Fand

*Snorts.* Amusing, and I know just the sort of person you're talking about. Of note, though: "arterys" should be "arteries."

Jack picked out my only nitpick. This is a really gorgeous poem, whence, in your typical dark and dense style--other than S2, it's perfect. You're quickly becoming my favorite poet ...

I agree with what's been said before: bulk it up a bit and add a few more levels, and knowing your skill with words, you'll have a minor masterpiece on ...

Actually, I think the tense shift works here. It's as if someone who had been observing them was relating what they had been doing, and then what they are doing ...

Well. It's an improvement. Still cliched, because you're still working from a cliched base idea. Admittedly, the cliches are more creatively worded and better--altogether, a step up, but still a ...

*Cough navelgazing cough.* This is tripe. You've misspelled simple words like "impossible," and the whole thing is a ridiculous ego-trip. This should be a diary entry, not a poem. Scrap ...

Aww, SD! Think of it as tough love. ;) And this is much better! Now for that closer look I promised, da? Hm. S1! There's no need for a comma ...

It should be "until," first of all--one "l" only--and I agree with everything that Snoink and WM said. Scrap it.

Gorgeous, Fabien. I think this poem is you at your best. I second everything catharsis and miyaviloves said!

I love poetry written by kids... it's always so cute! :lol:

I d'no if I can agree with Chandni on this one; your rhymes did feel rather forced to me, especially the "curb/Serb" one. I will agree that the ending was ...

Meh. Your images were solid, but the rhyme scheme really didn't do anything for me, and your structure (i.e., linebreaks and the like) is odd. Better luck next time?

I agree with everything whence said. It's whimsical and fun, but doesn't have much real value. Cute. :)

Goose and sworddance stole all my comments! Lol. I guess all I can say is: watch your paragraph breaks, congratulations on a minimum of grammatical/spelling errors, and write more soon, ...

Again. Plagiarism is not tolerated at YWS. *Reported*