For some life is life
For other life is sorrow
For me life is like animal
Sweet and soft for spring
Cold and mad for winter
Running around like fall
In heat like summer
But also like an animal is the death
there is always death
Just like life
The death of dreams
of pets
of family and frinds
But also like an animal is the happiness
there will always be happiness
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,870 Literary Works • 672,780 Reviews
Just realized something. Scrap the picture. That kid's not an animal.
Hey there, Hero here for your review. Now I'm not a real poet kind of guy so don't worry if I contradicted what made sense in your mind. Here we go...
First thing is, after just reading the poem, I think you could perhaps extend the first stanza and level your poem's stanza lines. Maybe 3 or 4. You could describe things from different perspectives of at least four and keep the thing you did at first, spacing your lines and your view.
The Stanzas:
The first stanza's good but lazily put, no offence since I couldn't do better. Whatever. My point is that you could have made it from four perspectives since there's fun for some, pain for others. While for others life is just life and then for you life is like... I'd recommend keeping the space though.
Third stanza with the seasons was great as well. I found nothing to pick at there. Though I'm not so sure to using the word 'animal'. It just brings up the image of a deer about to be run over. But since I can't think of anything else I guess it's fine.
And then with the death part, once again for things you get. Life, Love, Pain and Death? Then go on to narrate Death like you did.
Then end of with the happiness and attach this picture ( or a better one):
So final edit:
Please, don't take everything. There might be only two sentences to listen to in there. The poem was good anyway. Otherwise, I wouldn't be reviewing, would I?
First of all, I see you're new to YWS, so allow me to welcome you by showing you a picture of a piece of toast;
Now that that's out of the way, on to your piece.
This is a very cute little piece. It isn't too long, which I don't like much, but it doesn't have too much that it needs to say that isn't said simply and quickly. It also means it doesn't overstay its welcome. Also, I like the stanza you have about the seasons the best.
But there are two things I want to be changed in this.
For one, the line "For me life is like animal" is just a poor and unfortunate english error.
"For me life is like an animal" is what it needs to be.
Second, the second last stanza's second line is unfortunately short. I don't know what, but add on another word after pets. There's no reason that the line afterwards could have more nouns than the second, which is basically the same but with different subjects. Add another noun in there, and you're good.
Have a lucky day!