Well, I've been sort of acting as the Patron Saint of unreviewed chapters lately. As someone who writes a lot of long stories it can get irritating to watch people who enthusiastically review early chapters forget and fade away and to be left post chapters in the teens with no feedback. So I read until I found an unreviewed chapter and thought I would give my overarching thoughts. I'm no grammar hack and not much of one for line-by-lines but here goes:
The theme for this review is crossing lines (and how often said lines should be crossed)
I think a interesting component of writing is when to stray from 'rules' (and I use that loosely) and when to break them. You don't want to be Strunk and White goodie two shoes but you don't want to be (to paraphrase Dave Chappelle) a 'habitual line stepper' either. A couple examples are to follow.
Can you, describe, the ruckus sir?
You're really gifted at descriptive writing. Some of these objects or scenes breathe and shift on my computer. The fight scenes in particular have some very compelling moments BUT... I think a question that you should be asking yourself fairly constantly when you right this descriptions is "What's the point of each word in that last sentence." Because some times we really do need to now everything about a chair. And sometimes a chair is just a chair, and you would do well to move the hell on.
Because I have (to use a symbolically needlessly complex analogy) what could be described as a limited amount of 'purple prose pennies' that I can insert into your gumball machine of delicious story. And when I run out of those pennies I get bored and start wandering around the rest of the store. Basically, too much description causes my eyes to skip over sentences and miss things. Not good. I would honestly say in many sentences there is an entire word that really is just there to be there.
Lordy the Lore
Again, a mixed bag. Some parts were extremely intuitive (the little bit with the epic poem was incredible) but other parts were flying by me at such a pace (I'll get to this later) that I thought, "The whoosey, dowhistles, the what now?" Don't try and make chapters into sections from a history book (i.e. chapter five) because it just jerks me out of the flow of your narrative. The lore should augment your story, not the other way around. Also on a sidenote, 'SS' is instantly recognized by me as the Nazi outfit. Hitler corrupted that acronym the same way he did the image of the swastika and the 'nazi salute'. What that means is its very difficult for me to divorce my mind from that and makes it downright weird to read it in other contexts, especially when an author isn't being ironic about it.
Let's talk about sex baby
I can appreciate this scene for what it is, but I really do think it was laughably written. In comparison to your mature prose elsewhere, it was kind of a shock. It was littered with standard sex scene metaphors (velvety folds, nether lips, musk etc.) that are just kind of lazy.
Certain aspects were uh, ridiculous: what guy eats a girl out for a half an hour. What girl doesn't get bored? She deep throats a 25 centimeter (9.8 inch) penis? Anatomically that's absurd. No hymen/blood to be found on our sweet virgin? This surely whore tested man can't find her clitoris? Not real quality stuff unfortunately. Like I appreciate the power dynamic shown, but you don't execute it very well.
Precocious
I really shouldn't keep forgetting Wentz is a kid. I've met a ton of 'mature for their age' kids but they all also still have childish lapses and impulses. Not so much with this kid. I understand that that's probably your point, but it still hurts his characterization.
Don't pass the pace car
There's a lot going on in this book and not a lot of time to digest it. It seems like every chapter three massive new characters and a massive event are happening and it overloads the stimulus. And then that character goes away for a chapter. And then they're back, but they're tough to remember because of all the new stuff they've been buried under. Countries, cities, magic swords, people are often introduced, not explained and then whisked away. It's a pain really. Subplots are flying around everywhere. You change story arcs after five chapters which is a little quick if you ask me.
When you don't slow down it becomes tough for me to care about each individual even which is unfortunate because there's some cool stuff going on.
What time period are we in again
You have a bit of a strange habit of combo-ing lofty high English style speaking with slang english in the sort of way that is jarring to me. And it's not always about class either, like the rich people talk this way and the soldiers talk this way. It's more like characters just diving out of their skin randomly for a piece of dialouge before diving back in.
Prolougue
Not very gripping. It's tough for a new reader to get into it and on this site where you deal with kids that may have the attention spans of 13 year olds (because, well, they're 13) that's bad news bears. I'd almost just axe it entirely.
Okay, I'm sure there's more I have to say, but I'm tired. With all that criticism said, I think this story is extremely ambitious and I think you are a wonderfully skilled writer. The fight scenes were fantastic, the settings interesting and well portrayed, the lore fresh, and you aren't afraid to take a risk with the story line. You also seem to be very committed to your work which I love to see. I think this story is a few tweaks away from being really great and I enjoyed reading it. Feel free to PM me if you have questions.
-Pattycakes
Points: 2190
Reviews: 65
Donate