Published April 21, 2007
How can you do this to me,
You are so far,yet I see you everyday.
Ripping through my head in an instant,
A heartbreaking second of pain,
But then you are gone.
I still feel you in my misery,
But I must see more of you, any way I can.
Seeing your face is not enough,
I would kill to have more,
But I know it is immpossible.
You are in another world to me,
You have a life, a future and more.
You are so much older than me,
You are so talented and popular,
But I am just useless.
I know this love shall never be,
But still I cling to you, the only reason I live.
It hurts so much I cry all night,
Yet I can not stop loving you,
But I hope one day I shall find someone as wonderful as you.
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141,255 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I think that was a little harsh. Stay with your theme, it's always best to write about what you want to write about, not what you think you should write about (presuming this is what you want to write about). I think you've definetelt got the bones here, but maybe for your next draft try to go a little deeper. Concentrate on how it feels (you can see it in the first verse especially, so maybe work on developing that a little), and go with your instimts. Try not to use the first image or phrase which comes to you, as with love poetry it's easy to get a bit caught up in phrases which sound cliche, as love can be so hard to define.Keep trying, you're half way there. Hope this helps.
*Cough navelgazing cough.* This is tripe. You've misspelled simple words like "impossible," and the whole thing is a ridiculous ego-trip. This should be a diary entry, not a poem. Scrap it.
This is a poem that deals with "navel-gazing." That is, it deals with the narrator's emotions and nothing else. Try extending your metaphor to stretch and encompass the world instead of just the narrator's view of it.
Hey, the emotions in this were definitely strong and it was a sad write...whoever this is about, if you like them then try and talk to them and get to know them. I know liking people that don't like you back (or even know you) is hard. So let him get to know you, and if he likes you then good, and if he doesn't then...it's better than not knowing, right?? Anyways, as far as poeticwise this could be improved, with some more poetic devises or somethin to spice this up a wee bit, but this was still a very nice, emotional write!