WILLOW
The wind whispered secrets
to all the lovely trees
blowing through there leaves
and nudging the trunks.
He talked to every single
tree none was left forgotten
except the tiny Willow tree
not yet grown tall.
The Willow cried onto the
ground soaking her dry roots
not only did she grow that
day she started something else.
Her tears flowed straight
and drilled a line into the hard dry
dirt. A stream now flows
lovely and free.
Rambling to the Willow.
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sorry if you see this post twice
Love it! However in the stanza
"The Willow cried onto the
ground soaking her dry roots
not only did she grow that
day she started something else."
I Think it might flow better if you wrote it like this:
"The Willow cried onto the ground
soaking her dry roots
not only did she grow that day
she started something else."
Also in the first stanza were you say "he talcked to every single.."
and the say tree, I think it would be better if you just added tree to that line (or was that just a typo?)
Other than that kind of errors and what Audy said it was really good and well written. I enjoyed reading it
keep it up!
Love it! However in the stanza
"The Willow cried onto the
ground soaking her dry roots
not only did she grow that
day she started something else."
I Think it might flow better if you wrote it like this:
"The Willow cried onto the ground
soaking her dry roots
not only did she grow that day
she started something else."
Also in the first stanza were you say "he talcked to every single.."
and the say tree, I think it would be better if you just added tree to that line (or was that just a typo?)
Other than that kind of errors and what Audy said it was really good and well written. I enjoyed reading it
keep it up!
Dasiamari,
Overall this was a cute poem, enjoyable to read. I can see how it's classified as a child's poem, I'm loving some of these effects you have with words & sounds, and the imagery is nice - anything to do with willows, streams, and whispers leave me with a pleasing, calm sense afterward.
I do think it needs revising though especially in terms of flow & rhythm. Also, I think you're lacking some commas in some places.
I can pick up on the childlike tone, but the flow is off. That last line cuts abruptly compared to the rest. Try reading it aloud and see if you can spot any other places the flow might be off.
The verb "started" there seems weak. It doesn't tell me anything. What did she start?
I think this stanza is absolutely beautiful - though once again, the flow seems a bit off. Also, I have to question the choice of "rambling" here, as well. Rambling means to talk on and on and on, is this what you're trying to say? I might be left just a bit confused.
Other than these things, I think you did a great job with your subject matter and keeping the tone consistent. I know from my own experience that it's certainly is a lot harder than it seems. Keep writing
~ as always, Audy