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Young Writers Society



Gaea - Chapter 8

by ~Excalibur~


Note: MATURE READERS ONLY. Read at your own discretion.

Some pretty heavy content in this piece. Lots of cursing and a pretty graphic sex scene. I've become happy with this piece only after continuing on and decided to keep it uncut in hopes mature readers will enjoy this. The unusual bond of hate, lust and domination which surrounds Raquil and Hilga takes shape here, and Raquil's attraction to her gets the better of him. If it is too intense (Nate's rule #10 says mature situations... but I don't know if it crosses that line.) I'll gladly edit it.

The only reason why it is like is because the dark beauty of Raquil and Hilga really needs to be captured and this scene embodies everything they are. Master and mistress, sadomasochists and a type of evil usually reserved for D&D campaigns.

If you are still reading, then on to the chapter!

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Chapter Eight

Hilga moved her foot down over Raquil's strong and thick, proud black hairy chest with her foot. She was careful to skip over patches of flesh she had cut into during the fight, gliding down towards his waist and the straining bulge in its leather confines. Her left arm sought out the wine bottle as he was distracted by her skillful footwork, now caressing it with delicate strokes, “Every kingdom needs a king, would you be interested in the job?”

“Damn! For a virgin bitch you are a true budding succubus!” Raquil pulled himself away from her ministrations to keep his head clear, but he was already dancing in the palm of her hand, “I'm not to keen on having a dagger implanted in my back.”

“Oh? You seem quite impervious to me,” Hilga sat up in his bed and looked down at her stained clothes with a frown, “No one will be fooled by these fake bloodstains.”

“Are all the women in your ranks the same as you?” Raquil became weak in her presence at last, she was just too much for him to handle.

“WHAT was that? Are you afraid of this body now?” she beckoned him closer with her left hand, still grasping the wine bottle.

“No, I... I meant-” he came closer as if pulled by an invisible leash around his neck.

“If you have a problem with me, speak up!” Hilga took a drink of his wine, guzzling it down all by herself.

“Will they give us trouble?” he spat out at last, his knees trembling at her immediate look of disgust.

“I will handle them personally.” she raised her right leg towards his protruding manhood and touched it weakly, “Size doesn't matter for guts, too bad. I thought you might be different.”

“I am not weak,” he asserted himself, climbing on top of her, but Hilga turned her head the other way, not even looking at him.

“You've broken my ribs, my entire right hand and still have the gall to say you are not weak when you are desperate for my attention?” Hilga pushed him off of her with both feet in a single powerful kick, sending the man onto the floor with a loud thud, “Break every bone in my body and I will still command you, men are beneath me and you know it.”

“What if I violate you?” Raquil pulled himself onto his knees and Hilga's feet came down to rest upon his head, using his thick matted hair as a foot stool.

“You'll just tire yourself out in a few minutes.” Hilga threw the glass bottle at the man, watching it bounce off his chest and shatter on the stone floor, shards scattering the room, “You have no power over me, you will make me an Ebon Master because I said so. You lost the moment you spared my life in the ring. And all because I spared yours, weakling.”

“What if we betray you?”

Hilga removed her feet from his head, allowing him to stand again, “Enough talking, pleasure me. Someone is coming.”

Raquil strained himself to feel the vibrations of approaching footsteps through the stone hallways outside his room, but could not hear anything. Hilga whispered so low that fear filled his body, knowing what would happen if the dead girl was really alive after the end of the fight, “Tear these rags off me and fondle me, beast.”

His hands went to work immediately, tearing open her shirt, revealing the unscarred flesh and her soft breasts in a single rip from her collar to the hem of her waist. The fine smell of powder and lilacs filled the room, an intoxicating smell ripe with the carnal scent mixed with her womanhood. Raquil's heart pounded in fear, in arousal and in absolute terror of what would befall him if he angered his new master. Her green eyes closed as she played dead with a final whisper, “Make it convincing.”

Raquil hastily pulled off her cotton leggings, exposing her pale legs and most beautiful flower in another powerful rip and clawing motion. He had not expected such a beauty to be devoid of hair except for that which rested upon her head. A loud clang at the door signalled that the girl had not lied to him. Fumbling at his own trousers his large digits betrayed him and he plunged his head into her flower, audibly kissing it as the door swung open.

“What the FUCK!?” the man screamed in surprise, his pained cry easily mistaken for a cauterized wound in the long corridors.

Closing the door behind him, the man grabbed Raquil by the shoulder and pulled him off the girl, “She's alive? What the fuck, man? I knew Neex was acting odd, but FUCK.”

“Kek, she's dead and you saw me kill her,” Raquil suddenly seemed good at lying, Hilga let out a brief breathe which went unnoticed by Kek, still in shock over what he is seeing.

“This is very bad! You know we can't be found out or draw any attention,” he continued on, holding his hand to his face and pacing around the room in wild circles.

“She's dead, watch,” Raquil wrapped his arm around her left leg and gave it a little squeeze signaling Hilga to keep quiet as went to break it. In a loud crack, the bone snapped and the girl did not in fact cry out, “Dead, see.”

“She could just be unconscious, that was a pretty rough hit you gave her,” Kek didn't believe Raquil and moved closer, “Let me listen to her heart.”

Raquil hesitated and Kek knew immediately, placing his hand on her neck, “She's IS alive. Not even he would lay his hands on this matter, finish her and let her become rat food at the altar.”

Raquil stood up and moved towards Kek, “Don't you dare, she is-”

“Dead.” Kek corrected himself as he pulled his hand off her neck, starting to laugh with worry, “She really is dead, no pulse.”

Raquil placed his hand against her neck and felt no pulse either, his voice quaked as he said, “Believe me now?”

“When you are finished, get her out of here. You are as fucking disgusting as that sick-fuck Tenji, you know that?” Kek turned his back on the girl, “I don't know what deal you had with Neex, but just make sure no one catches wind of it. Understood?”

“Got it, when are we returning to the capital?” Raquil asked.

“Three days. Dispose of it by then.” Kek shook his head as he opened the door and walked out, closing it behind him with a slam, “Sick fuck, thought I knew you too.”

Standing over Hilga, Raquil placed his hand over her heart and pushed down, the bed's frame creaking under the force, trying desperately to resuscitate her the bed's squeaking elicited one final, “Gah, FUCK!” From Kek who was lingering outside by door still.

Raquil lifted his head up to breathe for the girl, and her eyes snapped open as his lips met hers, her eyes gazed into his. Her left arm embraced him as she kissed him passionately without warning. Leaning into it, Raquil fell on top of her and broke only for a breath of air.

“Don't think you are the only one with a neat trick,” she said, “Though I don't think I will be able to walk for awhile.”

“Could have told me,” Raquil rolled off of her and laid by her side in the bed.

“There was no time,” she sighed, “We need to work on your lying under suspicion.. and your equally poor bedside skills.”

“Big words from a cold, virgin bitch.”

“Make that tongue of yours useful or hide me in the trunk,” Hilga tried to move her left leg, the painful response was clear enough that it would be a few weeks before she could even hope of walking on it.

Unexpectedly, he slipped off the bed and carefully slipped her legs over his shoulder, arching her back as he kissed her nether lips, slipping his tongue into her as she had when she kissed him. Hilga let out a soft contented moan of approval and started to dictate her plan to him, “So we leave this stinking hell in three days, it should take another three to reach the capital. Once there my injuries need time to heal, so you will hide me at your home. Send for Tenji from Marham, he will be witness to my initiation.”

Raquil mumbled something in between her tucked in velvet folds, start to seep fresh arousal from his attention. Hilga took her left hand and pushed his face down, “I don't care. More tongue, less bitching.”

“Now, after that I'll need a month to prepare for the trip back home, I will settle other matters with members like Ashrod in that time, all the while preparing a final feast for those naive girls allowing me to get one step closer to bumping that useless old man off the throne, dispose that fat sow and make little Marianne disappear. I'll leave the half-prince to you, while dealing with that brat Cardinal... He's too young to ascend the throne, and even so he can't hold the position as long as he remains a part of the church. Leaving me to ascend in a time of crisis.”

“Poison is too obvious, coup is subject to fail, but a plague should do the- ooh, yeah right there.”

Raquil's tongue found her clit at last and shut her up instantly. The woman slowly arched her hips up instinctively, ignoring the protests of her stomach as Raquil became mindless as he was nearly suffocated in Hilga's crotch. She had no plans for repaying him this night or the next, but she thought maybe she would one day, if and when she felt like it.

He spent the next hour giving her his full attention, probing the folds of her sex and becoming well acquainted with its scent and acidic taste, unable to tend to himself in the slightest. Finally the woman, who had for so long held his head in place, letting out a few moans here and there, let him up with a smile on her face, “I'm tired and content, so place me in the trunk and do whatever.”

She opened her eyes to see his beard drenched in saliva and her arousal and as he rose over her, finally freeing himself of his leather trousers, “No, don't you listen?”

Her bare foot pressed against his hot length and tried to bend it down, but it would not budge. Pleasantly surprised, she sat up and grasped it with her hand, “I suppose I could repay the favor... seeing as you earned it.”

Placing her lips upon the massive red tip, larger then any strawberry she had ever savored, she felt him shudder and go weak as her tongue danced lightly around the tip before she took in half of his length. Her left hand moved to gently coax him off with slow powerful strokes. Her first taste of a man was indeed pleasing, and she desired to make him belong to her, just to continue savoring the power she had when he was literally held in her hand. Pulling her mouth off his musky pride, Hilga asked with a lover's plea, “Will you wait until I ascend the throne before we become one?”

“Aye, I will. I promise,” he gasped, his voice shaky and hot as Hilga continued to bring him closer and closer to the edge, “You will be my first. Is that acceptable?”

“Yes, of course. Now, call me Lady Hilga,” she closed her mouth on his shaft again and proceded to shove his entire length into her mouth, some twenty five glorious centimeters of power and pleasure extended down her throat as she worked him closer and closer to the edge.

Unable to contain himself any longer, Raquil gasped, “Lady Hilga.” over and over as his orgasm began with several powerful throbs before bursting in a powerful explosion of pleasure paralleled only by the sight of a fallen foe, ravaged in a bloodbath of berserker rage. Five powerful bursts erupted down her throat before the man let out a weak gasp and pulled back and out from her mouth. He was finally brought to his knees by the woman's unrefined, but effective ministrations.

“Lady... Hilga... what did you do to me,” he struggled to stand, but his body was too heavy and hot to respond so quickly, “What.... demon magic? Witchcraft?”

“Love,” she cleverly said, “Something no common whore has to please her client, I give you my love and you give me yours. Together it becomes more then just sex. Don't you agree?”

“Love?” Raquil's head fell onto her right leg, “I need to tell-”

“You will not speak of it,” she interrupted him, running her hand through his thick, but soft long hair, “In time I will let you, but now is not the time.”

“What do we do now?”

“Now? Hide me in the trunk before you fall asleep and win tomorrow and the next day.”

Summoning the last of his strength, Raquil scooped up the woman in his arms and kissed her upon the forehead, “Sorry, about being so rough with you earlier.”

“Accepted,” she smiled up at him, “Just don't forget about me in here.”

“Don't say such things,” he said as he laid her down in the trunk, carefully placing her tucked in a fetal position, “I'll give you my meal in the morning. Good night, Lady Hilga.”

“Good night,” she said as he closed the lid and latched the trunk shut. She thought to herself, “I should have started manipulating men like this years ago... its more fun then turning those bitches against one another back at the palace.”


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233 Reviews


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Thu Apr 23, 2009 4:23 pm
Pippiedooda wrote a review...



Hi sorry it has taken me so long! If I leave it a while in between reviews don't worry about PMing me to nudge me into writing the next one, I sometimes just forget :P

Hilga moved her foot down over Raquil's strong and thick, proud black hairy chest with her foot


I don't think you need 'with her foot' on the end here.

he came closer as if pulled by an invisible leash around his neck.


I think you could say something better than 'came closer' here, maybe 'drew closer' or as you have just said 'closer' perhaps replacing it with 'nearer' or something similar.

Hilga took a drink of his wine, guzzling it down all by herself.


It's not really hard to drink things by yourself :P I think it sounded a bit strange here, maybe leave out 'all by herself' or change it to something like 'in one long swig' to describe her drinking it a bit more.

“Will they give us trouble?” he spat out at last,



the use of 'spat out' here made it sound for a moment like he was saying it angrily when he isn't, maybe 'blurted' or just 'asked' would more fit in with him being nervous about asking the question :)

touched it weakly,



You use 'weak' quite a bit throughout this piece and I think that's mostly fine but I'd maybe change it here as it seemed a bit too much and I think you can easily replace it with something like 'lightly'.

sending the man onto the floor with a loud thud,


I think you could say something better than 'onto the floor' here, like 'crashing to the floor' or 'tumbling to the floor' to better describe the action.

shards scattering the room


I'd maybe add 'across' here after 'scattering' :P

you will make me an Ebon Master because I said so


I'm not sure if 'say' would work better here than 'said'.

Hilga whispered so low that fear filled his body, knowing what would happen if the dead girl was really alive after the end of the fight,


I'd maybe have this as two sentence, perhaps ending the first at 'filled his body' and then start the knew one as 'He knew'.

still in shock over what he is seeing.


I think 'was' might be better than 'is' here.

You know we can't be found out or draw any attention,” he continued on, holding his hand to his face and pacing around the room in wild circles.


I'd maybe add 'to ourselves' after 'attention' as the sentence seems kind of incomplete to me. I'd either have 'he continued on' as 'he continued' or 'he carried on'. Instead of just 'to his face' maybe 'to cover his face' would be more appropriate as then it stops him from seeing what he can see?

signaling Hilga to keep quiet as went to break it.


I'd add 'he' before 'went' but I think you could maybe say something better than 'went' like 'tensed' here to show what he is actually doing.

Kek didn't believe Raquil and moved closer


generally I think you are really good at describing people motions throughout your story and how they react to things, here though when you say 'Kek didn't believe Raquil' you are more telling the reader something they can already infer from what he says. I don't think you need it and I'd either leave it out or replace it with something that gives more information on how he appears not to believe him, like frowning or shooting him strange glances or perhaps commenting on his tone as he spoke.

Raquil hesitated and Kek knew immediately, placing his hand on her neck,


He doesn't really know as he finds out he is wrong in a moment, so maybe something about leaping to conclusions or suspicions heightening would be better here.

closing it behind him with a slam, “Sick fuck, thought I knew you too.”


'slamming it behind him' might be easier here and I think you could add something about how Raquil can hear him talking, like from behind the wood or muffled slightly by the wood of the door as it made me think for a moment that he was back in the room :)

Standing over Hilga, Raquil placed his hand over her heart and pushed down, the bed's frame creaking under the force, trying desperately to resuscitate her the bed's squeaking elicited one final, “Gah, FUCK!” From Kek who was lingering outside by door still.


I'd maybe break this up into two sentences, maybe ending the first at 'force' and then having the second as 'As he tried desperately'. I think 'by door' should be 'the door' here as well.

Raquil lifted his head up to breathe for the girl, and her eyes snapped open as his lips met hers, her eyes gazed into his.


You repeat 'eyes' here so I'd maybe change the last part to something like 'their gaze locking.'

he will be witness to my initiation.”


I'm not sure if it should be 'be witness' here, maybe 'bear witness' or 'be a witness' or 'be the witness' would work better.

Now, after that I'll need a month to prepare for the trip back home, I will settle other matters with members like Ashrod in that time, all the while preparing a final feast for those naive girls allowing me to get one step closer to bumping that useless old man off the throne, dispose that fat sow and make little Marianne disappear.


I'd break this into two or three sentences too as it is quite long, maybe ending the first one at 'home', or breaking it up else where in this piece of speech. I think 'dispose' should be 'disposing' and 'make' making' to fit in with 'bumping' :)

He's too young to ascend the throne, and even so he can't hold the position as long as he remains a part of the church. Leaving me to ascend in a time of crisis.


I'm not sure if 'even so' might work well as 'even then' or 'even when he has'. I'd maybe have 'leaving' as 'allowing' as you have used 'leaving' quite recently.

ignoring the protests of her stomach as Raquil became mindless as he was nearly suffocated in Hilga's crotch.


This sentence confused me, I'd work on rephrasing it. Wouldn't it be Raquil protesting not her stomach or the protests would be coming from her stomach? But then he isn't really in her stomach so I'd maybe leave that out, I'll leave it up to you to come up with something good but here's a possible way of writing it- 'ignoring the protests of Raquil as he became nearly suffocated in Hilga's crotch.'

She opened her eyes to see his beard drenched in saliva and her arousal and as he rose over her, finally freeing himself of his leather trousers,


I don't think you need 'and' before 'as he rose over her'.

She thought to herself, “I should have started manipulating men like this years ago... its more fun then turning those bitches against one another back at the palace.”


I'd maybe have this in italics as her thoughts to show more clearly that it is not spoken out loud :)

Overall: OK well that was very graphic :shock: I know you have a warning but I would think about toning it down, it came kind of out of the blue and I think it might be better to make it a bit lighter, although I do think you wrote this chapter really well :)

I noticed that you used 'moved' and 'placed' quite a few times and I think it was fine a couple of times but any more than that and it just seems a bit repetitive, so I'd maybe look into changing a couple to more descriptive actions :) I think you could also add in a bit more expressions onto the characters to get across how they are feeling or describing the tone of their voices. There are a lot of different emotions that crop up in this chapter and I think it would be good to get across how their feelings affect their actions and appearances.

The rest of things I noticed were just little mistakes and suggestions on changing some sentences so do whatever you like with them :D hope I've helped!




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Mon Feb 23, 2009 10:26 am
Nutty wrote a review...



0.0

Uh...
Well, there was a warning. Lol.

Fumbling at his own trousers his large digits betrayed him and he plunged his head into her flower, audibly kissing it as the door swung open.

>.< Which head? The first time I read it, I assumed it was the....lower one.

*coughs* I must say, that was rather descriptive. Pretty much the most descriptive scene I've seen in a novel. And I read adult fiction a lot. And play D&D. XD


his pained cry easily mistaken for a cauterized wound in the long corridors.

You don't need this description. It's rather unnecessary, and is surplus in an already descriptive section.

Raquil's tongue found her clit at last and shut her up instantly.

It's not that hard to find. XD
larger then any strawberry she had ever savored,

Hate to say it, but this is a little corny.

Her first taste of a man was indeed pleasing,

remove 'indeed'.
“You will be my first. Is that acceptable?”

Come now, he can't be a virgin too? That's rather unlikely.

proceded to shove his entire length into her mouth,

Shove? that's a little rough, I would think.

Anyway! There's not much plot to work on here. So I will leave that for now.
While I don't really mind scenes such as this, be wary. Some would consider it pornographic.
But then sex scenes are the writer's choice.

Whew...

-Nutty





If I had control over the quote generator, I feel like I would put half of YWS in it.
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