Gaea - Chapter 2

Note: As much as I hate putting up another piece of work when chapter 1 has no reviews, I am hoping that those who have read it are pondering their review. Whether this is or is not the case I've decided to put the second chapter up, second chapter being used loosely as it is broken for YWS. Bit of drama in this, so I put pg-13 just to be safe. Enjoy.

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Chapter Two

Though the sun had not set, the dense canopy created early nightfall an hour sooner then expected, yet this fact seemed to be elusive under Raye's watch. He deeply hated to admit he was wrong, but as the early darkness fell over the land, he was somewhat pleased to be safely inside the tiniest noble house in all of existence. Three tiny rooms comprised the living room, the bedroom and a store room. Dried herbs hung low over the hearth, filling the room with various spices slightly offensive to his nose.

All three sat in uncomfortable wooden chairs made of a timber of red color with no care taken for posterior issues. A fourth chair, a rickety stool sat in the corner and despite Raye's affinity for three legged seats, Aphonia seemed adamant about preventing him from laying a single finger upon it. Let alone his dirty boots. A table hewn from the trunk of a tree was the table, hundreds of rings radiated out from a star-shaped center, its perfection went entirely unnoticed under a wooden bowl of sticky fruits, apricots and apple-shaped grapes of questionable origin.

Upon their arrival, Aphonia graciously poured red wine for the Cardinal and Raye, but so far only the young boy had taken an interest, but carefully danced his soft fingers around the edges as if trying to elicit a musical tone from within throughout a length catching up conversation. Raye grumbled under his breath as Cardinal Wentz and Lady Aphonia seemed to talk unceasingly about every topic he never knew. Not because he was unfamiliar with the matter, but half of a discussion, led entirely by a mute girl was impossibly difficult to follow without a writing tablet he could peek at and at least pretend to understand. The young Cardinal started dropping words he never knew existed, “Yes! Her conservatory pilaster stanchions were quite remarkable. Just like the panorama paintings of De'Jule.”

“What?” Raye thought to himself, “Was that even Frae or is he just stringing together together words to make me feel stupid? How can a child a year past his fourth rite know what those words mean!?”

“Only Flippi-des stan-cions are remarkable,” he said out loud in protest to their one-sided conversation. Unfortunately, he learned that Aphonia could laugh at him when he said something stupid. Even without a voice she was capable of expressing herself in painfully clear giggles.

“Ah, I'm sorry Raye.” Wentz lied, “We were just discussing architecture.”

“This house sucks.” Raye tried, again. Aphonia laughed, again.

“You can go to the tavern if you wish, Brother Raye. Perhaps you should regal them on your past exploits,” Wentz picked up the glass goblet in his hand and downed the red wine all at once, “I have no intention of holding you against your will.”

“My lord! Do not be so cold to me, I beg you.” Raye turned his attention to Aphonia, eyes filled with distrust, “I simply cannot leave you in the presence of this woman. She is only fifteen, sixteen at most. She would not be able to act to save your life...”

A blush spread across the girl's face as she turned away in feigned anger, sticking her thumb up in the air at Raye, most expressively. Wentz smirked to himself and corrected Raye, for even his retainer could not possibly know all situations prior to his assignment, “Looks can be deceiving, can they not? I will not go into specifics, out of respect, but know this: She, nay her entire linage, are unparalleled retainers of royalty and blessed with longevity of nobility.”

“Longevity, it is always about that? Those descended from Vale may live longer, should they reach it, but even three passing decades of peace do not guarantee immunity from the sword or disease. She is too naive to be trusted,” Raye unsheathed his blue dagger and pointed it Aphonia with a wicked grin on his face, “What would you do if I intended to kill you?”

Aphonia looked closely at the countless ripples in the blue damascus blade and started to laugh uncontrollably. Wentz quickly hopped off his chair and retreated to safety, knowing full well what was about to happen to the shockingly slow Raye. This struggle for power and favor on his behalf was unbelievably vain. Should he have reached the age of maturity, Raye would know that to question a silver-eyed noble was to risk death. For the questioning the descendants of the Goddess Vale, or harassing them in any form, was all too likely to incur the wrath of the heavens. And as Aphonia's laughter fell silent, cold and murderous eyes fixated on the foolish retainer.

Aphonia's hand shot from the table faster then the eye could see, like an arrow released from a long bow. With power akin to a cannon ball, her fist slammed into Raye's gut, the wooden chair's back snapped and broke under the crushing force of the hit. Bounding out of her chair, Aphonia's lifted her leg as the collapsing chair brought Raye hard down to the floor. In fact, he was still suspended in mid-air as this miraculous feat of inhuman speed was accomplished. Raye's eyes caught the sight of beautiful white silk panties under the skirt first, a key mistake, before realizing all too late that her right leg was about to explosively drop down upon his chest. The would be fatal blow was prevented only by her superb control, for that powerful kick stopped just several centimeters over his heart.

“Holy crap, what... what are you?” Raye gasped for breath, struggling to comprehend what had happened in that split second exchange.

“A true retainer. Something you will become in time.” Wentz spoke for Aphonia, “You are looking upon a paladin, far beyond the strength of those of the Heavenly Snow. Please understand that this girl has mastered her body and mind in ways that surpass those of the monks of the east. Lady Aphonia is a force to be reckoned with, challenging her is sheer stupidity.”

“My lord, she is the same as you?”

“No. Higher then I,” Wentz starred at the battle-ready Aphonia with awe, “My father spoke to me about the legendary retainers, executioners, judges and servants of Vale. It comes as no surprise, but she is one of the most loyal and trustworthy allies of the Order. Fate has conspired against us, but luck is on our side. She lived.”

“She lived?” Raye repeated as he got to his feet, his aching body protested unmercifully, but the man's will was not easily broken by pain, or logic for that matter.

“She survived execution. The price paid was her voice, but in this world it might as well have been her life,” Wentz continued, mulling over thoughts in his head as he spoke, “Yes, commoners, as well as those outside the gates, cannot write or read. Without the reins of power, a death sentence, even though it had failed... a self-imposed exile is as good as death itself for those in the palace. Perhaps even better then death itself.”

Brother Raye coughed up some blood onto the floor as he held his chest, daring not to look at the immense damage caused by her fist, possibly breaking his ribs, “What does that have to do with us?”

“Everything. My father's miracle was to hide her where even the angels could not find. She is the rightful retainer of the Cardinal. The very first SS.”

Enduring the pain again, he immediately kneeled before Aphonia, lowering his head almost to the ground in apology, “Forgive me, Sister Aphonia. My distrust was unfounded. I act only for the protection of my lord.” If he had accomplished anything by rote, it was apologies. After all his thick-headedness seemingly knew no bounds.

Aphonia shook her head and beckoned him to rise with her hand and Wentz acted as her voice as she bestowed an unusual honor upon Raye, “Without voice of my own such complications are unavoidable at times, yet I do believe you are true to your word and duty. Please allow me to assist in this assignment, to repay the debt I owe to the late Cardinal Wentz.”

“Truly, he was a saint.” Raye said from his lowly position..

“It may be my own selfish will, but I wish to see the young Cardinal Wentz successful in this bold undertaking, for even I have deep suspicions about this situation. I have no intention to usurp your position, so please stand and allow me to accompany you on this mission, Brother Raye.”

Raye slowly got to his feet once more, embarrassment still spread across his face for provoking his senior, yet somehow younger appearing Cardinal's SS. Cardinal Louis Wentz was just eight years old by calendar, yet the late Cardinal Albert Wentz was just over thirty when the first appointed SS, Adina, took his side. Though Albert Wentz lived into his sixties, his announced passing placed the Cardinal's young son and him upon the seat of power, just one year ago. By all accounts, if Lady Aphonia was indeed the first SS, she would be over fifty years old. It seem impossible, but this soft-faced girl was a killer and a cruel one at that.

At last he understood the words of Albert, it became clear once he placed the face of Aphonia in the gruesome battle scenes and how 'Silver-eyed demon' entered into infamy. The terror and confusion that spread through the ranks as this monster wrought a path of untold devastation and calamity under the skies choked with smoke and under a rain of ash and cinder. The recorded words the lucky survivors, who lay unscathed in a massacre brought by her hand and in particular the one enemy protected by her hand..

“Drenched in the blood of my comrades and brothers, the SED swung the chains of her imprisonment as a flail. A bludgeon of unbelievable strength, smashing skulls and crushing armor like foil. Screaming an unending cry for the Cardinal, her voice hit with the concussion of a bomb. The moment her eyes fixated upon me, I fell to the ground and death grabbed my shoulder and began to lead me away from this hell. The sky burst and a pain indescript attacked my body. Before I passed, she straddled me and protected me from the white death. When I awoke the ground all around me had turned to slag, not even the bones or armor remained of the fallen. In my dreams I can still feel her eyes upon me, and the caress of a bloodied hand and her wish 'Live on.'”

The true power of nobility was beyond the grasp of imagination, but throughout history few records exist that the silver-eyed nobles retain the power of angels, able to summon the power's of the goddess at a moment's notice. Cardinal Wentz, even as a child, had an intellect far beyond his years and seemingly endless source of abilities for language, trade and diplomacy. The secrets of divine power were amazingly well hidden within church, and in time he too would come to know the details of his sacred mission. Only then would he be able to comprehend the true greatness of the Cardinal and Lady Aphonia.

“It would be an honor,” Brother Raye replied to Aphonia with sincerity.

“Pardon me, but of the matter of the tainted beast...” Wentz pointed to the bucket which contained the dead fox, which was pooled in its own blood, “It should be destroyed as soon as possible.”

Once again Wentz spoke for Aphonia, primarily for Raye's understanding and invitation, “Ah, after work she'll have the chief take care of the matter. She promises it won't take too long, but we should come along to tie up matters with the outbreak here.”

“I could go for a drink myself,” admitted Raye, settling the matter without bringing up any unpleasant matters with expectations or duties, “I'll let you handle any sticky situations if they come up, Sister.”

Aphonia rolled her eyes and grabbed the bucket from beside the table and thrust it into Raye's chest as she commanded him clearly so even he could understand her, “Hold.”

Looking down into the fox's fur stained with curdled and dried blood, Brother Raye grimaced and spit on the rabid fox, enjoying a victorious moment over the dead animal which he played no part in killing. Except for its provocation, which he seemed to excel in entirely unwillingly.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Pippiedooda
Review

Hi there :) This is written extremely well, I love how you have revealed more and yet there is still a sense of so much more to come :D I've got some suggestions, but they are mostly my opinion so don't pay any attention to them if you have a different one :)

he was somewhat pleased to be safely inside the tiniest noble house in all of existence. Three tiny rooms comprised the living room,


As you have just said 'tiniest' I'd use maybe something other than tiny to describe the three rooms.

Upon their arrival, Aphonia graciously poured red wine for the Cardinal and Raye, but so far only the young boy had taken an interest, but carefully danced his soft fingers around the edges as if trying to elicit a musical tone from within throughout a length catching up conversation.


I think Nutty mentioned previously about this sentence being a bit confusing and how to rearrange it :)

Was that even Frae or is he just stringing together together words to make me feel stupid?


together is repeated- is that intentional? :oops:

Raye unsheathed his blue dagger and pointed it Aphonia with a wicked grin on his face, “What would you do if I intended to kill you?”


'pointed it at Aphonia' might flow a bit better. I'd maybe say where he is pointing it to- her chest/throat or whatever.

For the questioning the descendants of the Goddess Vale, or harassing them in any form


I think it should either be 'for the questioning of the descendants' or 'for questioning the descendants'.

Wentz starred at the battle-ready Aphonia with awe,


Starred should be stared :)

It comes as no surprise, but she is one of the most loyal and trustworthy allies of the Order.


I'm not completely sure but wouldn't this make more sense as 'It comes as no surprise that she is one of the most loyal and trustworthy allies of the order.'?

Without the reins of power, a death sentence, even though it had failed... a self-imposed exile is as good as death itself for those in the palace. Perhaps even better then death itself.”


I found this a bit confusing- I'm not completely sure what you mean by 'even though it had failed...' and in the last part are you saying that the sentence is worse than death? If so I would change the last sentence to 'Perhaps even worse.' leaving out 'then death itself' for a more dramatic effect. :)

Brother Raye coughed up some blood onto the floor as he held his chest


I'm not that keen on 'some blood'- I'd maybe rephrase this to something like 'Brother Raye coughed, spitting a mouthful of blood onto the floor as he held his chest.'

Raye said from his lowly position..


You've got a double full stop here :)

It seem impossible, but this soft-faced girl was a killer and a cruel one at that.


I think seem should be seemed.

the one enemy protected by her hand..


Another double full stop.

Brother Raye grimaced and spit on the rabid fox,


I think spit should be spat.

Overall: Great next chapter! There's quite a bit of mystery which is good for keeping the story interesting, I really want to find out where this is going :) There's a lot that hasn't been explained but I think that's OK for now, you have described the fight scene and environment really effectively I think :D, I'm also getting more of a sense of each of their characters- The only one thing I think could be improved upon overall would be after the fight scene what happens to Aphonia- you show her stopping herself from dealing Raye a fatal blow but then just kind of leave her there for a while as the others talk. I think you could add something in as to what she is doing and how she looks.

Hope I've helped! :D

User avatar
Nutty
Review
Nutty wrote a review · Sat Feb 21, 2009 11:51 am

All three sat in uncomfortable wooden chairs made of a timber of red color with no care taken for posterior issues.

Woah. Sometimes it's nice to have the simple version, you know? 'Rough chairs of red timber' would work just as fine here.


A fourth chair, a rickety stool sat in the corner and despite Raye's affinity for three legged seats, Aphonia seemed adamant about preventing him from laying a single finger upon it.

Comma after 'stool', you've added information...so on so forth, I've said it in the earlier review.

but so far only the young boy had taken an interest, but carefully danced his soft fingers around the edges as if trying to elicit a musical tone from within throughout a length catching up conversation.

Huh? *blinks and reads again* Remove the second 'but', and make 'danced' 'dancing'. A lengthy conversation, maybe? And wouldn't they be concentrating on reading the woman's lips, not trying to make a glass ring? Reading lips isn't easy, even for those who are trained for it, you have to watch carefully. Mouth 'colourful' to someone and see the shocked reaction if you don't believe me- misreadings would be easy. And I thought only crystal glass rang. Plus this sentence is hugely long, you should only have one idea to a sentence.
>.<;

.. words to make me feel stupid? How can a child a year past his fourth rite know what those words mean!?”

So they are writing? >.< I'm confused, why would he be writing, he could just reply orally, and... he can read lips. This has me all confused, now. 0.o
Even without a voice she was capable of expressing herself in painfully clear giggles.

Wait, what? Has her tongue been removed? It can't be her vocal chords...





Hahah, I was almost hoping she would kill him... would have been an unexpected twist.

able to summon the power's


viewarticlebody.php?t=35798

Read that, and learn the rules of the apostrophe. :wink:

Okay, the lord is five years old? That's a tad extreme, even if Raye is older. There are references to acts that Raye has commited to put him and his lord in danger before, so why would he be trusted alone to protect someone of such importance? Someone with these 'silver eyes' would be a target for many, and would cause distrust in many others. Consider how many of the public distrust the police force- these 'nobleman's eyes' would have a similar effect.
Therefore, one fairly junior 'SS' would not, usually, be judged enough protection.

Though, they plot itself seems interesting, but I haven't the foggiest idea on what they are doing. A bit more information would be welcome, even if the information is just on how they feel about their mission, if you wish to keep the quest itself quiet for now.

But overall, I enjoy reading this- I like your style of writing- not too formal, but not amateurish either. I can relate to this style, which is a big plus.

-Nutty

User avatar
~Excalibur~
Comment

Thanks for the review. Sorry that I don't have much to tear into.

Soft is an unnecessary adjective, I'll strip it from the hardcopy for the next edit post. I think I mentioned 'Adina' here as well. I had to fix that up for some emotion in chapter 4 which is now up.

The 'quickly enough' part I just don't know, the way Raye speaks is blunt and to the point, but then again your suggestion makes sense as well. And given her amazing speed, it drives a point home which I failed to get the irony out of. :) Good catch, I'll wrestle with this one and probably add it.

As for the rest of your corrections, all good points. Seems I still have blunders with unnecessary adjectives. Thanks for catching so much, everything you caught evaded my own edit. Hope you liked the story so far, even though it is the very beginning!

User avatar
PhoenixBishop
Review

~Excalibur~ wrote:Note: As much as I hate putting up another piece of work when chapter 1 has no reviews, I am hoping that those who have read it are pondering their review. Whether this is or is not the case I've decided to put the second chapter up, second chapter being used loosely as it is broken for YWS. Bit of drama in this, so I put pg-13 just to be safe. Enjoy.

----------------

Chapter Two


All three sat in uncomfortable wooden chairs made of a timber of red color with no care taken for posterior issues. A fourth chair, a rickety stool sat in the corner and despite Raye's affinity for three legged seats, Aphonia seemed adamant about preventing him from laying a single finger upon it. Let alone his dirty boots. A table hewn from the trunk of a tree was the table, hundreds of rings radiated out from a star-shaped center, its perfection went entirely unnoticed under a wooden bowl of sticky fruits, apricots and apple-shaped grapes of questionable origin.


Before I said that you were too detailed, but this is amazing. The detail pushes this along very well

but carefully danced his soft fingers around the edges


His fingers being soft have nothing to do with anything. If you really want it use it when he's touching someone or contrast it with the picking up of a weapon.








She would not be able to act to save your life...”


She would not be able to act quickly enough to save your life.


Your stories world is extremely detailed and complex. How long did it take you to put this all together.

Aphonia looked closely at the countless ripples in the blue damascus blade and started to laugh uncontrollably.


not needed



Wentz quickly hopped off his chair and retreated to safety,


hopped is to light of a word for the seriousness of this moment. Use back peddled or something else of that nature.




Aphonia's hand shot from the table faster then the eye could see, like an arrow released from a long bow. With power akin to a cannon ball, her fist slammed into Raye's gut, the wooden chair's back snapped and broke under the crushing force of the hit. Bounding out of her chair, Aphonia's lifted her leg as the collapsing chair brought Raye hard down to the floor. In fact, he was still suspended in mid-air as this miraculous feat of inhuman speed was accomplished. Raye's eyes caught the sight of beautiful white silk panties under the skirt first, a key mistake, before realizing all too late that her right leg was about to explosively drop down upon his chest. The would be fatal blow was prevented only by her superb control, for that powerful kick stopped just several centimeters over his heart.



excellent detail in fight




Aphonia rolled her eyes and grabbed the bucket from beside the
table and thrust it into Raye's chest
as she commanded him clearly so even he could understand her, “Hold.”


causing him to let out a silent groan. Or something that shows he's still in a little pain.




I think the main reason no one reviews your stuff is because there isn't much to critique. The people here like to take out their red pens and tear stories apart. There really isn't anything major that is wrong. Word choice here and there, but detail, characterization, and flow are all great. I'll happily read more.



Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data