Rude Customers

It was funny but a little creepy. I'm never eating Mcdonalds again!
(Thats a lie, i can't resist fries and milkshake!)
~Charlotte~

I liked this.
Short.
To the point.
And also somewhat dark.

Maybe you could make it one or two verses longer? Add more detail and maybe even make it darker, like a sinister approach to the fast food industry?

Good though

This isn't, like, amazing poetry or anything, but it's cute and it made me laugh, so you get a virtual gold star.

I really have nothing constructive to add. I agree with the people who've mentioned using a less formal tone. Cadmiums edits helped "clean things up" a bit, in terms of voice and tone.

Hehe, your sister's boyfriend is funny. ^_^

Tell him that he must come up with another rhyme for clog so he can have another line. It'll make everything sound so much better.

Thanks everyone. Of course, I can't take credit for it, it was my sister's boyfriend who made it up while he was working. ;D He wanted me to put it on this site and see what people thought of it. I'll be happy to tell him!

*Snorts.* Amusing, and I know just the sort of person you're talking about. Of note, though: "arterys" should be "arteries."

I agree with the person who said you should use words like "ain't" and such, it would make it even more amusing than it is. And good gosh I wish I had your wit!!!! Also, remember to put a little spice into their food, to give them heartburn. *chortle*

This was a funny little poem, It made me laugh and that makes it good!

I thought it was weird that clog doesn't have a rhyming line.
Then I started thinging of words that rhyme with "clog" and how they could fit in.

In short, good choice not rhyming "clog" with anything.
Cute, funny, love it.

I work at Subway and while I was reading this, I noticed a hint of familiar emotions towards rude customers. hehe

misspriss wrote:Our customers are [s]very[/s] awful rude
And so we serve them fatty food[s]s[/s]
And then their [s]arterys[/s] arteries will clog
Their hearts will fail them in the night
[s]It will not be a pretty sight[/s]It ain't gonna be a pretty sight.

Well lots of salt would make it taste bad too. So you could still use that as a way to get at em.

No, Ares, cholesterol products and complex fats (i.e. grease, mayo, cheese, etc) will do the trick better

This is kinda funny but I think the last three lines sound a little unbalanced.

Anyways, next time, add some extra salt to these people's food. That might speed up the clogging.