Note: This piece really needs to be read straight through with chapter 10 and 11, but that is too much for YWS. Rated R for language and violence.
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Chapter Nine
Standing with his back to the temple's wall, Kek pulled a cigar from his tunic's pocket and lit it with the blazing torch at the entrance. He raised it to his mouth and took a few puffs, holding it as long as possible before exhaling in a large gray cloud, revealing himself to Griff with that one long stream of smoke.
“Hells wrong with you,” Griff walked up to Kek, knowing it was serious enough to turn the man's face a pale gray, “Something up with him?”
The two could have passed as identical twins if it wasn't for Griff's fighter's beard of unruly dark brown hair and while Kek wore a green and black tunic of a businessman, the man's pale skin was almost ghostly compared to the scarred and tanned majesty of Griff's battered body.
“Yeah,” Kek grumbled between puffs of his cigar, “That woman.”
“I got a bad feeling in my gut when she went down, are you sure she's dead?”
“Yeah, shit doesn't smell right though. Can't figure out what it is, but something isn't right.” Kek passed the cigar to Griff, “How'd Case do?”
“Lost him. Uppercut to the neck and snapped like a twig.” Griff shook his head slowly, eying the cigar and the thin trail of smoke rising from its tip, “Can you fill his spot?”
“Fuck no.” Kek turned around and punched the stone wall with his fist, “No one gives a shit about the job anymore. I'm sick of it, just fucking sick of it.”
Punching it over and over again, his knuckles began to scrape against the edge and bleed, but the man didn't stop as tears welled up in his eyes, “First Leo, now Case. Saverz...”
Griff placed his hand on Kek's shoulder, “Raquil won't die so easy, and me? Well, I am immortal. You got nothing to worry about.”
Kek pulled away, angrily casting his hand at the ring, “It just keeps getting worse every year. And when did they start using children, is this Leaus's doing?”
“Wait, what?” Griff's eyes fell upon the figure and the cigar fell out of his mouth, “Cardinal Belrusi is participating?”
Kek and Griff couldn't believe their eyes, entirely clad in red robes the Cardinal of Fegoria stood in the center, motioning towards the crowd. No one knew the age of the boy, but his height was barely taller then then that of Cardinal Wentz of Frae. Hiding behind a crimson veil, the boy called out to the crowd, “Does anyone care to challenge me? No?! You are all a sorry lot. The elite of nothing! No one here is a match for anyone of the Temple let alone standing a chance at becoming guardsman.”
“To anyone able to even reveal my face,” he raised his arm to show that his hood and veil were easily torn away, “I will raise the status of your entire linage to nobility where you will bask in luxury forever.”
Griff laughed and started towards the ring, “How many guards do you have waiting to back you up?”
“Oh? Is that a challenge?” Belrusi turned towards Griff, “Do you think I need any? A third rate hack like you isn't worthy to even look upon me!”
“If you kill him its curtains for us you moron!” Kek shouted at Griff, “Don't take the bait!”
“Cut the crap,” Griff pushed through the crowd and towards the ring, “Answer the question .”
Belrusi sized up the man for a moment, pacing around Griff's battle scarred form, “I believe the offer doesn't apply to the likes of you. Though I suppose I could let you leave this place in something besides a coffin, provided you win.”
Griff extended his hand and offered it to the young Cardinal, “Nobles shake, right?”
The boy slowly took hold of Griff's hand and nodded, “Yes, that is-”
His hand tightened on the boy's soft palm, crushing it and wrenching it until the bone cracked under the stress, “None of your trickery.”
His left hand shot out and at Griff's neck, but the man was far quicker then the boy. As the hand shot out at his throat, Griff pulled his blade from his waist and cut off the boy's wrist faster then the eye could see. Falling to the ground, the severed hand spasmed twice and fell motionless before Cardinal Belrusi realized what had happened in that instant. Blood poured from his wrist with each slow beat of his heart, his eyes wide at the loss of his hand.
“Remember this, Cardinal.” Griff brought the blade down on the boy's right wrist, lobbing it off just as easily as the first, “WE don't play by the rules.” With a single powerful kick to the boy's crotch, Griff watched the boy become airborne for a moment, before his body twisted and slammed into the ground as a twisted ragdoll.
“KILL HIM!” came cries from the crowd as they ordered the death of the boy, “Finish him! Griff! GRIFF! GRIFF! GRIFF!”
No guard came to his aid, the Cardinal had came to the event alone after all. To the den of the Ebon Masters! This unbelievable stroke of luck would spread chaos throughout Fegoria, allowing their operations to be carried out unopposed. As Griff stood over the boy, deciding whether to remove his hood or kill him, the boy's soft cries reached his ears.
Crawling away from Griff the Cardinal cried out, “Cheaters... Dishonorable... Murderers.”
“Have you forgotten? These people care nothing for you. You are another sacrifice to Vale and a damn fine one at that,” Griff raised his foot and slammed it down on the boy's chest, “Give the people what they want!”
Cardinal Belrusi cried out, “But, I am just-”
In a final blow, Griff's blade impaled itself in the boy's heart. The Cardinal let out one final gasp of blood and fell dead on the cold stone sigil of his sign. Griff turned towards Kek and the cheering crowd, wishing he had felt something for the boy, but he just didn't. Nobility was not immune from the blade of a commoner. Whether he was naive or just drunk on his own power, the boy's fatal mistake had cost him his life. As Griff picked up the body he removed the hood of the Cardinal, a strange feeling filled his gut and he couldn't bare to look upon the boy's face.
“This is not the Cardinal,” Griff announced as he threw the body down onto the ground, “It can't fucking be! It just cannot...”
He fell to his knees, staring at the body as the crowd breeched the ring all lunging for and tearing at the boy of the false Cardinal. Fighting amongst one another like dogs, they grabbed at his limbs and violently tore away at him, hoping to gain possession of the body. Ripping cloth, cries of pain and growls filled the air as the quarrel became a bloodbath with one person's drawing of a knife. The figures moved back and forth, some fled away in terror, some quarreled with daggers drawn, others charged in with their fists in blind rage.
Kek rushed in and grabbed Griff, “Come on, get up! GET UP!”
Breaking from the crowd, one man charged at Griff with his dagger drawn, “Murderer of the Cardinal!”
A bolt of lightning struck the crowd that very moment, deafening concussion attacked the ears, blood pouring down from Griff and Kek's lobs as their eyes witnessed the blinding flash consume the bodies of the crowd, their flailing and falling, their soundless screams of agony.
Kek felt a man's arm placed against his shoulder and he looked up to see the black and silk robed figure of Tenji wielding the forked spear, Judgement, proudly in his right hand. Deafened by the blast, the old man's words did not reach his ears, but their greatest ally had appeared before them.
“Leaus, where are the others?” Tenji covered his nose with his scarf as the smell of burnt flesh filled the air.
Emerging from his place in the tent, the tiny man rushed as fast as those stout little legs could carry him towards his glorious master, “Only Neex and Raquil is not present. I know Raquil is resting in the Temple's chambers, but Neex should still be at the morgue. You really do know how to fill an order-”
“We need to get out of here quickly, the Cardinal's army is approaching. Seems this little event was found out in advance.”
“We can't even collect-”
“No. We will be doomed by morning. Gather them both and be prepared for a long walk, they approach from the east, so we will have to run through the swamps,” Tenji turned back his attention towards Griff and Kek, “Dumb as ever, but you have the devil's luck!”
“THAT WAS FUCKING PAINFUL,” Kek yelled at Tenji, unable to hear his own voice, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”
“Time to go, kids.” Tenji bent down and pulled Kek onto his feet, “You best be able to stand, cause we got to get out of here now.”
Griff was still in a state of shock as he got on his feet again, “I knew it. We've been tricked. He tricked us!”
“No time to be crying, come on,” Tenji slowly started heading down hill, waving his hand for them to come, “The Temple Knights are coming this way and I don't want another brush with those metal heads!”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hi!
I liked this chapter! I’ve got quite a few nitpicks but they are all quite small things so ignore me if you like 
'from the blazing torch' might sound better here than 'with'
Instead of 'holding it' I'd maybe specify what it is he is holding, as a moment ago 'it' was the cigar. Maybe 'holding his breath' or something like that. I'm not sure about the last part here, I think you could phrase it a bit better. Perhaps something about the smoke attracting the attention of Griff? I'd play around with it a bit until you find something that fits
I think this sentence is quite long and gets a bit confusing, I’d maybe break it up into two sentences and rearrange some of the information. You also only describe Kek’s clothing so the reader doesn’t know how different Griff’s appearance is. Here’s an example-
‘The two could have passed as identical twins if it wasn’t for Griff’s fighter’s beard of unruly dark brown hair and while Kek wore the green and black tunic of a businessman, Griff was clothed in (here’s where you could add some detail). In further contrast, Kek’s pale skin was almost ghostly compared to the scarred and tanned majesty of Griff’s battered body.’
Does he smoke the cigar? As later on you say he has it in his mouth so I’d maybe say something about him taking a puff after eyeing it or before
The edge of what? I’d specify here so maybe ‘the wall’ or ’stone’ or 'jagged surface' or something like that.
You haven’t said what figure as you just said that Kek was gesturing to the ring, not to a figure. So I’d maybe add something like ‘a figure of a boy’ or something to show what the figure looks like at first glance.
I’d maybe add ‘a’ before ‘guardsman’.
As you started this on a new line I kind of thought it was someone else talking, I’d maybe add an action or say something about how he is talking in between the speech to show the pause in speech but have it all on one line
I think it might be quite effective to show how he says this, like a hiss or something else kind of menacing.
I’d maybe change ‘hand shot out’ the second time you use it to something different like ‘As the fingers reached for his throat’ so you are not repeating it.
This sounded a bit awkward to me, I’d maybe rephrase it. Perhaps something like ‘before Cardinal Belrusi had realized what was going on.’ or ‘before Cardinal Belrusi had had time to realise what was happening.’
I’m not sure why there is emphasis on ’WE’ but if you are putting emphasis on it I’d maybe have it in italics instead
‘become airborne’ I think could be improved upon as it doesn’t sound as violent as the rest of the fight , perhaps something about him being flung into the air from the impact would be better
It is their cries that are ordering the death of th boy, so maybe ‘from the crowd, ordering the death of the boy’ would be better.
I think the second ‘came’ should be ‘come’ here and I’d maybe change ’his aid’ to ’the Cardinals aid’ and have ’the Cardinal’ as ’he’ so that you know from the beginning who you are referring to as a moment ago it was Griff.
I thought at first the boy was still, maybe you could describe him turning onto his stomach to crawl away or have him squirming when Griff is standing over him or something like that?
I think this might make more sense as just ‘Griff’s blade impaled the boys heart’.
I’m not sure about ‘fell’ as he is on the floor already, maybe ‘slumped’ or something like that.
I’m not sure about ‘moved back and forth’, it doesn’t show the chaos that you go on to describe. Maybe something like ‘the figures became one heaving mass’ or ‘the crowd turned to chaos’ or something like that
I’d break this into two or three sentences as it is quite long, ‘lobs’ should be ‘lobes’ I think
‘A bolt of lightening struck the crowd that very moment and deafening concussion attacked the ears, blood pouring from Griff and Kek’s lobes as their eyes witnessed the blinding flash consume the bodies of the crowd. Their eyes stayed fixed to their flailing and falling figures, their soundless screams of agony. ‘
I think you could replace ‘placed against’ to better describe the action, like ‘rested upon’ or ‘rested heavily’ or something like that.
I’d maybe add ‘It’ before ‘seems’ but it works either way
‘his attention back’ might run smoother here.
I think you could describe the movement a bit better than ‘as he got on his feet again’ like ‘as he clambered to his feet’ but also you haven’t really mentioned about him getting to his feet before as he stayed kneeling when the lightening bolt struck, so maybe leave out ‘again’
Overall: I thought this was a brilliant fight scene and a good twist!
I really enjoy your writing style but I do think in this piece you could add more imagery to their expressions and how little actions are performed. Instead of saying how they felt show it, describe how their eyes are wide and their lips tight, their skin drained of all blood. I’d also like to know a bit more on their voices and reactions to one another, for instance ’Leaus’ in the last part of this chapter when he is constantly being interrupted- is he breathing hard? Speaking humbly? Nodding his head to what Tenji says? I’d like a bit more detail on that part
I think you could extend a bit more on Tenji as he is so important, a few more pieces of description might help