I d'no if I can agree with Chandni on this one; your rhymes did feel rather forced to me, especially the "curb/Serb" one. I will agree that the ending was amusing, though. ^_^ I certainly didn't see it coming! Lol.
z
I was walking down the city streets
on a smelly, drawling Christmas Eve.
Through lust and loss I suffered the last year
and uncovered my greatest, most potent fear.
I'm afraid of change.
Yes, that's quite a range.
But missed opportunities are my forte,
a little wall in my mind called worry.
So the greatest thing I did see,
on my walk on this mucky, dusty eve
was a hovering trailer on the curb
with a family looking most likely Serb.
A man on a ladder spoke foreign tongues
as he ascended the gleaming metal rungs.
My inattention was my fall
as my walking slowed down to a loll.
But no matter my instance or my pace,
the trailer door bashed in my face.
I fell to the ground, clutched my nose
seeing stars and smelling rose.
I learned importantly on that eve
that opened doors can cause much grief.
I d'no if I can agree with Chandni on this one; your rhymes did feel rather forced to me, especially the "curb/Serb" one. I will agree that the ending was amusing, though. ^_^ I certainly didn't see it coming! Lol.
Eh. Your rhymes were a stretch...
But the ending was the shiz.
Quite humorous, I rather enjoyed it.
That was highly enjoyable
Serious yet there seems to be a slight touch of humor in there as well.
I liked your rhyming it wasn't forced at all. Although some words rhymed, shall we say, pretty "weak".
In your first stanza for example, streets and eves rhyme weakly. Also see and eve, don't quite roll nicely over my tongue.
Well that's all I have to say.
Cheerios, Chandni
Points: 1144
Reviews: 381
Donate