There you are
So happy and bright.
A smile never leaves
Your missing toothed face.
Tomorrow is something
To look forward to.
-
There you are
So nervous yet hopeful.
The childish days are gone
You’ll miss them dearly,
But there is a new chapter.
A chapter you long to write.
-
There you are
So young and fragile.
Your sprit is already broken.
You long for the day
Where freedom will take you away.
It won’t.
It never will.
-
There you are
Destroyed and alone.
You wander aimlessly,
Through a desert of bleakness.
You want them all to pay
For causing your suffering.
They won’t.
-
There we are.
Shakily standing on a pillar of sorrow.
A broken smile is used as a façade.
The coding on our emotions is so cryptic
No one can decipher it.
Don’t worry,
It’ll be over soon.
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It was ok. I liked the theme of it but the ending
"There we are.
Shakily standing on a pillar of sorrow.
A broken smile is used as a façade.
The coding on our emotions is so cryptic
No one can decipher it.
Don’t worry,
It’ll be over soon." that does not really make any sense when you just said
"You long for the day
Where freedom will take you away.
It won’t.
It never will."
I made the poem like that. Due to their being no freedom death seems to be the only option. Depressing, I know. Has this cleared anything up?
Loved it.
Hey Niraco,
I really liked the structure of this poem and the repetition of 'there you are' and then ending with 'we are' was very effective as this change creates a whole new tone for the last stanza.
However I feel the last line leaves the poem with an abrupt end.
I like the message that it ends with as it sums up the hard feelings that progress through out each stanza, building up until the end however I would maybe put 'it'll be over soon.' on the next line to elongate the last stanza just so it flows better however the short ending also works with the poem to symbolise a quick end to life? I would like to find out your thoughts behind this poem and sorry if some of my notes don't make much sense. Overall I really liked how engaging this poem was and that many could probably relate to it so thank you for writing it and I hope to read more from you.
~Franny
Thanks for your review. I went back and made the changes you suggested. I'm glad you enjoyed this poem so much.
Greetings fellow writer ^-^ I really LOVE this piece! It's so full of emotion o.o it's glorious!!! I think my favorite line is officially this one:
"The coding on our emotions is so cryptic
No one can decipher it."
I really like that line ^.^ It's lovely. I noticed a few spelling errors unless they were on purpose. If not here's what I saw -> :
"You long for the day
Were freedom will take you away."
(I think it's supposed to be "where" unless you meant to put it as "were")
"A smile never leaves
You missing toothed face."
(I think you meant "your" but again I don't know if you meant "You" or not ^-^)
That's all I noticed not to be a pest hehe I just figured I'd point them out before someone else did because sometimes people can word it wrong and make it come out mean. If I did that then I'm so sorry! o.o
Again I love your poem, this review is getting a bit long. ^-^ Sorry about that! Have a nice day!!!
~Space
I'm glad you liked this poem. Thanks for pointing out those erros. When I get the chance I'll go back and change them. Thanks for that review.
Np! ^-^