A/N: This is my second try at being poetic, I had this idea in my head for a while but I'm not too sure about it. Which is why I think I'm nervous of it.
You see,
We are not like you.
We branched from you,
Lived in you,
Survived because of you.
But we are different.
~
You see,
I hear your late night muttering,
You think it’s to yourself,
But I listen.
I can sense your cries of sorrow,
But I cannot defeat them.
~
You see,
We only have each other now,
We have broken from you.
The ‘lost children’ we are called.
The safety of our mother’s arms,
Replaced by wounding words.
~
You see,
Pain is a feeling we know too much.
Death is a friend,
While Life wishes us suffering.
However, I see my horizons plentiful,
But yours woefully to the grave.
~
You see,
I love you.
~
While my words ring hollow,
And my actions falter.
We both know that it is true.
We really do love you.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,751 Reviews
Hey there! I saw this piece and couldn't pass it by! I love how each stanza starts with "you see." when I read it, the voice is very strong and it calls my attention. I love the story it tells and the emotion that's woven in the words. I really do think you have something great here
My favorite line:
"I can sense your cries of sorrow,
But I cannot defeat them."
Great job! Keep writing!
Thank you for the review. Makes me feel a lot better about writing poetry.
Hello Niraco!
First, you're poetry work is amazing. And the fact that this is only your second try at it is nearly mind-blowing! This is an amazing talent that you have and as the reader I can only wish that I the skills that you do. Wow, that's all that going through my head right now.
Second, I love how you used the ~ in between each section. It works really well with the flow of the poem and it works really well. I also like how at the beginning of most mini-sections you used:
"You see"
That technique that you have used in this is really awesome. I hope you do more poetry and go far with it. You truly have a talent and I might actually read this poem a few more times after I post this just because it was so good. Keep it up!
-Emily
I really did not expect such a good review. Thanks for that
This is a very interesting poem. Is very touching and sad, but so beautiful at the same time. I couldn't really find fault with this so I will just say what I think.
The first stanza:
'You see,
We are not like you.
We branched from you,
Lived in you,
Survived because of you.
But we are different.'
I was grabbed in by the first name, by effectively using the second person-'you'. The reader feels much more intimate with this poem. But I was also slightly bemused, we? What's we? That propelled to read further.
I really love this stanza:
'
You see,
Pain is a feeling we know too much.
Death is a friend,
While Life wishes us suffering.
However, I see my horizons plentiful,
But yours woefully to the grave.'
The first four lines are realistic thoughts but then in the last three line, you have given the readers hope. And that's amazing.
However, by the time I finished reading the poem. I still couldn't figure out who we is. But is still a very good poem.
-Lx
Thank you for the review, means a lot.
Always my pleasure.