Published June 6, 2007
untill you live your life,
with out having to know whats wrong.
and whats right.
untill you life your life,
with out a care in the world.
untill you live your life,
perfectly with out work.
untill you live your life,
in nothing but perfection.
untill you live your life,
with out a need to worry.
you are human.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Yeah the incorrect spelling of until put me off from the beginning and with out should be one word - without. Other than that it's too repetetive and lacking in poetic techniques. It certainly needs to be re-written but the theme is nice. Just spend a little more time describing each point, use a few less points and there you go.
It should be "until," first of all--one "l" only--and I agree with everything that Snoink and WM said. Scrap it.
Capitalization is your friend, shake hands with it. Other than that, although I like the topic, it wasn't too spectacularly formulated. "Until you live your life" is repeated too often for a poem this length, and I'm not entirely sure it is the right way to put what you are trying to say.
My opinion would be to scrap the poem but keep the theme. Start completely over with a completely different form of poetry and try that.
Happy Editing,
WM
In fiction writing, there is a saying that is "show, don't tell." The same saying can be said for poetry.
Right now, this is a list poem that just lists things of what is impossible for us humans to follow. What I would like to see is more vivid description so that you not only read the poem, but sense what's going on in the poetry, almost as if it's a real, breathing poem.
Anyway, hope that helps!