You took apart every bit of my soul
And you rearranged them so nicely
Like a poem
That you loved to read back to me
With your lips pressed to my forehead,
Spelling out the lines.
Then you left.
I began to unravel in rhymes and riddles
That my mother couldn't understand
And the lines of my soul slipped away.
Then there was someone else...
He didn't rewrite my soul
To make it beautiful like you did.
He picked it up and wove it back together,
And made it tell its own poem through slips
and cracks in the wall and flowers
Pressed between the pages of my favourite books.
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139,867 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
perfect work
Thanks ^~^
Hello Retro here. (side note this is the review for my fifth star so merci!)
I really like this poem, I think you have beautiful imagery and ideas. I'll do a few nitpicks then talk about what i liked about it
I feel as though the poem could do with a bit more punctuation. Maybe a semi colon or two just to give it a bit more of a constant pace
'in the wall'
I'm not a 100% sure what you mean by the wall. I think maybe you could change it to a different imagery, say if it is about the soul, you could say fabric and I think it would have much more poignant meaning.
'I begin to unravel in rhymes and riddles'
I think here it needs to be began, rather than begin
On to what I liked. Well I loved the imagery. I loved the idea of the soul being a tangible thing which can be rearranged. I think this extended metaphor is beautifully done so Kudos. I also loved how you made the first idea, of it being made beautiful, the lesser of the two. I think that was clever and unexpected so again, Kudos. I especially love the last line. I have a thing about last lines in poems. I think they should be the ultimate crux of a story and bring it to a successful close and I thing yours does. The idea of it being favorite books is beautifully written and I think it is perfect.
Well done,
keep it up!
~Retro
Thanks c:
Wow that's awesome, I loved the way it flows it Has so much meaning into this poem
Wow I love this it. It has so much feeling and meaning behind it, you can tell in the words and ways you have described it. wtg!
By the Nine Realms, this is awesome.
just. Agh.
Give me a sec while I calm myself down.
Okay. to the actual review. I absolutely love how you describe a relationship using that analogy-- the first one rearranging a soul so it could become beautiful, the second simply fixing it and letting it become beautiful on its own. Brilliant.
then there's that part in the middle. "I begin to unravel..."- "...slipped away."
Normally I would say you're pushing the analogy, but I won't. Because you're not. The metaphor fits. But I was quite dislodged when 'mother' popped out of nowhere. Even then, the transition is smooth and it's a very pretty gradation.
Ooh. Also, good job on the arrangement. Some people would either try and force a sentence into a line or make unnecessary line breaks. I think the way you split the lines makes it a better read and sort of divides the force of the poem over an even area (forgive my physics reference). There's also a somewhat vague rhythm here and I love it.
I can't find anything I didn't like about this piece.
Kudos
Elle.
Thanks!