Published April 8, 2007
We stood to see
what lay beyond the ridge,
as if we all thought
the world would be abruptly cut off,
and whatever went further,
just fell into nothing.
We all knew that the stars
lay in heaven, and each parting soul
filled the darkness
with infinite twilight.
Maybe when I die
I'll find a spot in Capricorn
with the heroes of Old,
hoping one day that my accomplishments
will mirror even the most
minor & lesser of our great heroes.
Almost there,
just thirty more feet.
"I'm afraid,"
admitted the quiet voice behind me,
"maybe we should . . ."
"No," I said, "we go on."
I hear the loud crunch
of rocks and dead vegetation
follow meekly behind me.
Can it be, that all this fear
of the great unknown,
of falling off the edge of the earth,
simply be to just strike fear
in the hearts of children?
Could it be that these skeletal frames
from afar be the home of the gods,
long left behind, forgotten,
to fade away into the twilight
of the heavens?
If this ridge isn't the end of the world,
then does it end?
And if it does, when?
Maybe beyond the great winters,
but if that was the case,
how do these winters seem to
never run out?
"What are those?"
Stammered an exasperated voice
behind me.
"The homes of forgotten gods."
I replied, as if it were all that simple.
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141,462 Literary Works • 674,479 Reviews
Gorgeous, Fabien. I think this poem is you at your best. I second everything catharsis and miyaviloves said!
...I love this. Absolutely love it. Don't change a word, please, Fabien. The narrative in poem form is a hard thing to pull off, but this is done beautifully. One of the best poems I've ever read period, not just here on YWS. And I'll agree with miyaviloves; it's deceptively heartwrenching, and inexplicably so.
I never liked long poetry... I'm too impatient ^_^ Although Pale Fire is long, but that's Nabokov, he gets away with it.
I don't like the dots there. They don't work. It's the fact that you cut the whole word up, most people do "wh...what" etc. or they use —, or cut it all together since you have 'stammered' in the dialog tag.I enjoyed it, though I felt more like I was reading a story in verse than a poem. I'm biased though, to me poems have to make me feel something or think about something, they have to reflect back on life, and this didn't do that for me.
Of course, I couldn't entirely grasp what it was about, either. I gathered the climbing of somewhere, and I really loved the reference to god's of old. Made me think of Greek/Roman gods.
It wasn't bad but it just didn't do anything for me. I did like it though, but like I said it gave off a story, and not poem, feeling. I'm not sure how you could improve on this (It's topic is a bit off key for something that you would plug with emotional cues and the like) which only shows how utterly useless I can be ^_^ I complain but can't advise? Terrible.
Though, if you'd like to ask questions (which might help spark my own thoughts) be my guest and PM me. Sorry I was so useless...Ah, and a line edit:
Best of luck.
Well, I'm not sure why but that made me want to cry? I'm really not one for poetry but i have fallen in love with this peice, its original and clever and well written. Well done! You have a brilliant peice here!
miyaviloves
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