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139,870 Literary Works • 672,780 Reviews
Hiya dasia, here to review this piece~
Right so I think this has a really interesting message, and I guess something quite hard to talk about. All I really know about drugs is from what I see in the movies, so I'm a bit uneducated in the matter, however I still think this poem had a really strong message. Not necessarily to never do drugs, but more about the pain of it.
I'd like to see more about the hardness of being addicted to drugs. Here you seem to be talking about heroin which is extremely addictive and it really ruins people. So perhaps you could explain more about the adictiveness and how t ruins people's lives. I mean not only is it harmful for health, people end up losing a lot of valuable money buying it so maybe you could talk about that.
I personally wasn't too fond of the structure because it was a lot of start. stop. start. stop. I think this would actually work better if you let the lines run on longer a bit more, for example here-
Could look something like this:
Childish desire, as they beat on doors
begging "Please,
just one more."
Another hours worth
of pain
that they mistake, for fun and games.
Or something of the sort, just so every line has more than one word on it.
Overall, this was a really cool poem with a good quite thought-provoking message. I also thought the imagery in this was really good. Improvements would be to talk more about the different aspects of drug-abuse, and take a second look at the structure (not as important). Well I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep on writing!
-Arc x
Hey Dasiamari,
Great poem. So real. Okay, I noticed how you switched on and off with punctuation. Rhyming was on and off as well.
They all cry
while inside
they slowly die.
There was rhyme there, but other places there wasn't any. Not going to take to long to do this. Just overall, you did an excellent job. Loved it mainly because it's sooooo true. Realistic. Loved it! Stay strong and keep writing.
-FCS
I know that this is an opinionated poem, but I absolutely love it! And totally agree with it
I thought that this was a great poem and a great read, like Blackie below me said, the rhyming was really wonderful and I like how you managed to end it with the title. That said though, I do not agree with Blackie about the stanza thing. And I am someone who really, really likes stanza's and thinks they are important, but I do realize that you wrote a very small poem here and there's no real need for a stanza here. But if you would like to put them into stanza's which I'd be fine with, I'd suggest you go like this:
Again up to you and this is just a suggestion, and I don't mind if you kept it the way it is, although it might be easier for some to read like that.
About the meaning behind it I thought it was great because I've heard of and seen some of a documentary about how there's this place in Canada where people can shoot up so that they don't do it on the streets by themselves. So I can relate and understand why you'd write something like, so for those who said that it isn't for all drugs, in the end, if you take too much of anything it can still hurt/kill you. So, everyone's entitled to their opinion. And I think you did a fabulous job at showing your opinion! I really liked it and I can't wait to read more of your work!
--Keep writing and dreaming!
THE RHYMING IS BRILLIANT GOOD JOB YOU. I feel like you need to make some stanzas just for the sake of breaking it up some so its easier to see where the rhymes and emphisi are places. If you just do a <p> every four lines it would be great and now I am talking in code by that I mean paragraph so yeah. I really like the final lines of this too they are really effective sorry for the quickness of this I am just in one of those moods you know... you know...
Fahrvergnügen.
I kind of agree with xXravenxX in that the poem would have been more effective if you had gone a little more into the 'blood and guts' of the matter but I also like that you didn't mention the name of the drug... Keeping it open ended makes it more interesting and the confusion it creates really adds a lot of flavour....
'Childish desire
as they beat on doors'
those were brilliant lines... it's just perfect... I got an image of one of those Dickensian novels where a child's standing out in the cold asking to be let in... no one can say no to that, right???
Personally I do know how a lot of it feels and what I hated most was that I really couldn't control myself during those phases... It really is a very Dante-limbo experience....
Childish desire
as they beat on doors
begging "Please,
just one more."
{a few} hours worth
of pain
that they mistake
for fun and games.
i think this poem is very touching, in a way. i like the way you talk about the drugs, and how thay slowly kill you, and give you pane, and how you say that we just keep it up... knowing that it will kill us. and how you say that thay see it as fun and games. you're really good!
Just keep it up!
Ok. First off I think this poems is strongly suggesting none of us need to do drugs. It seems like you are mostly directing this to the use of heroine, and I agree heroine will do no benefits for you at all. If you are trying to make it where kids ( or anyone for that matter ) shouldn't do heroine , I feel like you should have made a few more references to the drug. The only way people can take a guess of the drug being heroine is when you say , " Cold needles," . If people don't know you inject heroine with a needle , they would've been very confused about the meaning of this poem. They might think the drug is alcohol . So my only advise for the most part is make more references to the drug(s). Also the last line I feel like would have sounded better if you worded it like : Their own personal passage on the roads of hell , or their own burning ashes of hell. Other than this though great poem!