Snoink

Don't come here now for sunshine and warmth. Don't come here now for good cheer round the hearth.

A question before I respond to this poem: is this written for a story? :) It seems to be like one of those prophecy things, that's why I had to ...

When you first start out, you say, "I don't know why" about the brother's gun, so it seems random when he starts shooting people. Also, even though it's written in ...

This is a incredibly repetitious poem. It repeats the same idea again and again, slamming the message mercilessly in the reader's face. Try coming up with a specific event to ...

She was only 11 years old when he found her Her youth showed in her eyes

First time. Lead by a hand, through a door. Sh-sh-shaking, so nervous, nails nibbled raw. Mind racing, heart pounding.

Unwilling to leave, Yet unable to stay.

I think, if you actually chose a species of bird, this would automatically make the poem nicer and give a fuller depth of the poem. So choose a species of ...

Wait... what was this decision that made her disreputable to everyone? This is one of those poems that would be made really really interesting if you lived less out of ...

This poem seems to be just a bunch of fragmented ideas that are strung together in an illogical way. Try to organize the poem better... most of the lines can ...

Yay! Pickles! Welcome to YWS! :D In this poem, you put five million poems in one poem! Unfortunately, that makes it seem like it's only a little excerpt instead of ...

The ending with the drunk, mad father is... so cliched. And it doesn't make sense. I mean... *head explodes* 1) If her father is a mean drunk and such, and ...

Meh. 1) Your misspellings suck. I don't care whether this is written in the view of a four-year-old--not many parents would give a four-year-old a butter knife in the first ...

Haha, yes, plenty ironic. :P This poem is too rhyming. I realize that you're trying to achieve a sarcastic tone with the rhyme and wording, but it doesn't seem to ...

Hello and welcome to YWS! :D Remember to up your review count before posting your own stuff. ;) Here are my notes on your poem... hopefully they'll help you? I ...