Anger boils through my veins.
Sorrow festers away at my soul.
A world I once longed to escape
Now looks like a paradise.
-
How dare you?
How dare you leave me?
What gave you the right,
To become ash?
No resolve.
No closure.
No fairy tale conclusion.
Just ash.
Worthless ash.
-
Once hushed nights
Now disturbed by festering thoughts.
Thoughts that eat away
At my once hushed nights.
My eyes now sand dry
But still yearning for moisture.
A heart spilling over
No longer able to feel positive.
-
Bars that I once beat against
Seem like a safety net.
A match of screams and insults
Felt like warm embraces.
A world of curses and hurt
Unable to find peace
Without you.
You worthless piece of ash.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I really like the way this is written. Some parts may be improved by revising your use of plurals, such as in the line, "No resolve." This may be changed to "no resolution." as it will improve the flow of words.
Hello there!
This is a cool poem, and I like the idea of someone turning to ash. However, I think there are some things that could be done better, and the flow might be improved as well.
I think this would be better as "Sorrow festers in my soul." because I don't think you're using festers quite right in this way.
Going along with the turning to ash thing, I would choose dissolve rather than resolve, like you are dissolving into ash. Resolve actually does seem like a fairy tail ending, contrary to what you say next.
That part should be present tense! How about "feel like warm embraces"?
You've already said festering once, but not quite enough for it to work really well as repetition. I do generally like his word, but I would suggest changing out one of the two.
Lastly, a big issue that I found was the punctuation. I won't tell you what's right and wrong for your poetry, but I think a lot of these periods interfere with the flow, in my opinion. Try reading it aloud, or maybe think of the poem as sentences rather than lines. I think both of these things might help you with better places to put your periods.
All in all, it's a very nice idea, and some of your imagery is very good. With just a little bit of work, it could be even better!
-Falconer
Hello.
So I have an interest in your line: 'a world I once longed to escape now looks like a paradise.' This line is quite relatable, for it is often within human nature to desire that which one has previously avoided. A temptress to humankind, if you would.
A problem I have with in this poem is flow. Particularly in the line 'but still yearning for moisture.' you did not need that conjunction (but). It disrupted the easy, emotional hold your work had on me.
I would suggest editing the flow--perhaps reading it aloud, if you'd like.
I really think you have a wonderful voice, and your muse is working originally, so please keep writing.
--laeconix