White Veil

The June sun beamed down from a cloudless sky on the Hudson mansion lawn. The scent of fresh cake and champagne filled the air. Joy and happiness radiated from all parts of the lawn. The wind carried the sound of laughter and chit- chat everywhere. The lawn itself was decorated beautifully in tulips and roses, as if in serious competition with the diamond- clad, well- heeled ladies who filled its ground. All were merry, save for one fine figure sitting aloof. Alicia sat in her balcony, room locked from the inside. She sat staring at the sky, yet staring at nothing in particular. Dressed in elegant white, she could see her life flashing in her mind- memories from all her one and twenty years of existence came flooding to her. In the swarm of the snippets of her past years, one memory in particular made her smile.

"...and they lived happily ever after."

"One more story, Daddy."

"No my darling. It is late. You must go to sleep now."

"Last one. Please."

"Sweetie, if I kept you up this late, your mother would have me for breakfast tomorrow morning. Now, I do not make a tasty omelette, must I warn you."

A chuckle found its way out of little Alicia's rosy pink mouth. "Good night." The girl's dark orbs, which have been gleaming with joy a moment ago, suddenly turned alert. "Mommy won't know. Just one more, please?" Little Al gave her dad the sweetest look she could muster as she grabbed a copy of 'Cindrella' from her nightstand and pushed it towards her father.

His eyes softened. "Tomorrow night, I promise."

"But I want to find Prince Charming tonight."

This time her dad laughed. "You want to find Prince Charming? My dear, then you must go to sleep. Your prince awaits you in your dreams."

"But I want a real prince, not a dream one."

"Yes, yes my dear. You will find him. He is out there, waiting for you."

"Where? I want to meet him." Excitement, joy and sheer innocence were evident in Al's voice.

"Are you not impatient. Why, you have taken after your mother in more ways than I thought."

Young Al was, indeed, impatient. "Where is my prince, daddy?", she demanded again.

Her father seemed to wake up from the thought he had fallen into. "Ah! Your prince. He waits upon you, dear, to take you to his castle.

" Then why doesn't he comes?" A note of disappointment underlined Al's voice as she spoke further. "What is he waiting for? Has he got another princess? Am I not pretty enough?" A tear fell from Al's eye.

"No,no my dear. You are by far the fairest maiden ever born. And he hasn't got another princess. But he must wait, dear. He must wait till you are of age to take you with him to his castle on his white horse." Clouds of confusion shadowed Al's eyes. Seeing this, her father carried on.

"He must wait to be with you till you become old enough to take care of your crown."

"Crown?" All confusion and gloom that had been present disappeared at once, joy finding its way back in her eyes.

"Yes, crown. Oh, how this wait pains him. He'd rather take you to his kingdom now. It kills him to wait. But until then, he takes joy in meeting you in your dreams." Little Al's lips curved upwards in a smile. Seeing his daughter smile made the old man grin too.

"Now go to sleep, princess. Lest you keep waiting him for too long." He kissed the top of Al's head and slowly rose up from the stool he occupied. After tucking the girl safely inside the blanket, he quietly made his way to the door, switched the lights off and left the room.

Left alone in the dark, Al cheerfully whispered to herself, "My prince will come." With these words, she fell asleep.

She looked down to see a frenzy of activities happening. She saw her mother talking to her aunt, her brother checking the flower arrangements, her friends hanging near the bar area. Her eyes then spotted a bald, ageing man amidst all the hub- hub going on downstairs. The aforesaid man looked up to meet her gaze and smiled. She smiled back, then stood up and made her way inside, towards her room.

"And you? Do you accept him for better or for worse?" "My prince will come." She spoke with the same glee she had spoken years ago. "I do."

A thunder of claps erupted. Friends, family and relatives cheered. All were happy, for Al had finally found her prince. The man who had previously smiled at Al now watched all this with a lumped throat. Words could not describe how joyous Mr. Hudson felt then for his daughter.

"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

A single tear escaped his eye, as he watched his princess become a queen.

Comments

Points: 373
Reviews: 32

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Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:24 pm

ShadowHunter wrote a review...

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was heartfelt and heartwarming. I only have a few nitpicks about some of the sentences and the flow of the story.

"Lest you keep waiting him for too long." I wasn't sure if this was how the sentence was supposed to be written or if it was supposed to be written like this "Lest you keep him waiting for too long.

The only other complaint I have is the progression from Al standing on the balcony and her wedding, it felt just a tad bit rushed. If you could possibly put something in between to let the reader know that time is passing, that would be tons of help.

I really liked your story and I can't wait to read another one! Keep writing and keep imagining!

Points: 1193
Reviews: 262

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 5:21 pm

ultraviolet wrote a review...

Hey there, TheSybarite!

First of all, I want to say that this is a really cute little piece! I really liked some of your descriptions and some of the ways that you worded things.

The lawn itself was decorated beautifully in tulips and roses, as if in serious competition with the diamond- clad, well- heeled ladies who filled its ground.

For some reason that description stood out in particular. I thought that the phrasing really set the tone for the piece, and it raised my expectations tremendously. So well done.

As for the actual story, I felt like the beginning was a bit misleading. Because you said things like "figure sitting aloof," and "locked from the inside," and "staring at nothing in particular," I got the impression that Alicia wasn't happy. I had been wondering if maybe her prince charming was marrying someone else, and she was sadly watching from behind the scenes? Once I got to the end, I realized this wasn't the case, but I feel you could add more clarity to the emotions at the beginning.

Another way I think you could solidify the tone is through the dialogue in the flashback. The thing about your writing is that it walks the line between sophisticated and patronizing. I know you were going for that magic-in-the-air, old-time-fairytale type of conversation, but at times it felt forced. It also caused me to wonder if the story was set in the 1800s, or something like that.

No,no my dear. You are by far the fairest maiden ever born. And he hasn't got another princess. But he must wait, dear. He must wait till you are of age to take you with him to his castle on his white horse.

Can you see how this is a bit wordy and stuffy? Most people don't really talk this way anymore, even when they are talking about fairy tales. I think that if you cleaned up the dialogue a little bit and made it slightly more modern, your story would be so much stronger. Right now you have a good base, but with a little editing you could really add life to it.

One last thing, too. At times, you call the girl "Al." Call me old fashioned, but it bothered me because when I think of the name "Al," I think of middle aged men who own diners and wear wife beaters. That's probably very closed minded of me, but writers need to think about the connotations that words may have to their readers. And this could just be a personal connection for me, but you may want to think about that. Maybe ask some other people what they thought about it.

Okay, so overall, I think this story is really sweet, and a nice, light read. The things I mentioned are pretty minor. If you make any changes, I'd love to look at it again.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me or write on my wall.

Most, importantly, keep writing.

- ultraviolet

Points: 5211
Reviews: 184

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Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:27 pm

veeren wrote a review...

Yo! First off, a late welcome to YWS for you.
And second, it's been a while since I've been in the reviewing spirit, so bear with me.

For the formatting, no one likes reading a big block of text. For the most part, you avoid that, but it's just way too prevalent in the second paragraph/block. Try separating bits of dialogue into lines of their own. It's very good that you put the memory in italics, some authors make a new chapter for it if it's long enough, but kudos for that. Also, back to dialogue, don't put two people speaking into the same line. It gets confusing and is very easy to avoid.

Now on to nitpicks.

Spoiler! :

Two things. First, it should be on to the Hudson...
And second, there isn't a space after the period, which is quite annoying.

Spoiler! :

Change was radiating to radiated.

Spoiler! :

No space after the dash.
You actually do this quite a bit later on as well.

Spoiler! :

With, not in.

Spoiler! :

This is phrased awkwardly, try yet staring at nothing in particular.

Spoiler! :

Did you mean to say twenty-one?

As for the memory, just remember what I said about formatting. There isn't much you can change with dialogue, as it is a form of speech and a character may speak any way they like. It's all up to the writer.

Spoiler! :

Semi-colons aren't used to list things. They can, however, lead into a list. ie I needed to buy a few things; milk, water, and eggs.

Spoiler! :

This makes you sound like you're trying too hard. Just 'he' would work, as you noted he'd be the subject in your previous sentence.

Spoiler! :

There is no punctuation mark and that is quite annoying.

There rest is fine.
As for the idea of the story, it was perfectly fine. It could've been written better, but that can be said about any piece of literature

Otherwise, good work.
If you have any questions feel free to ask me.
Keep on writing

TheSybarite says...

Hey! Thanks for reviewing. I have corrected the mistakes you pointed out. Hope the piece looks better now. Thanks again.

Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

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Sun Jun 16, 2013 3:39 pm

Sins wrote a review...

Hey there, I'm here to review this little story you have here!

The June sun beamed down from a cloudless sky at the Hudson mansion lawn.

I personally believe that opening lines are very important as they can determine whether a person reads on, and while there's nothing wrong with this opening, I can't help feeling that it could be better. A weather description is a bit of a cliched opening to be honest, so I'd maybe consider trying something a bit different. It's up to you though, of course

The lawn itself was decorated beautifully in tulips and roses...

This is just personal taste really, but I think this would sound better as decorated beautifully with tulips and roses.

She sat staring at the sky, yet staring at nothing.

This technically makes no sense because if she's staring at the sky then she's obviously staring at something... I see what you're trying to say, but I'd suggest you reword it to say that she's perhaps not concentrating or something rather than staring at nothing.

"...and they lived happily ever after." "One more story, Daddy." "No my darling. It is late. You must go to sleep now." "Last one. Please." "Sweetie, if I kept you up this late, your mother would have me for breakfast tomorrow morning. Now, I do not make a tasty omelette, must I warn you." A chuckle found its way out of little Alicia's rosy pink mouth. "Good night." The girl's dark orbs, which have been gleaming with joy a moment ago, suddenly turned alert. "Mommy won't know. Just one more, please?" Little Al gave her dad the sweetest look she could muster as she grabbed a copy of 'Cindrella' from her nightstand and pushed it towards the latter. His eyes softened. "Tomorrow night, I promise." "But I want to find Prince Charming tonight." This time her dad laughed. "You want to find Prince Charming? My dear, then you must go to sleep. Your prince awaits you in your dreams." "But I want a real prince, not a dream one." "Yes, yes my dear. You will find him. He is out there, waiting for you." "Where? I want to meet him." Excitement, joy and sheer innocence were evident in Al's voice. "Are you not impatient. Why, you have taken after your mother in more ways than I thought." Young Al was, indeed, impatient. "Where is my prince, daddy?", she demanded again. Her father seemed to wake up from the thought he had fallen into. "Ah! You're prince. He waits upon you, dear, to take you to his castle." "Then why doesn't he comes?" A note of disappointment underlined Al's voice as she spoke further. "What is he waiting for? Has he got another princess? Am I not pretty enough?" A tear fell from Al's eye. "No,no my dear. You are by far the fairest maiden ever born. And he hasn't got another princess. But he must wait, dear. He must wait till you are of age to take you with him to his castle on his white horse." Clouds of confusion shadowed Al's eyes. Seeing this, her father carried on. "He must wait to be with you till you become old enough to take care of your crown." "Crown?" All confusion and gloom that had been present disappeared at once, joy finding its way back in her eyes. "Yes, crown. Oh, how this wait pains him. He'd rather take you to his kingdom now. It kills him to wait. But untill the, he takes joy in meeting you in your dreams." Little Al's lips curved upwards in a smile. Seeing his daughter smile made the old man grin too. "Now go to sleep, princess. Lest you keep waiting him for too long." He kissed the top of Al's head and slowly rose up from the stood he occupied. After tucking the girl safely inside the blanket, he quietly made his way to the door, switched the lights off and left the room.

This is a really daunting, big, chunky paragraph. I'd suggest you split it up a bit so that it's easier on the readers' eyes. It's also technically wrong because it's mainly dialogue, and with dialogue, every time someone new speaks you have to start a new line. I'll show you how this paragraph should look.

"...and they lived happily ever after."

"One more story, Daddy."

"No my darling. It is late. You must go to sleep now."

"Last one. Please."

"Sweetie, if I kept you up this late, your mother would have me for breakfast tomorrow morning. Now, I do not make a tasty omelette, must I warn you."

A chuckle found its way out of little Alicia's rosy pink mouth. "Good night." The girl's dark orbs, which have been gleaming with joy a moment ago, suddenly turned alert. "Mommy won't know. Just one more, please?"

Little Al gave her dad the sweetest look she could muster as she grabbed a copy of 'Cindrella' from her nightstand and pushed it towards the latter. ('towards the latter' doesn't make sense here, I'd consider rewording)

His eyes softened. "Tomorrow night, I promise."

"But I want to find Prince Charming tonight."

This time her dad laughed. "You want to find Prince Charming? My dear, then you must go to sleep. Your prince awaits you in your dreams."

"But I want a real prince, not a dream one."

"Yes, yes my dear. You will find him. He is out there, waiting for you."

"Where? I want to meet him." Excitement, joy and sheer innocence were evident in Al's voice.

"Are you not impatient. Why, you have taken after your mother in more ways than I thought." (You need a question mark after the first sentence, although I don't quite understand that sentence anyway. I mean, she is impatient... that's the idea. It seems like it should be something like: 'Well, aren't you impatient!')

Young Al was, indeed, impatient. "Where is my prince, daddy?," she demanded again.

Her father seemed to wake up from the thought he had fallen into. "Ah! You're prince. He waits upon you, dear, to take you to his castle." (You're should be your)

"Then why doesn't he comes?" A note of disappointment underlined Al's voice as she spoke further. "What is he waiting for? Has he got another princess? Am I not pretty enough?" A tear fell from Al's eye. (Why doesn't he come, not comes)

"No, no my dear. You are by far the fairest maiden ever born. And he hasn't got another princess. But he must wait, dear. He must wait till you are of age to take you with him to his castle on his white horse." Clouds of confusion shadowed Al's eyes. Seeing this, her father carried on. "He must wait to be with you till you become old enough to take care of your crown."

"Crown?" All confusion and gloom that had been present disappeared at once, joy finding its way back in her eyes.

"Yes, crown. Oh, how this wait pains him. He'd rather take you to his kingdom now. It kills him to wait. But untill the, he takes joy in meeting you in your dreams." Little Al's lips curved upwards in a smile. Seeing his daughter smile made the old man grin too. "Now go to sleep, princess. Lest you keep waiting him for too long." (You've got two l's in until in the third sentence when you only need one, and you've forgotten the n in then afterwards)

He kissed the top of Al's head and slowly rose up from the stood he occupied. After tucking the girl safely inside the blanket, he quietly made his way to the door, switched the lights off and left the room. (The first sentence here makes no sense, what do you mean 'the stood he occupied?' Do you maybe mean 'stance'?

Left alone in the ark, Al cheerfully wispered to herself, "My prince will come." With these words, she fell asleep. (You need a 'h' after the 'w' in 'whispered', and you don't need to capitalise 'my')

Do you see how that looks a lot cleaner and is generally easier on the eyes compared to the giant paragraph you had before? You do have some sort of idea of how to paragraph and use dialogue because you do it correctly at the end of the story, but you need to make sure you use it all the time rather than just in the parts that aren't memories. Memories need to be paragraphed correctly too! You can keep it in italics to make sure the readers know it is a memory, but you must also make sure to still use grammar and punctuation correctly.

She looked down to see a frenzy of activities happenning.

You only need one n in happening

Her eyes then spotted a bald, aging man amidst all the hub- hub going on downstairs.

Ageing not aging

"And you? Do you accept him for better or for worse?" "My prince will come." She spoke with the same glee she had spoken years ago. "I do."

It's unlikely whoever's marrying these two wouldn't just say him, they'd name the man. Alicia's dialogue also needs to be in a separate paragraph

A single tear escaped his eye, as he watched his princess become a queen.

Aw, I like this as a last line, it's nice

Overall

So I really like the idea of this story, and while it's simple and short, I think that's a good thing. A lot of writers can focus too much on making their stories complicated, and never take a break to write something a bit more simple, so it's a breath of fresh air to read this. Sometimes simplicity can work best! I also like the message of this story because it's rather cute, and it had a nice happy ending to a nice little story. There wasn't much room for character development or anything as it is short, but I do think you portrayed their emotions well and generally did a good job with that overall. So well done and good job!

As for critiques, I don't have bucket loads because this is a short piece, but there are one or two things I'd like to bring up. Firstly while I do love the simplicity of this story, I can't help feeling that some more detail would benefit it. It sort of feels like I'm scratching the surface of Alicia's life, but I'm not quite inside it... if that makes sense. I want to feel more involved, and feel like I know her better I guess. I'm half tempted or you to suggest showing us perhaps more than one memory of her and her dad so that we as readers can truly understand their bond, perhaps brief memories of her as she grows older to show her relationship with her dad progress and develop. You can still keep the current memory as the main, important one, but perhaps sprinkle some others around as well.

That's obviously just a suggestion and you may hate that idea, so it is completely up to you as this is your story. If you don't add more memories though, I would still suggest giving us readers more detail in general about Alicia and her life just so that we can feel more attached to Alicia and her father as they are the two most vital characters in this. The ending is already really sweet and nice, and I think that if you give us more information and background on Alicia throughout the rest of the story, the ending will be even more powerful.

On a similar note, I want to know about Alicia's new husband! The whole focus of this story is her finding her Prince Charming but when we found out she has found him, we don't actually know anything about him. I feel cheated! Don't get me wrong, I don't want to know his full name, age, height, weight, hair colour, eye colour, waist size, and shoe size... but I want to see what it is about him that makes him so special: what makes this specific man Alicia's long awaited Prince Charming? Obviously the focus here is the relationship between Alicia and her father, but a little information on the husband would be beneficial, I think.

Finally, your paragraphing and dialogue. I won't go into detail with this because I have explained it in my nit-picks, but it is definitely something you should work on. You use dialogue correctly at the very end of this by separating it from the prose itself, so that's good, but you need to use it correctly throughout! Basically, whenever you use dialogue you have to place it on a new line in a new paragraph along with its dialogue tag if it has one. When a new person speaks, you also have to start a new line in a new paragraph. I can't really explain it any more simply than that, so I hope that makes sense!

Negatives aside, I do honestly think this is a really sweet story and with some tweaks here and there, it could be really pretty great. Let me know if you have any questions or comments regarding this review because I'll be happy to clear anything up if necessary.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

TheSybarite says...

Firstly, thanks for the review. The mistakes you pointed out have been taken care of. Honestly, I need to do a spell check of my work before I post it. I mean 'happenning', 'wispered', 'you're'. I am so embarrassed! I guess I'll have to think a little bit on how to get the readers connect to Alicia more. Thanks for your suggestions!

TheSybarite says...

Points: 5391
Reviews: 114

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Sun Jun 16, 2013 12:52 pm

Priceless says...

Hello there!
This was very beautifully done. I found it so eloquent, lovely language and the sentences flowed so well. Awesome job, really! Give yourself a pat on the back. A review can't be flowery praise though, so let me *try* to pick out any places where it was less than perfect.

"Joy and happiness was radiating from all parts of the lawn."

I feel it would be better to say "Joy and happiness radiated from all parts of the lawn."

I think you should have broken up the flashback into paragraphs and sentences, giving each speaker their own line of dialogue, because just like this, it's a bit difficult to read.

Hope I helped!

TheSybarite says...

Aw..thank you so much!
As for the nitpicks, all's been taken care of.
Thanks once again..

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White Veil

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