Young Writers Society

very good and very self- explanitory as you said i knew exactly what you were talking about because of the way your poem was wrote!

Cool! Yeah, as everyone has said, it feels like it's something true, like you know what you're talking about. It's very simple and sweet, yet you get all the feleings quiter clearly. I liked how you did "sh-sh-shaking." Lovely! Keep writing!

~Yoyo

I like your use of enjambment, I think it worked really well with your theme.
I'd cut the comma between "door" and "hand." Maybe try "Led by a hand through a door."

I love "sh-sh-shaking." It's really great.

I'm not sure about "nails nibbled raw," because nails can't be raw. Maybe try "finger-tips nibbled raw." or look for a more original way to express nervousness. Do you have any other little thing that you do when nervous?

I agree that "mind racing, heart pounding" is cliche, so I'd try thinking of something more fresh.

I like "kiss chapped lips."

I'd cut;
"Scared.
Excitement, embarrassment.
Awkward, but so sweet."
You don't need it. Try showing rather than telling.

I'd cut "Oh how I love him" as it's a weak ending. Maybe try saying this differently, or by merely suggesting it, or maybe try a different ending altogether.

Hope this helps.

Jas

I think that you should have made it longer. I didn't really have a good ending. It just kind of stopped, you know?
Maybe try something like this:

His hair swayed on though there was no wind,
and his smile made me squint until I dropped to the ground.
He gave me a wink,
then I flushed an amber red
His eyes were like heaven,
almost making me want to die so I could watch them all day.
If only I could reach him and touch his body,
but I can't.
And then it hit me...
I was only dreaming.

And then, because of the last sentence, you could rename the poem to "A Dream".
But this is only an example of what else you could do for the end.
Shanan-cat!

the way i wrote it was not to describe anything, i wanted people to read it and use they're own thoughts to undersatnd the poem, i didn't want to give up the whole story of this girl, i didn't want to write it so that you know exactly what was going on, you had to fill in the balnks. Thanks for the help i.ll try to fix it up a bit without changing it to much.

T

First time.
Lead by a hand, through a door.
Sh-sh-shaking, so nervous,
nails nibbled raw.
Mind racing, heart pounding. <--- cliched images, pick something more interesting.
I shiver, never felt so naked. <--- "never felt so naked" sounds awkward because it's not concise.
Blush painted cheeks
Note: avoid eye contact.
Kiss chapped lips.
Scared.
Excitement, embarrassment. <--- Doesn't describe anything.
Awkward, but so sweet. <---Doesn't describe anything.
Ignoring the consequences.
His voice, every thing will be OK.
My eyes feel dry, my voice is gone.
First time.
Oh how I love him. <--- This line can be phrased better.

For the ones that say, "doesn't describe," that means you're just listing a bunch of nouns and adjectives that really don't give the poem any substance. Clear those out and come up with some concrete images.

Some good stuff in here!

Please review

Hi T.
Wow, this is one of your better poems. I like this better then mixed singles. It was so sweet and I know it wasn't based on a true story, but it could've been from the way you wrote it. I think it is probably what a girl feels for her first time.

My favorite line had to be:

First time.
Lead by a hand, through a door.
Sh-sh-shaking, so nervous,
nails nibbled raw.
Mind racing, heart pounding.
I shiver, never felt so naked.
Blush painted cheeks
Note: avoid eye contact.
Kiss chapped lips.
Scared.
Excitement, embarrassment.
Awkward, but so sweet.
Ignoring the consequences.
His voice, every thing will be OK.
My eyes feel dry, my voice is gone.
First time.
Oh how I love him.

Very subtle. I like how you don't come right out and say what you're talking about, but it shows through the feelings you portray in the words and almost frantic way they are read. It has great voice and seems to be true I'm sure. I wouldn't know of course. I don't do men, haha. But I really liked it. I couldn't give you any advice on it. I just wanted to tell you that I think highly of it.