Hi sorry it has taken me so long! If I leave it a while in between reviews don't worry about PMing me to nudge me into writing the next one, I sometimes just forget
Hilga moved her foot down over Raquil's strong and thick, proud black hairy chest with her foot
I don't think you need 'with her foot' on the end here.
he came closer as if pulled by an invisible leash around his neck.
I think you could say something better than 'came closer' here, maybe 'drew closer' or as you have just said 'closer' perhaps replacing it with 'nearer' or something similar.
Hilga took a drink of his wine, guzzling it down all by herself.
It's not really hard to drink things by yourself I think it sounded a bit strange here, maybe leave out 'all by herself' or change it to something like 'in one long swig' to describe her drinking it a bit more.
“Will they give us trouble?” he spat out at last,
the use of 'spat out' here made it sound for a moment like he was saying it angrily when he isn't, maybe 'blurted' or just 'asked' would more fit in with him being nervous about asking the question
touched it weakly,
You use 'weak' quite a bit throughout this piece and I think that's mostly fine but I'd maybe change it here as it seemed a bit too much and I think you can easily replace it with something like 'lightly'.
sending the man onto the floor with a loud thud,
I think you could say something better than 'onto the floor' here, like 'crashing to the floor' or 'tumbling to the floor' to better describe the action.
shards scattering the room
I'd maybe add 'across' here after 'scattering'
you will make me an Ebon Master because I said so
I'm not sure if 'say' would work better here than 'said'.
Hilga whispered so low that fear filled his body, knowing what would happen if the dead girl was really alive after the end of the fight,
I'd maybe have this as two sentence, perhaps ending the first at 'filled his body' and then start the knew one as 'He knew'.
still in shock over what he is seeing.
I think 'was' might be better than 'is' here.
You know we can't be found out or draw any attention,” he continued on, holding his hand to his face and pacing around the room in wild circles.
I'd maybe add 'to ourselves' after 'attention' as the sentence seems kind of incomplete to me. I'd either have 'he continued on' as 'he continued' or 'he carried on'. Instead of just 'to his face' maybe 'to cover his face' would be more appropriate as then it stops him from seeing what he can see?
signaling Hilga to keep quiet as went to break it.
I'd add 'he' before 'went' but I think you could maybe say something better than 'went' like 'tensed' here to show what he is actually doing.
Kek didn't believe Raquil and moved closer
generally I think you are really good at describing people motions throughout your story and how they react to things, here though when you say 'Kek didn't believe Raquil' you are more telling the reader something they can already infer from what he says. I don't think you need it and I'd either leave it out or replace it with something that gives more information on how he appears not to believe him, like frowning or shooting him strange glances or perhaps commenting on his tone as he spoke.
Raquil hesitated and Kek knew immediately, placing his hand on her neck,
He doesn't really know as he finds out he is wrong in a moment, so maybe something about leaping to conclusions or suspicions heightening would be better here.
closing it behind him with a slam, “Sick fuck, thought I knew you too.”
'slamming it behind him' might be easier here and I think you could add something about how Raquil can hear him talking, like from behind the wood or muffled slightly by the wood of the door as it made me think for a moment that he was back in the room
Standing over Hilga, Raquil placed his hand over her heart and pushed down, the bed's frame creaking under the force, trying desperately to resuscitate her the bed's squeaking elicited one final, “Gah, FUCK!” From Kek who was lingering outside by door still.
I'd maybe break this up into two sentences, maybe ending the first at 'force' and then having the second as 'As he tried desperately'. I think 'by door' should be 'the door' here as well.
Raquil lifted his head up to breathe for the girl, and her eyes snapped open as his lips met hers, her eyes gazed into his.
You repeat 'eyes' here so I'd maybe change the last part to something like 'their gaze locking.'
he will be witness to my initiation.”
I'm not sure if it should be 'be witness' here, maybe 'bear witness' or 'be a witness' or 'be the witness' would work better.
Now, after that I'll need a month to prepare for the trip back home, I will settle other matters with members like Ashrod in that time, all the while preparing a final feast for those naive girls allowing me to get one step closer to bumping that useless old man off the throne, dispose that fat sow and make little Marianne disappear.
I'd break this into two or three sentences too as it is quite long, maybe ending the first one at 'home', or breaking it up else where in this piece of speech. I think 'dispose' should be 'disposing' and 'make' making' to fit in with 'bumping'
He's too young to ascend the throne, and even so he can't hold the position as long as he remains a part of the church. Leaving me to ascend in a time of crisis.
I'm not sure if 'even so' might work well as 'even then' or 'even when he has'. I'd maybe have 'leaving' as 'allowing' as you have used 'leaving' quite recently.
ignoring the protests of her stomach as Raquil became mindless as he was nearly suffocated in Hilga's crotch.
This sentence confused me, I'd work on rephrasing it. Wouldn't it be Raquil protesting not her stomach or the protests would be coming from her stomach? But then he isn't really in her stomach so I'd maybe leave that out, I'll leave it up to you to come up with something good but here's a possible way of writing it- 'ignoring the protests of Raquil as he became nearly suffocated in Hilga's crotch.'
She opened her eyes to see his beard drenched in saliva and her arousal and as he rose over her, finally freeing himself of his leather trousers,
I don't think you need 'and' before 'as he rose over her'.
She thought to herself, “I should have started manipulating men like this years ago... its more fun then turning those bitches against one another back at the palace.”
I'd maybe have this in italics as her thoughts to show more clearly that it is not spoken out loud
Overall: OK well that was very graphic I know you have a warning but I would think about toning it down, it came kind of out of the blue and I think it might be better to make it a bit lighter, although I do think you wrote this chapter really well
I noticed that you used 'moved' and 'placed' quite a few times and I think it was fine a couple of times but any more than that and it just seems a bit repetitive, so I'd maybe look into changing a couple to more descriptive actions I think you could also add in a bit more expressions onto the characters to get across how they are feeling or describing the tone of their voices. There are a lot of different emotions that crop up in this chapter and I think it would be good to get across how their feelings affect their actions and appearances.
The rest of things I noticed were just little mistakes and suggestions on changing some sentences so do whatever you like with them hope I've helped!
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