Note: This piece is probably the last that I will put up as PG-13 as it starts to pick up the speed and maturity level in the next chapters. Nevertheless this is a good chapter and I hope you enjoy it.
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Chapter Five
Tossing and turning in her sleep, the nightmares reigned supreme once more. The events of thirty years ago relived countless times would be relived once more. She stood helpless as an observer unable to impart a change or turn away from the girl she once was all those days so long past. Beginning once again as it had a thousand times before, she could feel emotion and pain already overtaking her as she became a prisoner of her own memories.
Princess Adina Vel Sunia, 34th in line to Vale's Holy Throne, stood within the crystalline palace clutching her sacred weapon firmly in hand as she awaited the arrival of her father's murderer. Truly she was a hellish demon now, with eyes ablaze with fury and seething hatred. Uncut silver hair traversed over her back and down to her knees, the silver cape of Heaven's royalty. Wrapped tightly in her right hand, a blade to match her blue silk dress, a Damascus blade containing the very spirit of her rage.
Appearing from her bed chamber, a girl much like her, perpetually sixteen with the same royal blood as she. An elaborate silk robe wrapped itself around her body like a coiled snake around prey being helplessly crushed to death. A golden circlet parted her angelic hair, longer then she was tall and twice as wide with a series of elaborate ribbed supports and red ribbons, twenty six in all, one to mark each of her victories over her enemies.
Adina raised her sword, “Prepare yourself, Lyre.”
“Princess Adina,” the woman spoke with a siren's voice, more beautiful then any bard, “Dio. Bel. Remove her.”
Appearing in flashes of lightning and thunder, two guards came to their mistress's aide. Two handsome men, beautiful as Adonis himself, answered the call with pikes grasped firmly in hand. Powerful bare chests, rippling muscle created a sense of perverse perfection of male beauty understated by the circumstances of their summoning. Dio and Bel, the brothers were perplexed by the sight of Princess Adina raising her sword at them from across the hallway.
“What is the meaning of this! Princess, you bare your sword upon kin?” Dio gasped, trying to understand what created this situation.
Bel was the first to advance, towards Adina, “Please lock yourself in your chambers, we will handle this.”
The shimmering walls of quartz crystal, tinged pink and white suddenly shattered around Princess Adina, shards fell to the floor as she called upon divine strength from the depths of her being. Unnatural wind grabbed the fine particles of the dust, giving sudden shape to the terrifying aura of her rage. Encompassing an area of ten meters, this divine wind tore at the palace with countless lashes while protecting her within a cocoon of stillness free from everything outside the storm.
Lyre turned her back on Adina and disappeared in a flash, retreating back inside her bed chamber without sparing so much as a second glance to the murderous rage destroying her beautiful home. A few precious seconds would be spared by the brothers, but this sacrifice might mean the difference between life and death. No sooner had Lyre turned her back upon the two, did Adina's blood lust unleash itself in a flurry of close quarters combat.
Outmatched by Adina's superior skills and speed, Bel and Dio stood as one against her. Spears proudly out in front of them, no fear in their eyes. A blur of silver and blue launched itself down the hall and into their bodies. A single slash struck true, slicing through muscle and bone unhindered as it passed through them. Cleaved in half, their last breath went unheard as the blur of silver and blue burst into the bed chamber with barely a seconds' delay.
“Your as impatient as your father, you know that?” Lyre spoke as Adina crossed the threshold.
Luxury beyond compare filled Lyre's chambers, gold and silver overflowed upon itself in elaborate, gaudy displays of status. Every piece of furniture was of precious metals and crammed with flawless gemstones in a vain attempt to express beauty. In the center of the room was a giant's bed of silk and satin, a mass of comfort from which held no true form or was constrained by any sort of frame. Standing upon this mass was Lyre with a massive obsidian sword six feet long and wider then the girl's waist held in one hand against her back.
“How unlucky, your sword is the same as you,” Adina snickered, “Bloated, black and fragile as your soul.”
“Cowardly, to fight within my room. You really are a master of conditions,” Lyre took one last look at the painting of the starry sky which filled the ceiling and the diamonds which had shimmered overhead for so long, “You will live to regret this, don't do this Adina.”
“Why did you kill my father? Was it for Xers? Did you want to rule?”
“The clock is ticking, Adina. You can still escape if you hurry.”
“Very well,” Adina let loose the winds again, the bedchamber fracturing into rainbow fragments caught within a current of gold. Lyre, answering her, let loose everything she had at once, a tornado enveloped the room, destroying everything in the blink of an eye. The walls vanished into nothingness and the never-setting sun blinded them both with its uncontrollable intensity.
Forward into the blinding light, Adina's aura, a barrier formed from her being, collided with Lyre's the swirling winds repelling each other as they clashed. At last, the sheer power of Lyre's being reached Adina, ripping the silk dress from her body instantly and nearly wrenching the sword from her hand. Driven on by fury and murderous thoughts of revenge she approached striking distance and faced the obsidian sword. Lyre threw herself into Adina, the massive sword was a light as a feather to her unfathomable strength, swung out ready to cleave her foe in half.
In a shower of sparks, the sword shattered as it passed through Adina's barrier, darkness enveloped the two for a brief moment as Adina and Lyre passed through each other's barrier and into the void between. Lyre's hair fell down over her chest as the dress and ornamentation around her body broke up instantly. Plunging her sword through Lyre's abdomen, the battle was decided instantly, Lyre lowered her head and embraced Adina, “I'm sorry. It was a mistake, but you... you would never believe me even if I told you.”
“Lyre,” Adina took her hand off the sword and wrapped her arms around the dying girl, tears welling up in her eyes, “Why? Why didn't you tell me!”
“It's too late for that...” Lyre's hands lost their strength and the life drained from her face, “I am sorry. So sorry... I deserved this.”
The girl fell to her knees at Adina's feet and closed her eyes for the last time, a thin smile spread across her face, “I see him. He's waiting for me. Beyond the gates. Gekresolgol....”
Tears flowed down her cheeks, both within the relived nightmare and reality, staining her sheets with hot tears. Wentz stood over her, caressing the girl's cheek as she sobbed, unable to bring himself to awaken her, whispering the only lullaby he knew, “Calm. Calm, sweet child, for it is all a dream...”
“ADINA!” came the furious cry of the golden helmed Executioner as his body twisted in the air, swinging a forked spear in hand as he rocketed to Lyre's side. Shimmering mail of diamond reflected the sun's light with thousands of individual twinkles blurring into a single body light.
Pulling the sword from Lyre's body and clashing together in an explosion of fire, the palace floors finally buckled under the force of battle. Sword locked against the forked spear, the force of their interlocked blades was too much for the palace to bare and the they began to plummet towards the earth. Riding massive stone sections in free fall, the clouds engulfed the two in a sea of freezing white, frost clinging to her bare flesh.
With each swing of the spear, the skies split with the crash of thunder and a relentless series of lightning bolts cast wildly into the falling fragments of the palace and the bodies of Adina and the dead Lyre. Grasping onto the dead girl's arm in free fall, Adina protected her body with her own, the desire to have the body protected from further desecration.
“Go away!” screamed Adina into the raging wind, tears flowing out of her eyes so rapidly that her vision became clouded.
Falling through the clouds, the eternal sun had begun to set, dusk became twilight in seconds, and from there darkness, the first she had ever known engulfed her in its deathly embrace. The first pain of fear welled up inside of her and made itself known deep within her gut and as the shimmering figure of starlight drew ever closer, the pain intensified until it overflowed her.
Her rapid descent halted immediately as six wings of majestic light shot forth from her back, stained with her own blood, turning black as the night in the freezing air. Her silver eyes pooled with blood, becoming a dark crimson and her beautiful silver hair shed itself like a discarded garment. Seething with emotion, a terrorizing field encompassed everything within her sight. The edge of the world seemed within the reach of her fury. For a brief moment before the tempest drew in to a sustainable limit twenty kilometers wide. The golden helmed Executioner descent halted just as quickly as Adina had, the fragments of the palace continued earthward on an direct course into the black sea.
“Devil, I shall punish you for your crimes. No matter what you once were to us.”
“Aki? Aki! Is that you?”
“Vale's order must be carried out. You killed her by your own hand!”
“She was responsible for the death-”
“Don't you understand? It doesn't matter, only my orders matter. Forgive me, Adina.”
Adina clashed again with the masked man in mid-air, swinging her sword through his barrier, slashing viciously at the Aki's face. The sword broke in the tempest of his winds, the broken blade fell towards the sea below. She could feel the golden eyes of the goddess upon her as Aki raised his spear to finish her off. Closing her eyes, she felt the tip enter her neck and the rush of blood pour down her chest.
“Goodbye. Adina.”
The six black wings evaporated into nothingness as she began to descent towards the sea, losing consciousness and warmth as she bled during her descent. Blood droplets in the air became an artificial aurora, Lyre's soft voice calling out to her, “He comes for you. Do not die.”
Her ears grew deaf to the world and her grip on Lyre grew weak, even without her eyes open she could sense Aki traveling down towards the ground with her. Flames engulfed her body and darkness took her.
Awaking in in a cold sweat, she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out and dove her head into the boy's chest, sobbing uncontrollably. He stroked her hair and rest his head upon hers, “Let it out, sweet child. I'll be strong for you... nothing can hurt you now.”
Blood trickled down her neck from under the red ribbon...
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Thanks, I'm going to start on the corrections for this and all of your past reviews when I get back home on late Thurs or early friday morning.
I actually thought this was the worse chapter for content-wise because of the speed and power of the fights. I just can't simply show how fast and terrifying they are until much further. Cardinal Belrusi's nuking of Fegoria is a power far weaker then what Adina holds at this point.
Battles are decided in a split second, but I cannot convey it properly. Which is entirely why I don't like this piece. Lyre would be cut down all the quicker if she had tried to calm her fury. She willingly chose to die as redemption for her sin and Adina believed her only because of that.
This line I met literally, "A few precious seconds would be spared by the brothers, but this sacrifice might mean the difference between life and death."
She crosses the long hallway, cuts through them in a single strike and corners Lyre who barely had time to get her weapon. Adina killed the innocent guards without hesitation, even though she did not have to. Her rage is all consuming and she cannot control herself well, even after killing Lyre she attacks Wentz for speaking her true name. She just snaps. I'm having a very difficult time portraying that. In short, yeah I need help lol.
Onto the fifth chapter!
I've got more overall comments than nitpicks here but I shall point out the little things first 
- as always, my comments are just suggestions so don't pay any attention if you think differently!
'impart a change' doesn't sound right to me, just unable to change might work better.
I think this would sound better as 'A girl much like her appeared from her chamber, perpetually sixteen with the same royal blood as she.'
I'd add 'its' before prey and maybe leave out 'being helplessly crushed to death' as it seems a bit tagged on the end.
You're repeating that two men came to her aid here, You say it in the first sentence then again in the second which is a bit confusing. If you left out 'two guards came to their mistress's aid' it would fix this.
You repeat 'let loose' here- I'd change one of them to something like 'let out' or 'pushed out'- you can probably come up with something better
You repeat 'passed through' here- 'broke into' or 'pushed into' or something similar might work well as replacements.
As you begin the sentence with tears, I don't think you need to mention it again at the end. You could just leave it as 'staining her sheets' because the reader will already know what you are talking about. Also it saves from repeating the word again.
whats clashing together here? I think you need to make it clear what you are referring to.
Whats for a brief moment? You need to connect this to your previous sentence or explain what you are talking about at the beginning here.
'an direct course' needs to be 'a direct course'
I don't think you need 'the'- unless its a title which I didn't really think it was.
'to descent towards the sea' needs to be either 'her descent towards the sea' or 'to descend towards the sea'.
You need to get rid of one of the 'in's after 'Awaking' and I think you need to add a 'she' before dove.
Overall: This is a really interesting nightmare- A lot happens but I could understand it, the fight scene was brilliant!
I do think that each stage of the nightmare goes by too quickly though- you show Adina fighting the two men and then really quickly she is at the room and then she's dead and then they're falling. The transition from each event I think was a bit too fast. You could add more in to end each so its clearer what is going on. I was also a bit confused by Lyre's character- at first she seems to be the bad guy, sending two men to fight Adina knowing they will get killed to give her time, saying that Adina should run before they fight and noting that she was as impatient as her father in a kind of teasing way. But as soon as she has been stabbed she becomes a nice person, saying it was all a mistake. Why did she not say it was a mistake before? I know she says she would have never believed her but Adina does as soon as she says it! And surely she would have made some attempt to explain. It doesn't seem right to me
In all the speech you describe there is quite a lot on how they are saying it missing- I think it would be god in helping to set the scene if you added how they are talking and what their voices are like. You could also describe their expressions more, like I said you have described the fight scene's amazingly but more on the characters could be added in my opinion. I also think that there are still some things wrong with punctuation- but as before I'm not good at that sort of thing so I don't want to say its one way then find out I'm wrong
The parts that are dream and the parts that are in the present are not really distinguished from one another, I'd maybe break them up a bit. Perhaps the dream could be in italics? Just a suggestion though.
Sorry the comments are so long! I do have to say though, you were right about this being a good chapter. I think you have written this well and I am looking forward to reading the next chapter!
Woah. >.<
Hrmm, I don't have much to say about this one, as I didn't spot any major technical flaws, just watch for sentence fragments.
On to the plot- I must say, a lot is going on here. It's a bit too much, in my opinion- learning a huge chunk at once about a character isn't always as effective as learning it in small chunks.
It's almost as if you are impatient to develop her, and this was one of the quickest ways to do so. The best development is the development over the course of the whole story.
But, other then that... I'll just have to read on.
Sorry I'm not much help on this section. XD