Published May 31, 2007
Ciq menha, oleth renq es-alom
E oleth ix enriq rul burah hov dion.
Druspriah ezan, oleth renq hov danesha
E oleth ix enriq furin irah owriq banat.
---------------------------
Chapter One: Bones.
I think it all started the day I broke my arm. Maybe the seed had been planted long before that, but that day, when my arm broke, the seed blossomed, unfurled its leaves and grew up into a plant of realization. 'Amitahbah!' the elders cried, but I was not as surprised as I should have been. Nine years old, and already I was a cynic.
I remember, I was running. The other children of the nomad camp threw stones and sand until I darted out from the shadow of a tent and ran from them. I could hear their laughing, jeering cries behind me: 'Rohsair's running! - You getting tired, Rohsair? - Are your legs too small, Rohsair? - Mar of darkness!'
The last cry was taken up by the whole pack of them, until they were all yelling it. 'Mar of darkness! Mar of darkness!'
I stumbled, my bare feet slipping and sliding in the desert sand; my toe stubbed against a hidden rock or pebble. Yelping with pain, I stopped and bent over gasping for breath. The others caught up with me, and one girl - Marsinah, she was called - squeaked in delight, 'Rohsair can't run! Can't run, can't run!'
I was too out of breath to form a reply.
'Rohsair's scared to run! He can't ru-un!'
I ducked under the blow that was aimed at my ear, and began running again. Like a crowd of eager puppies chasing a mouse, they followed, regardless of the heat that hung over the camp like a heavy blanket. I ran through the tents, weaving past the cooking-fires and avoiding dogs and goats alike. The women looked up from their cooking, the men from their harness-mending and watched the little drama dispassionately as I passed them in a whirl. The cows lumbered out of my way, and without thinking about it, I veered out of the heart of the camp, away from the closely gathered tents and out into the wide emptiness of the open desert. The children were still behind me, their laughter and excited cries filling the air like the screeching of flustered starlings.
I came out of the tents, but was too blinded by my dizzying rush to notice where I had come out. Suddenly, without any warning, my feet were splashing through water; I could smell the mingled scents of date palms and clean water. I had blundered straight into the oasis where we had been camped these last few weeks. The children were crowding behind me; I fell forward and my face was dashed with cold water. I nearly screamed with shock and fright, but the water filled my mouth and nose, silencing everything, leaving only the blind terror. I thrashed about wildly, trying to get my head above the water, and breathe. I cared nothing about the children's taunts now, all I wanted was to get out. The water reached up its cool and deadly arms to me, tried to drag me down to the bottom, where I would sink, down, down, down, the water filling my entire existence, leaving no room for anything else. No air, no light, no life . . .
Somehow, my head broke the surface of the water, and I clawed at the edges of the wet and hard sand that formed the oasis' bank. I dug my fingers into the damp sand, got my knee up, scrabbled desperately for a moment, then hauled myself over. My heart was beating a terrible dance against my ribs and my one thought was to get away, away from the water, get onto something solid, something that trustworthy and stationary.
'Oh, Roh-sair!' I recognized Marsinah's shrill voice among the others'. 'Did you like that, Rohsair? Want to have another bath, Roh-sair?'
'No, no, oh, please no!' I whimpered aloud; my hand, groping for anything safe touched something hard and gnarled. I looked up and saw one of the date palm trees, its feathery green leaves still in the windless day. I flung my arms around the tree trunk like it was my best friend and began climbing, the scale-like bark rough and tearing against my skin. Below, the children hooted like monkeys and sent their jeers flying up, but all I could think was, Up. Must get up, away from the water.
My clothes dripped down, heavy and cumbersome, my hair was in my eyes, and my arms were beginning to ache. I paused halfway up the trunk, and looked down. The faces of the other children, mostly sun-browned and dark, grinned up at me. They were all about my own age, but that was where our similarities ended; they were of the camp, they had families, but I was tewara, and they never let me forget it. Lost in my growing resentment, my concentration wavered. My foot slipped, I lost my balance, grabbed, grasped at nothing, and fell out of the tree.
I landed with a heavy thud, and a sharp crack. For a second after I had fallen, I was simply recognizing the fact that I was now on the ground and wondering what that noise had been. Then, in the next second, pain stabbed through my arm, and I wailed, curling up, not looking at it, but feeling it, a pounding, weakening pain that drove every other thought from my mind.
Dimly, I could hear the other children saying things, things I could not understand, that did not make sense. Then I heard someone say, 'Kumanne's coming!'
Kumanne, the camp healer, had a gentle voice and even gentler hands. If she's coming, I thought, it can't be that bad.
Wait, no, came another thought. It must be bad, otherwise she wouldn't be coming. This was getting complicated, and my head was starting to go fuzzy and confused.
Out of the depths of pain and puzzlement, I heard a new voice. Kumanne's voice. It said: 'What's the matter, what's happened?'
A clamour: 'He was climbing the tree and he fell - '
'Is he hurt bad?'
'Why's he hurt? I've fallen out of trees and not got hurt - '
'That's because you've got a thick head!'
'Shut up, wachoë!'
'Children, please.' I felt Kumanne's fingers touch my arm, like insects legs and I jerked away from her. The movement sent a lightening bolt of agony through my arm, and my eyes opened wide. I saw my arm, with the end of the broken bone poking through my skin, blood running down to fleck the sand with scarlet spots. That sight, combined with the pain made me feel sick; I fell back, and the sights around me - the others' faces, the oasis and palm trees, the bright, hard blue of the sky, all got swallowed up by dizzy darkness.
٭ص
I swam slowly towards consciousness, feeling vulnerable in a detached way, but without enough thoughts yet to wonder and feel scared. I could hear voices talking softly nearby. With the realization, I woke up properly and my senses starting to function correctly once more. There was a nasty, heavy taste on my tongue that I could not get rid of, and I was lying on something soft and furry. Bed-fleeces, I decided. I kept my eyes closed, but I knew that there was a brazier of coals nearby; the light shone through to the back of my eyelids in a warm red glow. My arm was throbbing, but not overwhelmingly so.
'It must be.'
My attention was caught by Kumanne's voice. She sounded tense, worried.
'But how can it be, rayyisí?'
The second voice belonged to Sharifah, Kumanne's assistant. She sounded just as anxious as the other woman. Her next words made my heart thump with shock.
'Rohsair's human, he's just a boy. How can he have hollow bones?'
What? Hollow . . . I have hollow bones? I was amazed, and idiotically, all I could think was, How weird!
Kumanne did not seem to view it as I did. Her voice shook. 'It's impossible, but true. We both saw it.'
There was a pause. Then Sharifah asked, 'Rayyisí, how is it that a little fall like that broke his arm? He wasn't even half way up that tree - or so the children said.'
'I might doubt their word, but this time, I think they're telling the truth.' Her voice lightened, as though she was happy to talk about something that she knew the answer to. 'If his bones really are hollow, that explains it. Hollow bones would mean fragile bones. Think about it - a bird's bones are hollow, and that makes them light enough to fly, but it makes them fragile as well. A bird's life is easily crushed out.'
I did not like the sound of that, but before I could do anything, Kumanne added, 'There's another thing as well. Feel his heart. Go on.'
I heard the swish of Sharifah's tunic as she came close to the bed. I kept my eyes closed, and lay rigidly as she placed her hand over my heart. She took her hand away almost immediately. 'What...?'
'You felt that as well?'
'Well, yes, but . . . ' She put her hand on my chest again, and after a moment exclaimed, 'It's not - it's just - his heart's going far too fast! If he wasn't just lying there, I'd say that he'd been running or had an enormous shock.'
'I thought that when I brought him in.' Kumanne sounded weary again. 'Then I felt it after we'd set the bone. This child is wrong, Sharifah. He has hollow bones, and his heart goes too fast for a normal human. In fact,' she said dryly, 'it would kill a strong man if his heart was going that fast. Explain to me how a skinny little boy can survive something that would kill a strong man.'
'Perhaps . . . Should we tell Haroun-rän?'
'I think he's got enough to worry about without this as well.'
I was listening intently to all this, but I must have made a noise or twitched, for I heard a flurry of movement, and then Kumanne said, 'Boy? Rohsair? Are you awake?'
Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and nodded. Kumanne gave Sharifah a look, and she went and got a wooden bowl from beside the brazier. Returning, she gave it to the healer, who held it to my mouth, encouraging, 'Drink. It's good.'
I rolled my eyes down, and saw my arm, tightly strapped up in a still-damp leather sling. Kumanne's dark eyes were wary, but her voice was reassuring as she said, 'Yes, your arm's alright now. Drink this, and sleep.'
The bowl was full of a warm, thin liquid with the taste and scent of sleeping-herbs behind a disguise of something sweet. I drank it and lay back on the bed-skins, closing my eyes again. As the whispering voices of the healers began again, I fell asleep.
- - - -
Glossary:
Amitahbah! = General expression of suprise
Mar = Brat, bad child
Tewara = Different, a stranger
Wachoë = Idiot
Rayyisí = Mistress, or a polite term of address for a superior woman. Children and young people would address any adult woman like this.
-rän = Suffix added to name of camp-leader. "Haroun-rän" means "Haroun the camp leader"
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,618 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
well, i think everyone else caught the mistakes i saw. your voice is beautiful, i feel like the nomads are real people and the language is one i could learn in school. can't wait to find out more about Rohsair! great work!
That was really good. I agree with Tolkien scattering colons everywhere.
I really liked this. It became very suspenseful when you revealed the part about the hollow bones and the fast heart rate. I like that the characters didn't reveal anything else about their discovery except their concerns. I also like how you hint to the hollow bones being more than just a defect. It tells us that it is something special. This really grabbed my attention. Great job!
All the others who critiqued this story got everything, so I'll just say:
Thumbs up for an amazing beginning!
This is a great story! Rohsair's voice is realistic, and the pace, style and description are ace!! And as for him having hollow bones and a mega-fast heart rate, that's an amazing twist.
One Ring to find them..."
Kidding.
I really enjoyed your story so far. It's a good start! I will be reading the other parts soon. I like your descriptions. It's an interesting story that held my attention well. There were a few areas, though, where I'm going to be really nit-pickey...
This is a bit redundant, since a pebble is a rock. I suggest deleting the "or pebble" bit.
The word "regardless" feels wrong here to me. I suggest something like "disregarding".
Again, the word "alike" feels wrong. I suggest deleting it.
You might want do do something about all that "water". Maybe just say "I could smell date palms" or "I could smell the mingled scents of date palms and wet sand." And I suggest you start a new sentence after the first "water."
I'm not sure if you meant for the "that" to be there the way it is. Technically, I guess it could work the way you have it, but I suggest either taking it out or inserting the word "was" after "that".
...Gosh, Pol is right: those other kids are abusive!
Anyway...
I would take out "he's just a boy." Being young doesn't have anything to do with having hollow bones, and it kind of breaks the flow of ideas. Maybe say "humans have solid bones." instead. Or something...
This is kind of a strange and awkward way to put it. I suggest "I glanced at my arm and saw it tightly strapped..." or something like that.
One more thing: the glossary is great. You might also want to put pronounciations for your words there. Especially for words that have letters with accent markings (e.g., wachoë), since English doesn't use them and their pronounciation is different in different languages.
Overall, great job! Feel free to take or not take my suggestions as you see fit. I look forward to reading more when I get the chance! (Sorry if this crit was overly-long...
This was really good and as I've read the edited version I have no problems with the piece. Sometimes your description got a little bit...long, but you always snapped back the attention just in time. Make sure that you don't start to ramble...
This was fantastic personification, something I don't see a lot of on YWS:
The Glossary was helpful but would be better at the beginning of the text rather than the end.
I really enjoyed this and am going to start reading the next few chapters when I have a chance.
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxx
I like the second language additions, and especially how you've added a glossary at the end; very helpful. Did you make the language up yourself? Oh, the poem at the beginning does look pretty, but alas, I have no idea what it says.
This part sounded a little bit awkward:
It almost sounded like something a robot might say. First, an example is given, then a definition of the example is given seemingly as an addition to the list, but it doesn't really add to the list. I'd say something like running, or climbing a tree, or scared to death, just because you began by giving an example. (And here I am making something big out of something small, so don't worry too too much about this, just a suggestion
Yup, they do, Nutty.
Thin and humpbacked, but still cows... they're usually white with drooping horns.
Ta everyone for commenting!
This is great!
All the nit-picking has been done for me, it seems.
I enjoyed this, it was descriptive without being long-winded (something I hate), and enough action to balance the thoughts.
I really liked the way you did the underwater bit, and the last line was effective.
Well, I've ran out of useless things to say, so I'll go read the next bit now
though, question, I'm not a expert on desert-life, but do they really have cows?
This was written well, flowed nicely, and as the others have already mentioned has a beautiful arabian, but more importantly, timeless feel to it. Something thats important in fantasy, which makes the moments in which that feel is destroyed, equally important.
For example:
And
Both of which are very modern and out of place, they serve only to jolt the reader out of the story. I think you should reconsider the wording of that.
I think this should be looked at as well:
This doesn't quite work when its shortly followed by-- "but I must have made a noise or twitched,"--after which they immediately notice he's awake. Further more, I think an experienced healer such as the one described would have noticed his "rigidity" and known at once that he was awake.
Small things I know, but in a story, theyre often the most important.
I think you captured the children and their antics extremely well. Nicely done.
Hey Shadow- me again
I promise this one will be short and sweet.
I just came back and looked at this again, and I saw what you'd done with the editing. I had to tell you- 'tis beautiful. You did a great job fixing up those things everyone brought up. 'Tis lovely, sib, si liera, mon avali ki- *rambles off in enthusiastic singarrae, making no sense to anyone*
...anyway, I'm excited to see the next part.
bei'theh!
I too loved the arabian-desert feel to it! There is some VERY good description, although in some cases, i think it would be better to not stop and describe something, but to just move the story along- keeping the quick pace feel of it.
Ok I don't know, maybe it's just me, but this simile seems...awkward. I guess I've never seen a puppy chase a mouse...*shrug* other then that, I guess the other posts covered it. Over all, Awesome story.
I don't have anything to critique, got here to late, but you should try not to begin every paragraph with 'I', which can be done so easily!
I also loved the Arabian feel to it, realised as soon as I read there were dates and the name 'Haroun'.
Myth
Well... it appears that gyr and sworddance have done their job so I'll just say...... GREAT STORY!!!
Goose and sworddance stole all my comments! Lol. I guess all I can say is: watch your paragraph breaks, congratulations on a minimum of grammatical/spelling errors, and write more soon, please!
Really awsome story... Ok, here goes...
First of all, I think the other camp kids are really- I mean really mean. First of all, why are they tormenting this nice dude, Rohsair. Its so sad he nearly drowned, the same thing neary happened to me once... anyway, I think you described his confusion and pain really well.
By the way, that one part, "Digging in my fingers, I got my knee on the top..." I don't know. "Digging in my fingers doesn't sound right. Mabye, "Clawing into the soft ground, I got my knee..." I thought all the names were confusing at first and I probably couldn't remember the important ones if I had to.
I also like how you gave him one single mind set, like "Up. I must get up away from the water."
By the way, whats a tewara?
When describing Kumanne I'm not sure about this, "the camp healer had gentle fingers and a gentle voice." The part about the voice is good but... AHHHHH!!! I don't know what it is, just... doenst sound right to me...
I think the part about the hollow bone and fast heart beat is cool, but... Well you better explain it later on!
I understand he needed to be awake to hear what they are saying but why would he wake up just to go back to sleep?
Sorry about how vauge this is, I can't figure out how to make quotes!
~Pol
I agree, one can never read too much of Tolkien, although it is good to read something else for a change of pace.
Hey Twit cool story, I'll try to check in on it occasionally give some crits.
There is no such thing as reading too much Tolkien.
Ever.
=P
~sworddance
Coo! Thanky both of yez for the crits!
I think I do tend to misuse colons. Tolkein scatters them all over the place, so I guess that's got to my head. Been reading LOTR too much. 
*Taking all advice on board*
-ST
Ah, sheka, I'm supposed to be elsewhere critiquing a different piece, but this caught my attention and held it. Darn you. >.<
This is really good, to start off. You gave us just the right amount of info- no dumping, but not so little that we have no idea what's going on.
There were a couple things I noticed, though. (saw that one coming, eh?)
"Amitahbah!' The elders cried..."
--> lowercase 't'.
I like how you do the short intro and then flash back into the past. That's a good way to start your story. Unfortunately, I didn't pick up on it right away. You need to tweak that first sentence to make it obvious that now your speaker, who already is in past tense, is telling us about something that happened before the time in which he is speaking to us... if that makes sense to you. Basically, your tenses are running into each other, and that's the problem with flashbacks when you're writing in past tense form anyway.
The simplest solution is to change the 'was' to a 'had been', maybe insert a short phrase to help clarify, so your sentence might read something like, "I remember I had been running," or "I had been running, the day it happened," or even just "I had been running."
heh you get it.
Problem was, it was sounding like all the chasing was a result of whatever had "started" the day he broke is arm.
"The last cry was taken up by the whole pack of them, until they were all yelling it: 'Mar of darkness! Mar of darkness!'"
-->just a period, not a colon.
"...but all I could think was, Up. I must get up, away from the water."
--> a wee bit awkward for a thought, imho. Perhaps just eliminate the 'I' and I think it would be better, more natural for a panicked thought.
"I paused, halfway up the trunk and looked down."
-->comma after trunk
"I lost my balance, grabbed - grasped at nothing..."
-->I think you should take out the 'grasped at', because now you have a repetitive action, so it's kind of odd.
"There was a delayed reaction: for a second
after I had fallen,"
-->besides weird paragraphing, the colon should be a semi-colon.
-->When you say "there was", it sounds like an action removed from himself, as though it was the children who had the delayed reaction and not him. The rest of that paragraph is a little weak, too, again imho; I think you should reword that to bring home what you're trying to say- for a moment there was nothing but I'm-on-the-ground, then there was ow- lots of ow.
Perhaps... "For a moment as I lay there, all I registered was that now I was on the ground, and -had that been a branch snapping?- but then came the pain, excruciating pain which stabbed through my arm and had me wailing, curling over it, not looking at it but feeling the pain of it- a pounding, weakening..." etc.
(and you say "my arm" twice in your sentence also- might want to look at that)
"Kumanne, the camp healer had gentle fingers and a gentle voice."
--> gentle is in there twice- was that intentional? I'd suggest changing it, perhaps even just saying "gentle fingers and an even gentler voice", or vice versa.
"If she's coming, I thought, it can't be that bad. Wait, no, came another thought. It must be bad, otherwise she wouldn't be coming. This was getting complicated, and my head was starting to go fuzzy and confused."
--> love this. Don't touch it. >.< Ever.
"I fell back, and the sights around me: the others' faces, the
oasis and palm trees, the bright, hard blue of the sky, all got swallowed up by dizzy darkness."
-->No colon. you can enclose that list with dashes on beginning and end, but NO colon.
"I swam up slowly towards consciousness..."
-->good, but I'd like you to take out the 'up'.
"...they were near by..."
-->nearby is one word.
"...and woke up properly; my senses starting to function correctly once more."
--> no semi-colon. comma. The best way to look at it is that in almost every case, what comes after the semi-colon must be able to be a standalone sentence.
"Skins, I decided. I kept my eyes closed, but I knew that there was a brazier of coals nearby: the light shone through to the back of my eyelids in a warm red glow."
-->no colon. semi-colon. I'm not sure if it's necessarily grammatically incorrect to have the colon there, but it is grammatically awkward, as it implies a different sort of 'voice', I guess, than I think you want.
"My attention was caught by Kumanne's voice. She sounded tense, worried.
'But how can it be, rayyisí?'
Sharifah, Kumanne's assistant. She sounded as anxious as the other woman. Her next words made me stiffen in shock."
-->confusion with who's speaking. maybe just insert a short phrase, perhaps making it like... hmmm.... "She sounded tense, worried. A second voice came to my ears." something...
"'How can a human boy have hollow bones like Rohsair does?'"
-->awkward. It makes it sound as though it is already an established fact that Rohsair has hollow bones and she is comparing something else to his, not that she is questioning the plausibility of him having them. Plus it's a wee bit forced as dialogue. Rephrase that- maybe "How could the boy have hollow bones? Rohsair- it isn't- no human has hollow bones, rayyisí!" ...again, or something like that.
"Hollow bones equals fragile bones."
--> the 'equals' seems to me to be a lapse in her voice, sounding more like a teenager of modern age. Just say 'would mean' or w/ev you like.
"Returning, she gave it to the healer who held it to my mouth..."
-->comma after healer
"Kumanne said reassuringly, but with a wary look in her dark eyes, 'Yes, your arm's alright now. Drink this, and sleep.'"
-->I think you should rephrase the tag. This loses the action of speaking before we get to the dialogue. "Her eyes were wary, but her voice was nonethless reassuring as she said..."
"I drank it and lay back on the bed-skins..."
--> for a sec, I thought you had the usage/tense on this one wrong, but then I realized it was the past tense of lie that you were using, and it just came out a bit awkward. I'd suggest "laid myself back", but that's again just imho.
"The darkness of oblivion was waiting, and I slipped down into it almost gratefully. As the whispering voices of the healers began again, I fell asleep."
--> you essentially tell us the same thing twice- he fell asleep. You want the whispering healers, but work it in without that sentence.
Anyways... Yeah, essentially I just nitpicked your whole piece. Sorry about that. Look at it this way- it's really really good, and you force me to pick out the little things in order to have anything useful to tell you. That means it's your own fault. So hah. =P
Besides the one thing I mentioned above about the tenses transition, I love the flow of it. It's beautifully written, concise, original, and thorough- yet not too thorough. haha I would like to see the next part of this, truly; pm me when you get it up or something.
...sorry 'bout the length of the post, I rarely if ever do short and sweet, especially not if I'm really interested in it. Consider it a warped and annoying compliment.
bei'theh!
~sworddance
Yay! Rohsair finally!
Well, here goes:
Too many commas, I think
Eliminate everything between “and” and “physical,” and make “I began running again” a separate sentence (actually “I began to run again” might be better). The way you’ve got it worded her is a little awkward and repetitive, and I would personally consider a blow aimed at my ear to be physical encouragement to run.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but that feels weird…
Get rid of the comma.
Need a comma after dark
awkward wording
Comma after “healer” darling.
You need some paragraph separation here: start a new one beginning with “Wait, no” and another new one beginning at “Out of the depths.” The first helps contrast the two thoughts, and the second is just standard grammar when introducing another speaker.
Confusing, and a little awkward. Could be a lot more streamlined.
I’ve read your dialogue—you can do SO much better than this, darling!
Please don't take all of this personally, I'm just trying to help you get the best story you can out of this--and I really am excited to read more!
Just a few other points:
Most oases are pretty shallow—it seems like it would be hard to start drowning just by stepping into one unless someone held your face in the water.
From what I’ve seen (and I could be wrong on this), desert people generally don’t leave the fur on the skin—it adds an unwelcome insulation. If Rohsair is lying on skins, they would probably be smooth and maybe even a little cracked with age or heat.