Published June 6, 2007
You kick mountains; uppercut cyclones.
You dance on dark clouds
and saddle hurricanes, snatching
their eyes from within.
You drink up the ocean and
sputter its salt into rusty spittoons.
I dare not approach you,
for you’ll crumble swiftly,
and I would see nothing
but storms.
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141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
This is... cool, and I really like the focus on "you" and the imagery and such, but it needs a better punch for the ending. What's your point? What's the defining moment? It feels like it should be part of something larger.
I'd like to see this expanded (in ideas if not in length) because I think it has a lot of potential. Keep working on it!
I agree with what's been said before: bulk it up a bit and add a few more levels, and knowing your skill with words, you'll have a minor masterpiece on your hands. ^^
The imagery was really good in places and I think the best thing you can do with this is expand it. Add a deeper level of meaning too if you can. Well written though so keep up the good work.
I liked this one a lot! Great description!
Good Job!
ML,
oregongirl
That was nice...I felt the first stanza was short and simple,and the second stanza was pretty vague compared to the first one.
I would have liked to expand it more,but then again the imaginary was cool!
Keep writing and posting!
I like the imagary you used, it really painted a clear picture for me.
However, I did feel that the second verse was a little, how should I put it, disconnected from the first.
Other than that it was a very good poem.
~®®§
It's good. The grammar, punctuation and rhythm are fine. But it seems aimless to me. It doesn't reach a conclusion or make a point. This may be intentional and isn't necessarily bad but it seems to be just "this happened", "this is how it is". The vagueness is startling, but in a good way. I would like to see it make some powerful, empathetic point or really induce a single emotion.
Even so, my pernicketyness aside, it is very good.
I'm not sure how the mountains fit into this because the main idea seemed to be really storms...and also to me it didn't seem to end right, like there should be more, but maybe that's just me. Otherwise this an awesome poem with some really unique, darkly beautiful imagery and some brilliant phrases.