Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey, there I'm gonna review!
So, usually I go stanza to stanza, but since you have no stanza's (which is fine). I'll make them! (And you can use them for revisions if you want)
"They call me a Slut.
Worth what?
Nothing." -- I think this would be the first stanza.
"They attack when I do,
They pry when I don't.
They call me a whore.
Forever more.
Always." -- And this would be the second one. I made an edit because I don't think you need the "always" neither do I think it words with your rhyme scheme."I laid in the grass
felt the breeze on my face,
and for this I've been branded
my own disgrace." -- This would be the third one.
"He lay beside
sme,warm,
on his own." -- Personally I don't think you need to say "warm" or rather, I don't understand why warm fits in there.
"Two lost souls, searching for home.
Lie there we did,
and looked at the sky,
and for this
they call me Slut
and I wonder why." -- So this is interesting, there seems to be a misunderstanding.
So, overall, I thought this was interesting. I just think you need some formatting work is all. The reason why I decided to review this despite the warning of the name is because I wanted to know if it was a poem like this. If it was about a certain conspiracy, because while I have firm beliefs in how I live my life, I know some people are judged way too quickly and for those reasons they are shunned or looked down upon. I don't agree with this. So while this leaves questions in my head, I am thinking she was misjudged. Is that what you meant?
Yes she was misjudged for being friends with a boy and pretty much just laying in the grass with him
Hello there!
This was a beautifully constructed poem that shines light on a somewhat controversial topic in a bitter sweet way. Your word choices beautifully contrast each other between the parts where you express your character's turmoil, and where she describes her experience with the male counterpart which reflects a notion that although sex is popularly considered a dirty or immoral act, it can in fact be something of beauty.
Well done, and keep writing.
-Jon
Hey Dasia!
I'm not much of a poetry person, but this poem was fantastic.
A very common, intriguing topic and you shine a good light on it.
You use good imagery and there are several lines which are excellent, only falling a bit in style towards the end.
I don't particulary feel the person is vulnurable, but rather strong. Which I find better.
Love for you got "Forever more" in there.
Cheers.
Birkhoff
Hey!
So - I liked the first 3 lines, then "They attack when I do,/They pry when I don't." seemed out of nowhere to me. It makes sense, and it's good, just not where you put it.
"Forever more" tried too hard to rhyme with "They call me a whore", or at least that was my perception.
Comma after "grass". Then period after "face". Start the next line with "For". Try it.
The rest is quite alright.
Overall, I liked it.
BLAH! My name is Jay!
*Bows at imaginary audience*
*Waves like a queen at the fake audience*
Okay well, what caught my attention was the title of your poem. I have a deep liking for stories/poems/books that deal with this sort of stuff. I like weird and insecure stuff.
Now to review this poem, the idea was written to bring the cause and effect of the word "Slut." now I feel like you should bring that side out, I want the person to feel vulnerable when that word is used against her. Give her maybe a bit more emotion even if it is a poem. Second who are "they" now I've done this before, when turning a paper in for my Honors English class we did a paper on a part in our life and I did mine on bullying and well I used the term "they" as the bullies but it wasn't clear enough, it was very vague, and ambiguous. Now you should possibly specify who it is that "they" are, even if it's the voices in her head or the cheerleaders that are jealous because she's happy, I don't know but don't leave me (the reader) in the dark. Now I feel like I'm being a hypocrite because I still do this. *facepalms* And well just idk fix it maybe. For the both of us!
But hey, this poem was good. I liked it and thought it was well explained even though there are some minor problems gnawing at me. But nonetheless it was good, so smile, it keeps the demons away!
Kk BYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! And keep writing, I liked this!
-Jay.xoxo.
Hi there, dasiamari.
I like your ideas and the way you frame your piece. It has a nice feel to it. It feels sharp, like the way I would feel if I was in your situation.
That being said, I think it still needs a little work.
The rhymes seem a little forced at times. If I were you, I'd take out the rhymes completely so you can use more vivid words. Some of the lines feel tacked on to fit into a rhyme scheme, anyway. I'd look at your poem and take out all the unneeded words and lines. Less is more when writing poetry (I'll get into the specifics in just a minute).
Now for the specific details.
Two things about this line:
-You need to define "they." I know, I know, it's people in general, or people in your school. But "they" is vague and easily replaced by "people."
-later in the poem, you don't use "a" in front of "Slut." You need to have parallels within the poem. Either say "a Slut" or "Slut," not both.
Do what? Don't do what? These lines are really vague. Be specific.
I don't see any purpose in these lines except to make the rhyme scheme. I would take them out if I were you. Don't let your want to rhyme dictate how you write.
I think you need a bit more imagery here. I don't know if it's day or night, and that really does matter in this situation. And I don't know where this outside is. That's important, too. If it was on the fourth of July, at summer camp, or just as summer is ending. Or not even in summer. Another thing is that I don't think you need "on my face." You feeling the breeze with the rest of your body is enough. Also, I think you need to say "in disgrace" instead. It would make more sense.
-"besides" should be "beside"
I actually like the rhyme here. It has a nice meter. I think you should say something to the effect of "together but apart" because the narrator and the boy do seem close, but not in the way that the others say they are. Also, I think it would be interesting if the two lost souls were searching for home in something. A home in the other, a home in the stars, a home in the clouds (the last two would show us that they're looking at the sky), it doesn't matter. What are they searching for home in?
The first line is redundant, and if you show earlier that they're looking at the sky, the second line isn't needed either.
An overall note:
I'd like to see more similes and metaphors in this piece. It's a way for you to support your ideas with images and make the poem more spicy, like good chili. Right now, the chili is a bit bland. Spice it up so it creeps up on you in the back of your throat with a slow burn.
Altogether, I like the style in which this is written and the way you framed it. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!