read. You could change it to make it more descriptive or the pain that the speaker is feeling. This just states, "It hurt." I think you could show us readers that it hurt rather than just flat-out saying it.
Other times though, your description is spot-on, with beautifully crafted metaphors as well. You had a few grammatical errors that you'll probably catch if you read over the poem a few times, but that's not a big deal. I like how you've taken a very rarely talked about subject and turned it into a poem, although you cover it up by not being straightforward about it. It's nice to see writers who aren't afraid to put taboo subjects out there. Kudos on that!
Overall, this was a suspenseful, tense piece that could use a bit of work. Nice job, though! Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the review. I actually really don't like how this poem turned out. I may have to try it again since you liked it so much. Thanks again
No problem.
Hello! Clarice Arrais to a review here.
I have no idea where to begin with. It was kind of tense, because of the intern moral readers carry with themselves. If you want to write in this style, you have to be prepared to listen (and read) a lot of criticism. People are nervous about taboo themes, as sex.
It was not horror to me, it had characteristics of a reality people do not accept: forced sex. This is definetely a taboo theme, so you should have softened it with a lot of metaphors (I agree with DeepCrystal here).
There was this thing when I was reading, it was like some of the stories I heard about first times: a girl who wants it, regrets it, but the (selfish)guy doesn't stop. It can be shocking to most people, but this is actually common. Not good for girls but common among teenagers.
It was a good poem, but it could've been excellent with the right words choice. You described the scene well, not agressive, but really tense. I could feel the tension. You have to be aware when you write you make people feel things.
What kinds of things do you want people to feel? Do you write about it only because you like the themes or do you want to reach some goal?
Your writing: good.
Shape: good.
Theme: alternative
Ending: could've been better (in my opinion).
Very good writing, but think about what I said.^^
You should try writing some horror tales, I'm sure you'd rock!
Poetry about sex. Whatever next? The rapture I saw, but the pain? I suppose that it is emotional pain and this girl I assume does not want this relationship to go any farther than it already has. This might even be bordering on rape. I got a very negative atmosphere from this poem and it is not sensual, or even rapturous. The kind of atmosphere I got was urgency and not in a positive way. A kind of urgency that results from a certain amount of panic and it's obvious that this girl might have wanted to make love at first, but now she wants it to stop and her partner is not being very empathetic about it. This is almost like an erotic horror, if that can be considered a genre. The erotica because of the sex, and the horror because of this girl's terror. Her pain is like a sudden realization of something that she knows that she shouldn't have done and now she can't stop it. This is dark! Due to your flawless consistency of the atmosphere, I don't have much to say except to experiment with a bigger use of metaphors and symbols and make it even more picturesque. All in all, quite a poem!!