My Brother Has A Gun

I thought this was really good. I don't know why people can read something and not like it, but still feel the need to review it just to say the same thing everyone else did. I like to read the poem or story and then glance through the responses of other people. From what I saw, not many liked it, but I did. Obviously, by the time I'm reading this, you fixed spelling and all that.. added punctuation, all the other complaints. So to me, it was really good.

Don't let anyone get you down.

Keep writing!

thankees to all!

This is undescribable. The brother must have been psycho. I could see the emotion. Well Done. Few grammar mistakes which I'm sure you can spot.

Haha. And I'll add one more! ^^

You've done some editing to your poem, as far as I can tell. (From the reviews I read.)
Well... You did a good job.

Telling the shooting from a child's perspective is not exactly an easy feat. The younger the child, the harder.

You can't describe it too much but then... Oh. I got a suggestion.
Since you're telling it from a child's perspective, why don't you describe the scene a little bit more? Just make it vague. Since a child does not really know how to describe things, you can describe it vaguely. And it'll be fine. ^^

Describing the scene allows the reader to imagine the scene easily.

Well, I'm not sure if that helped. Honestly.

Seeya!

-Max.

hmmmm....
so many reviews....
wow....

it's certainly contentious! look at how many reviews you've snagged!
my only real critisism is the repitition of 'my brother has a gun'.
it's good at the end when you change tense. I like that. But the other repitition detracts from the poem. Consider taking it out. I don't think the poem needs it.

please consider. I hope i haven't been totally useless!

best of luck with later stuff.
charlie.

THIS WAS THE BEST PIECE EVER.

You did everything correct.

Not a a single error.

Now you should write more.

Then you can become, a good, no GREAT writer.

TRUST ME,
MATT

well it is supposed tobe about the school shootings, but yeah i'm making a story now, so i hope everyone likes it

It reminds me of the school shootings. You seemed to use some words to frequently. Plus, it seemed kid of emtionless. But, it did leave people thinking although, I'm, not sure if that's a good thing. There seemed to a lot of unawsered questions like who were these people mocking your brother. Anyway, I thought it was okay could be better though.


Thething912

My first suggestion would be to get rid of the shooting. Sure, "My brother,/had a gun" is a great way to end the poem, but Snoik is right, it seems a bit random and out of place. I was really liking how you comment on the feelings of the child, of how it scares her, how she sees her brother drift away. I was thinking that maybe she was a girl growing up in a bad neighborhood, seeing her brother being caught up in the violence that you usually find in those.

There are some typos and such, like "want" instead of "won't".

OK, here's the deal. I love the idea and creativity behind the story but I'm not too sure about the way it's written. I think that it is a very good piece but I do believe that it needs, A: some revision and B: Spell check.

My brother has a gun,
want somebody listen?

I have made the story, it is in the other fiction part.
it is not qiute done yet.

Well, I think Incandescence was a little harsh, but he's half right. I'm no expert at poetry, but I will do my best:

Firstly, ask yourself what it is about this poem that you want to get across--what is your link with the reader? For example, love? Next, how are you going to convey this message? What is the story? Do you have one? Develop it. Now. Right, so you have a story, now, what is it about it that strikes you as a need for a poem?

If it is because poems are shorter and quicker to write, then stop right now. If it is because you have to tell this story for how it is, and not how it appears then ask yourself what similes you want, what comparisons to life and what emotions must be portrayed?

Now, right the poem.

I miss my brother,

I know I could have stopped him,

I should have told somebody.

I think this is good the way it is now. People just like different things. But, of course, try to make a story if you like!

It would grab my attention.

hum... alot of you say that my poem was great and then there are the ones who say it dragged, it didn't grab their attention, or something else like that well what if I said I would make it into a story? would that grab you attention? tell me if its a good idea to make it into a story, I want you guys to tell me if that would grab your attention!


oh and has anyone seen that bamagirl11 has put something about her tummy(weird) but oh well

I loved it. I liked you depth of thinking to write this poem. I also like the progression of the events. You didn't put everything in one shot. I also like how you put it in a little kid's perpsective. Since she doesn't know as much as a older person it gives off more of an effect, I think. I liked how you used two-lined stanzas. Some spelling errors though.

Wierd people pick on him now,

I'm to small all I can do is watch.

My brother has a gun,

he aimed it at the t.v. once.

Spelling and grammar are a big part of this. Make sure you double, triple, and quadruple check before you post something.

I found a couple errors which I will take care of now.

Wierd people pick on him now,

I'm to small all I can do is watch.

My brother has a gun, he aimed it at the TV once.

Hello!

I have to admit that I laughed when I was reading this. And it's a good thing. The story itself wasn't something to laugh at, but it was so simple and... I don't know, like you were explaining this to a bunch of little children (which we are, but still).

Weird isn't spelt wierd, wonder isn't spelt wander, too isn't spelt to, won't isn't spelt want. (if that's what you meant)

I know that this isn't maybe the elite of poems, but I kind of liked it, still. I just hope that you had humour in your mind when you wrote this, despite the story. If you didn't, well... I don't know what you could do anymore.

I don't know what to think anymore.


Demeter xx

I liked it. I am also, going to go against the flock to say: I think that your use of structure and stanza were very clever. The narration is from a small child it seems, and the simplicity reflects this.
Wel done

~Kris~

moon14 wrote:My brother has a gun,
I saw myself.

He isn't fun anymore,
he doesn't sleep.

Wierd people pick on him now,
I'm to small all I can do is watch.

My brother has a gun,
he aimed it at the t.v. once.

It makes me wander,
does he know how?

Does he know how to shoot the gun,
will he shoot the gun?

My brother has a gun,
I try to stay away from him now.

I can't look at him in the eyes,
they aren't bright and filled with fun.

Only dark with hatred,
or clouded with confusion.

One day I heard him say,
he was going to use the gun.

My brother has a gun,
want somebody listen?

He took it to school today,
his face was emotionless.

I heard screaming outside,
then came the gunshots.

It was over,
I knew I would never see him again.

My brother has a gun,
he shot sixteen people.

He shot himself to,
I had to watch him do it.

I miss my brother,
I know I could have stopped him,
I should have told somebody.

My brother,
had a gun.

hey guys thanks for commenting on this!
i finally got a chance to edit the problems and make it longer!!
hope you like this and please if it needs something more tell me!!!

i really enjoyed reading this

it was beautiful!!

Wow. This kind of makes you feel weird when you read it, but in a good way. I have a sibling too, and to imagine him or her doing something like this is crazy.
Anyway, this poem gives us an insight on what it would be like to be the sister or brother of one of those high school shooting guys that have been popping up lately.
Thanks for writing this.

Mmm, if only - I think Brad takes those honours, myself.

you can't spell worth beans

Hmm.

You have a mix of responses here, don't you? Unfortuately you have to realise that the people who are complimenting you really don't know what they're talking about. But hey, we learn to expect that.

The problem with this (the main one, at any rate) it that it ignores anything that might make it poetic. Language, rhythm, meter: you've just thrown words down on a page without thinking about any of these. Yes, you've got a spirited idea, but this simply isn't poetry. Beautiful and moving? I'm afraid not.

WOW. This was really good.
Spelling.....
I know everyone has said that but yeah.
I loved it though.
It was kind of scary and really intense.
)))

this was beautiful

i loved this but the spelling does need fixing

moon14,


This is truly dreadful. Poetry has a vast arsenal of techniques within reach, and yet your attempt only exhibits the ability to hit the enter key (and the ever-promising misspellings) at the most awkward and unfortunate points.

The much more troubling problem, though, is that this could have been written by a six year old. You need to either seriously re-evaluate what you think poetry is--this includes reading poets such as, say, Zapruder, Pinsky, Kooser, as well as some classics, etc.--or moving to another form altogether (fiction, perhaps).


Best,
Brad

To go against the fold, I really enjoyed this. I believe the short length contributed to the story. The only thing I had a problem with was the spelling, but that can be easily fixed.

I gotta say, I do NOT like this. The rhythm and the phrasing and the sensory is basically nonexistant, and you are just leaning on the emotionality of it all, leaving it totally blank.

This needs lots of revisions before it because a good poem.

It souns really panicked and hurried trough the story. You need to lengthen it and add more details or it doesn't sound very poetic. Nice idea though. 0(o.o)0.

When you first start out, you say, "I don't know why" about the brother's gun, so it seems random when he starts shooting people. Also, even though it's written in a largely straightforward manner, it's slightly boring. I would like to see more character development with the brother and, through his actions BEFORE he started killing everyone, see what was going on in his mind. That would make the brothers sound more realistic.

Still, interesting idea. Describe the characters more, and it should be better. ^^

This is kinda cool, but I couldn't feel a rythem to you words. Most all poems need rythem, and it wasn't there. Though, the intent behind your words were great.

Spelling would be nice, first of all.

that's really good, left me speachless, staring at the screen and wondering when I'll faint. The poem is very simple, but I do like it. Dramatic. I liked it.
Sorry for the sucky review. Guess it was no help at all. Sorry.

My brother has a gun
I don't know why
He sais its for protection
I know he is lieing
I went to school one morning
Thinking it was a regular day
Then there was screaming
Then a gun shot
I could hear nothing
On the outside of my classroom
He shot sixteen people that day
My brother has a gun

Yes, the spelling is an issue... Hmmm what can I say?

The language in this poem just doesn't do a thing for me. There's a way to use simple language like this and make it work in poetry, but you just didn't accomplish that here. I've said this before to other people and I'll say it here: really good poetry requires a really good understanding of language. You need to find ways to make words work for you. What words paint an image in your mind? What words slap you across the face? What words are silly, boring, inviting, expressive, etc? You just need to experiment a little and observe how words are used. It will help you to do some reading, and by reading I mean from all kinds of authors. Read some Shakespeare, then something more modern. Just read, read, read. Then when you feel like you know how you can adequately get your message across with language, have another go. Right now with what you've given me I feel no sort of emotion, and this has no lasting impact on me at all. I'm sure with an idea of this magnitude that's what you want to go for. Don't give up, but just think about it next time before you try again. Good luck!

This is the sort of thing you find in those annoying chain emails--you know, the ones where the sender wants to look like he or she cares about an issue, but rarely actually does anything more effective than send pointless chains along to unsuspecting friends and family?

I'm not going to beat the you-can't-spell-worth-beans thing to death, but, um... you can't spell worth beans.

Better luck in future endeavours.

This definitely shows promise.

Most of this consists of bland statements that only skim the emotional surface of the issue at heart. Your was/were expressions, such as:

"Then there was screaming"

could be made much more evocative by turning them around. Make them active. So for the above example, you could try:

"I heard the screams pierce the air,
the shots ringing in my ears"

See how the revision is more direct and pulls you right to the action? The first statement TELLS the reader what is happening, states it; the second SHOWS it.

You could also improve your spelling and punctuation, although this can be easily sorted out. Good start anyway. Keep writing! 6/10

Oof, I have to say, I found this hard to deal with.

It wasn't really a poem, of sorts, and you really only structured it like you were telling someone instead of showing them. Also, the lack of punctuation totally threw me off balance, because it kind of made me rush through the poem without taking a breath!

You need to re-structure some lines through the poem to give it a more poetical view and also to make it flow. Such as the line; "I know he is lieing." This includes a typo, it should be lying. Also, I thought the poem was going well up until this point. The first three lines aren't that bad, ignoring the typo of "said".

You have a good idea, it just needs some tweaking.
Ginge.

Hmmm...I'm not sure I really liked this, but I think probably with some revision it could be quite good.

At the moment it just seemed to lack feeling. And don't forget to check your spelling. Unless the spelling mistakes are supposed to be deliberate. They didn't seem to be like they were, and it made it look very clumsy.

It's 'says' and 'lying'.

With something as violent and shocking as a shooting as your subject, perhaps you could weave in some imagery that will convey that?

This was amazing...it was short but amazing. I'm speechless...wow!!
Keep up the good work