Published May 12, 2007
A dark eyed girl
leaned in a shadowed doorway
smoking a french cigarette.
Tendrils of smoke
drift up towards the sky.
A light eyed man
stood stiffly across
the way, next to the park.
A black bowler hat perched
jauntily on his head.
Her face dark, unlike his
had attracted him.
The girl smiles shyly,
taking it as a cue he walks
across the road, towards her.
Few too words are spoken,
and they start to walk down
the little street
with such a closeness;
appearing to be
two long lost lovers.
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Canary word: Present
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I though I should let you know I'm not an idiot who won't read anything but her own work.
I did like it. You have an amazing way of putting words together and the language makes it sound sort of old but like retro, not old as in bad old. Its a very well put together peice, and, punctuation stumbles (in my opinion) aside, I loved it.
Actually, I think the tense shift works here. It's as if someone who had been observing them was relating what they had been doing, and then what they are doing now. It makes perfect sense.
I thought it was great, but I'm not sure about the way you change your tenses, eg "leaned" and "drift" are in contrast, which I think makes it read a little jerkily. You kind flip between past and present, which I'm not entirely sure works. Your imagery was amazing though, really vivid.
This was cute I liked it a lot good job!
ML,
Oregongirl
Oh, no, I agree with you, Fand! I meant that the sentence structure could have been mixed up a little. Certainly, poetry should express a lot in few words, which was not emphasized in my example.
bbnnb m nmbnm ,,
^^Erm, my cat wanted to say hi. XD
I don't know; I disagree with Colleen on a few points, particularly the example she gave. I think the hallmark of poetry is that it doesn't need as many words as prose to express an idea; I rather liked the image you created of the girl in the doorway with the French cigarette. (Though, note, French should be capitalized). She's right in that you're straightforward, but I don't think you want to be too subtle; this style seems to work for you. Blunt is bad; straightforward, to taste.
Happy writing.
What really bugged me about the structure here was that the sentences are sort of stilted, and that "A black bowler hat perched jauntily on his head" is a fragment.
...you might try to mix it up a little, like this:Instead of...
She leaned against the doorframe, a French cigarette between her fingers; her dark eyes matched the slanting shadows.
Of course, that may not be the image you had in mind, but see how the sentence is structured differently, phrased a little more poetically?
In terms of the overall effect...I felt that you could've been a little more subtle. It was all very straightforward, and it's often more effective to make your reader figure out more of what's going on. You've described the scene very well, but what does it mean? A reader should come away from this piece knowing that something was expressed, so think about it...what are you trying to express? Obviously, you shouldn't come out and say it blatantly--that's a terrible thing to do to your poetry--but perhaps a question should be raised. "Opposites Attract"--a neat idea to address, but have you addressed it in a new and original way?
Colleen
I agree that it felt like there was some missing punctuation, and the spacing was odd--are there meant to be two line breaks between S2 and S3? And the five line stanza thing... I think the structure of this needs a little work, but I really like the content in the end.
i really liked this poem. you did a good job helping me visualize the scene. and i liked how the reader doesn't fully know what is going on until the last line. good job! keep up the good work.
jess
Somehow I remember reading this sometime last month... But wasn't there more of it? I can't remember. Maybe that was another of your poems... I don't know.
Anyway, it was good. I really liked it.
I am unable to think up a more articulate comment. I'm sorry.
If I can think of something better at another time, then I will glady do so.
But for now, cheerio!!
Peace, love, chocolate.
Muffin
I rather liked it, although I agree that it was a tad anti-climactic. Really nice use of extravagent vocabulary--it was really good!
Fabien another amazing poem! I really love your stuff!
This was cute, I really enjoyed reading it!
Keep up your good work!
Meevs
x
This is cute. I felt like there was some missing punctuation in places, though. Pretty basic message. It's almost like the title gives it away, though. Like the poem just gives an example of what the title affirms. It seemed anti-climactic.