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Young Writers Society



Gaea - Chapter 10

by ~Excalibur~


Note: This was modified after I was unhappy with the change of POV, so while this takes place at 11:30ish in the timeline, the scene with the three kings and Raye's scene will be pushed back for the sake of completeness. Next chapter will show a battle between the Cardinal and Tenji, hopefully it will be more promising then the scenes in 5, 6 and 9 which were all fake fights with one party going in to lose. It will finally be a kill or be killed one. Not too much here, just moving the characters along and setting up the details for the fight.

If this was Bleach/Naruto/DBZ this chapter would comprise an entire episode. :lol:

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Chapter 10

Leaus ran through the mud and dirt towards the entrance of the temple, the rain soaking him through, but he cared not. His stubby fingers flung open the door and he ran inside shouting at the top of his lungs, “Master Raquil! Master Neex! MASTER RAQUIL! MASTER NEEX!”

Neex's footsteps on the stone filled the hallway as he came running towards Leaus, “Is it over already?”

Leaus grabbed his soiled cloak and dragged him towards the door by the hem, “The Cardinal was a fake, I am not sure what is going on, but Tenji says we need to run into the swamps.”

Neex's eyes saw the pile of bodies and he clenched his teeth, “You realize how much we are going to lose by this?”

“I know! I know! At least grab the chest as you go, I can't carry it!”

“But what about-”

“I need to get Master Raquil! Just go!” Leaus pushed Neex outside, “Its time to save our own skins, forget about Leo. I'm sure Raquil can carry him. Now go!”

Neex stepped out into the rain and ran towards the tents to grab Neex's box, wondering how much silver and gold coins were left in the pile of corpses on the ring. Slipping and falling into the muddy earth, he clawed at the ground and shot again at the tent, like a track runner. Spotting the wooden chest on the table he grabbed it as he ran past and took off at full run down the hill towards the swamps, the figures of three people disappearing into the thicket showed him the way as he cried out, “Wait! Wait! I'm coming.”

Rushing down the corridors, Leaus started pounding on each of the cell doors, crying out “Master Raquil!” The banging stirred Raquil from his bed just as he had laid down, the voice of Leaus was troubling and he rushed for the door and called out, “What is wrong?”

On the far end, Leaus saw Raquil's door open and he stopped cold, turning back and fleeing towards the entrance, “Tenji came, run into the swamps! We need to get out of here now. If you can't move, kill yourself! If you can, get Leo from the morgue and Case from under the main tent! Good luck!”

“Wait, what?” Raquil shouted at the fleeing man.

“Forget it, just get out of here. NOW!” Leaus cried out as he disappeared behind the thick walls of the temple.

With a look back to his trunk, Raquil through on his leather clothes before opening up the locks to free Hilga.

“I thought you were going to carry me in this thing,” she laughed, “I can't walk.”

Placing his hand on her broke leg, Raquil pushed down with all his weight. Hilga let a weak cry of pain and quickly kicked her legs at Raquil, “Damn, that hurts you know. Hey... how did you-”

“I'll explain on the way,” Raquil ran out the door, “Don't forget your armor, its at the morgue.”

Hilga growled as she ran after Raquil, her own speed overtaking him just a quarter of the way down the long corridor. The woman was like lightning on her feet, a sprinter beyond compare with control over her muscles to give seemingly unlimited endurance. Her naked behind, mocked his slowness as she disappeared down the end of the hall and luckily towards the morgue on the right.

As he raced after her, Hilga quickly found her armor and began throwing it on over her body, the cold steel spreading goosebumps over every pore on her arms and legs. The chainmail clung uncomfortably to her exposed breast and her legs would protest in agony as she tried to pull them on with one good hand. Somehow she managed to accomplish it through impressive dexterity of her hand and still grab her sword and dagger. And all before Raquil managed to clear the hallway!

Now, weighed down by her armor, her speed was still twice that of the hulking Raquil, yet she caught up with Raquil and stayed by his side, “You seriously can't do any faster then this? Yet, you are a bastard of nobility?”

“Wrong bloodline, I'm as common as a garden snake. I can just force muscle and bone together by concentrating on it.”

“Sounds fishy,” Hilga laughed, “Well, whatever you are. Thanks. We'd be dead if you had to carry me.”

“It's going to be tough going through the swampland. Speed means nothing in that muck. Even if we are expected, heavy armored knights cannot stand up if they fall. Drown in the mud.”

Hilga slapped him on the back, directly over her stab wound, “You better not let that happen to me.”

“Of course not!”

The two ran out of the temple and into a patch of thick grass down the hill, the stalks breaking as they tore through them. Raquil' massive frame sunk down into the mud and muck as soon as he hit the swamp and Hilga stopped cold, her hand extended to help him up, “Thanks, my lady.”

“Don't mention it,” the pale moonlight barely illuminating her face, just bright enough to see her smile.

The disgusting water was host to innumerable tangled roots, pads and reeds from the shore to the dark depths of the center. Up to their knees in the muck and mess, the sounds of horses broke through the rain and occasional rumble of thunder, inaudible shouts of orders echoed in the swamp and torch lights guided their way. The first units had arrived, no doubt trying to trap the Ebon Masters in the temple until the main force arrived. Slowly the two slipped away under the cover of darkness towards the great barrier jungle separating Frae and Fegoria.

Two kilometers away, the main force of the Temple Knights marched forward towards the temple. Two columns three men thick occupied the two roads to the temple. One to the south, headed to Jiken, and one to the northeast, towards the capital Rocheim. A torch in one hand and a spear in the other, the scarred faces of a ruthless army encroached upon their holy lands with metal studded jackboots and the exposed scars of prior battles made into medals of valor. Cardinal Belrusi had saw personally the success of this mission and stood on the banks of the swamp which was surrounded by the knights. The ultimate opponent of his funnel was the most powerful of all, himself and his two SS retainers, Amar and Kelric.

Trained assassins, Amar and Kelric represented the right and left arm of the Cardinal's power. Like marionettes controlled by a masterful puppeteer, their movements were fluid and unbound by the perceived limits of the body. Amar's body was fragile and thin under the bulky black cloak lined with an arsenal of swords, daggers and spears. He could provide an entire division of men with ample weapons if they had been all laid out. His beady eyes and hook nose made him resemble Neex, in about the same way a rat looks like a possum, both were ugly as sin and smelled just as bad.

Kelric was a man's man, a lumberjack beyond compare with a towering sword made for cleaving through horses and their riders in combat. Legs the size of tree trunks, and the strength of a raging bull, his flaming red hair made him appear to be a deity of all that was man. His black robe strained itself against his muscles, for even the slightest flex seemed ready to tear the cotton from its seams. His rough red beard covered the majority of his face from sight and his hood did much to hide all but his black eyes from the moonlight.

Resting their backs against the trees, the two watched the swamp without the aid of torchlight. Men of this caliber preferred to fight battles with every advantage in their favor, and when it was not, force an advantage. Their ears picked up the sounds of Tenji, Kek and Griff moving through the water first, and they simply waited to spring the trap upon the three when the moment was right, like an alligator, one lethal strike at their prey would mean the difference between success or failure.


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65 Reviews


Points: 2190
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Wed Apr 01, 2009 3:44 am
Pattycakes wrote a review...



Well, I've been sort of acting as the Patron Saint of unreviewed chapters lately. As someone who writes a lot of long stories it can get irritating to watch people who enthusiastically review early chapters forget and fade away and to be left post chapters in the teens with no feedback. So I read until I found an unreviewed chapter and thought I would give my overarching thoughts. I'm no grammar hack and not much of one for line-by-lines but here goes:

The theme for this review is crossing lines (and how often said lines should be crossed)

I think a interesting component of writing is when to stray from 'rules' (and I use that loosely) and when to break them. You don't want to be Strunk and White goodie two shoes but you don't want to be (to paraphrase Dave Chappelle) a 'habitual line stepper' either. A couple examples are to follow.

Can you, describe, the ruckus sir?
You're really gifted at descriptive writing. Some of these objects or scenes breathe and shift on my computer. The fight scenes in particular have some very compelling moments BUT... I think a question that you should be asking yourself fairly constantly when you right this descriptions is "What's the point of each word in that last sentence." Because some times we really do need to now everything about a chair. And sometimes a chair is just a chair, and you would do well to move the hell on.
Because I have (to use a symbolically needlessly complex analogy) what could be described as a limited amount of 'purple prose pennies' that I can insert into your gumball machine of delicious story. And when I run out of those pennies I get bored and start wandering around the rest of the store. Basically, too much description causes my eyes to skip over sentences and miss things. Not good. I would honestly say in many sentences there is an entire word that really is just there to be there.

Lordy the Lore
Again, a mixed bag. Some parts were extremely intuitive (the little bit with the epic poem was incredible) but other parts were flying by me at such a pace (I'll get to this later) that I thought, "The whoosey, dowhistles, the what now?" Don't try and make chapters into sections from a history book (i.e. chapter five) because it just jerks me out of the flow of your narrative. The lore should augment your story, not the other way around. Also on a sidenote, 'SS' is instantly recognized by me as the Nazi outfit. Hitler corrupted that acronym the same way he did the image of the swastika and the 'nazi salute'. What that means is its very difficult for me to divorce my mind from that and makes it downright weird to read it in other contexts, especially when an author isn't being ironic about it.

Let's talk about sex baby
I can appreciate this scene for what it is, but I really do think it was laughably written. In comparison to your mature prose elsewhere, it was kind of a shock. It was littered with standard sex scene metaphors (velvety folds, nether lips, musk etc.) that are just kind of lazy.
Certain aspects were uh, ridiculous: what guy eats a girl out for a half an hour. What girl doesn't get bored? She deep throats a 25 centimeter (9.8 inch) penis? Anatomically that's absurd. No hymen/blood to be found on our sweet virgin? This surely whore tested man can't find her clitoris? Not real quality stuff unfortunately. Like I appreciate the power dynamic shown, but you don't execute it very well.

Precocious
I really shouldn't keep forgetting Wentz is a kid. I've met a ton of 'mature for their age' kids but they all also still have childish lapses and impulses. Not so much with this kid. I understand that that's probably your point, but it still hurts his characterization.

Don't pass the pace car
There's a lot going on in this book and not a lot of time to digest it. It seems like every chapter three massive new characters and a massive event are happening and it overloads the stimulus. And then that character goes away for a chapter. And then they're back, but they're tough to remember because of all the new stuff they've been buried under. Countries, cities, magic swords, people are often introduced, not explained and then whisked away. It's a pain really. Subplots are flying around everywhere. You change story arcs after five chapters which is a little quick if you ask me.
When you don't slow down it becomes tough for me to care about each individual even which is unfortunate because there's some cool stuff going on.

What time period are we in again
You have a bit of a strange habit of combo-ing lofty high English style speaking with slang english in the sort of way that is jarring to me. And it's not always about class either, like the rich people talk this way and the soldiers talk this way. It's more like characters just diving out of their skin randomly for a piece of dialouge before diving back in.

Prolougue
Not very gripping. It's tough for a new reader to get into it and on this site where you deal with kids that may have the attention spans of 13 year olds (because, well, they're 13) that's bad news bears. I'd almost just axe it entirely.

Okay, I'm sure there's more I have to say, but I'm tired. With all that criticism said, I think this story is extremely ambitious and I think you are a wonderfully skilled writer. The fight scenes were fantastic, the settings interesting and well portrayed, the lore fresh, and you aren't afraid to take a risk with the story line. You also seem to be very committed to your work which I love to see. I think this story is a few tweaks away from being really great and I enjoyed reading it. Feel free to PM me if you have questions.

-Pattycakes





When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind