Note: New characters, new setting! If you haven't read chapters 1-5 then this is a chance to review brand new material. It gets darker here and far more mature for the next few chapters. Hope this doesn't deter comments.
Special thanks to Foxfire for looking this over ahead of time! UK and American-English gave me a bit of a run here on words like honor, armor and axe. I have the Americanized variants without the added 'u' for these words, but I did add the 'e' to 'ax'.
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Chapter Six
The night sky was illuminated by flashes of lightning and hills boomed with rolling thunder. White bolts of lightning crashed to the ground as the tremors passed through the mud and into the trembling hearts of the crowd.
Tents made of tanned leather kept them dry, but rogue splatter of blood had landed on those nearest to the warrior's ring. The roaring crowd called for another sacrifice for their entertainment, wildly shouting over one another for worthy opponents.
Spilled blood washed away in the rain, traversing over the bricked emblem of Fegoria, the sickle crossed with the axe. Farmers become warriors, a symbol of dedication and glory for the fatherland, whatever blood spilled upon the sigil was deemed to be holy and for the betterment of the nation. Yet, the perversion of those ideals had taken the form of bloodsport in the name of forging the warrior elite.
A diminutive man dressed in black complete with matching top hat and a push broom mustache rallied the crowd with his voice as he took center stage again, “Gentlemen, we have a special treat tonight for you all tonight.”
The crowd fell silent immediately, waiting for this announcement eagerly. Hands dove into their pockets, ready to bet their wages away on the main attraction.
“A foreigner from the distant land of Marham graces us with her presence, a stabbing tongue full of lies and heart to commit treason... A WOMAN from the so-called honorable Knights of the Heavenly Snow. I present Hilga Veer-Steass!”
The electrified crowd began to shout bets wildly, screaming for their offers to be made to the few brokers. The clatter of coins and furious writing of quills on tablets soon drowned out the rain and the booms of thunder from the skies above. Brought out in chains with a grain sack over her head, and escorted by two hulking brutes, the woman kicked wildly and cursed everything in existence.
Her mud and blood caked armor, once purest white was now a sad sight to behold. One of Frae's elite had the misfortune of being pitted in the ring against Fegoria's own bloodied brutes. Thrown onto the ground, knocking the sack off her head, the crowd got to see the face of the woman, few gasped at her bloodstained beauty and others sought to double or triple their bets against her.
Appearing to be in her early twenties, the battered and bruised face was covered in dried blood from a head wound on her right. Her long white hair matted with dried blood. The knight fought against the chains bounding her arms behind her back and with wide eyes which took in the sight of the bloodthirsty crowd, “Bastards, does this please you? Beasts!”
“Let's start her off easy, I doubt this esteemed VIRGIN ceremonial guard has even drew blood before,” the ringleader laughed and extended his arm to the first fighter, “Gentlemen, I present once more, Raquil.”
Making his way out next, spreading his arms and flexing for the crowd, the bare chested Raquil was a hulking man that truly seemed to be unholy offspring of a mountain woman and a black bear. Standing two and a half meters tall, covered with long black hairs all over his body and a burly mane like that of a lion, his giant body was something greater then human.
“Foolish woman, war is a man's sport. I'll teach you well!” his deep guttural voice boomed at the fragile-looking woman upon the ground, “Break her chains! Let this be even! Hurry!”
Leaus snorted, “You wish to strip her of armor as well?”
“I said even. Nothing less!” Raquil laughed, “Don't want to kill her before she experiences the joys of a man.”
Hastily removing the chains from her arms, the escorts retreated outside of the ring before Hilga could pull herself up off the ground, held down by the weight of her armor. Raquil waited for the signal from the small man, less then half his size, not expecting the woman's surprising reaction to his words.
“You think I cannot beat you without this armor,” Hilga snickered as she stood up, her hands quickly going to work at releasing the straps which held the armor to her breast, “You've got to be joking.”
Her breastplate fell to the ground with the distinctive clatter of steel upon stone, ringed mail of silver chains revealed the beautiful contours of a full bust and slender curves of her form. Falling off her body next was the gauntlets and metal greaves, each littering the ground in a small heap next to her breastplate. Lastly throwing off her chainmail and exposing the thick cotton tunic underneath, Hilga's soft body was devoid of protection to the giant's mighty fists.
People began to try and change their bets as the odds seemed to have drastically changed, but all that became pointless as Hilga spared not a single moment for reflection, charging at Raquil at a full run. Retreating to the sidelines, the little man cursed loudly, “Bitch! You are just going to die all the quicker!”
Caught off guard by her speed, Raquil felt the woman's kick slam into his exposed chest, the dainty little foot stopped cold by his strong abdomen. His hand shot out and grabbed her leg, crushing her ankle as he lift her up off the ground, “Feisty, but boring.”
Hilga refused to let out a cry of pain as she was lifted up off her feet, Raquil extended his knee to slam it into her chest several times, each thrust knocking the wind from her lungs, before slamming her hard on the ground as punishment for breaking the rules, “You are not honorable, you are a disgrace.”
Quickly pulling herself up off the ground, she tried once more to attack him, thrusting her fist out at his chest again with nearly twice the speed of her kick, but once again Raquil proved faster and grabbed her by the neck and started to choke her, “I'll end it for you, warrior.”
Lifting her off the ground once more with ease, Raquil brought the girl up to his head, watching her struggle to breath as her arms not even trying to break his grip on her neck. Looking down at her waist, Raquil gasped as the knight unsheathed her suicide knife and quickly drove it into his biceps brachii, preventing him from being able to make any effective use of it against her again. The sudden pain and cut of the muscle forced Raquil to release the woman at once, where she quickly dropped low and spun around him, slicing the Achilles tendon on both legs in a single slash.
Coughing she said to him, “Sorry, but I didn't want to die in your arms.”
Raquil cried out in frustration, his body unable to respond with the surgical strikes to his ankle and arm, “Not bad woman! There may be some worth to you after all.”
The crowd cried out in protest at the upset, demanding the woman's head for using a hidden weapon on their favorite, but astonishingly, and against what seemed possible Raquil pulled himself onto his feet sluggishly, turning their cries to cheers once again.
Hilga smirked, “So, you possess more then just size?”
“Of course,” Raquil grinned back, “A sadist gets pleasure from the pain, not just the fight!”
“Reach Heaven as you fall to Hell?”
“Enough talk, bladedancer. Fight me with everything you have or you might not live much longer.”
Hilga's movements became wild and unpredictable, as the giant had correctly stated. The steel blade swung through the air like a fly out in front of her body, switching hands in a blur of motion. Striking his pectorials and romboids in a sudden flurry, crimson blood began to coat his black chest hair directly under the incision. Raquil's movements were quick for his sheer size, but the agile Hilga danced around his left handed grab to deliver several peppering strikes to his exposed back, the blade doing only minor damage to the beast's rippling muscles.
Bobbing and weaving under his wild grabs and limited range of motion, Hilga whittled away on the man, slicing through muscle and tendon in a valiant effort to bring him down, but even after innumerable slashes and stabbed to his vitals the man continued to swing and kick at her with increasing speed and power until after nearly a minute of missing, his foot found its mark in her chest.
In a single gasp of pain, Hilga was knocked off her feet and fell to the ground, the dagger sliding across the ring and out of reach. Raquil's massive foot came crashing down on her chest. She went limp instantly, the sound of her ribs breaking filled the air signaling the end of the fight.
A moment of silence followed the girl's death, until the victor, Raquil, picked up her body and carried her out of the ring, blood still seeping from his numerous wounds. The crowd cried and cheered as their winnings could be collected. Preparations began to be made for another two to enter the ring. The crash of thunder and flash of lightning cheering the victor as the skies wept for the fallen.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
I know this is more gruesome but I actually really liked it, I agree with the comments Nutty made but shall also go through some more of my own
I think 'splatter' should be 'splatters'.
I'd leave out 'tonight' after treat so you're not repeating it.
I'm not that sure on 'knocking', I don't know if its the right word to use in taking a sack off someones head as that's not really the action. Tugging/pulling/wrenching or something similar might work better. I think you need an a before 'few gasped' too
I'm not sure about 'on her right'- It sounds as if the head wound is to the right of her and not actually on her body. I'd maybe add in 'side' after right or something similar to make clear what you mean. The next sentence doesn't really stand on its own- I'd change the full stop before it to a comma instead or add 'was' after 'long white hair'. You also repeat 'dried blood', I'd change it to something else the second time you use it- as you already know that your talking about dried blood maybe something like 'the sticky substance' or something else- you can probably come up with something better
I think you should get rid of 'which' before 'took in the sight'. That way I think the sentence will flow better.
'drew' should be drawn.
This is a good description but I noticed a few mistakes- you need a 'the' before 'unholy offspring' and I'm not sure about how you use 'burly' to describe his mane. Burly I think of more as a way of describing how muscly he is, wiry or matted might work better as descriptions.
At the start of this sentence it seems like he is being hurt as he is 'caught off guard' but really it does nothing. I'd add a 'but' somewhere so that it is clear that even though he was surprised, it didn't work anyway. Maybe a little rephrasing too to make the sentence run a bit smoother- 'He was caught off guard by her speed and Raquil felt the woman's kick slam into his exposed chest, but the dainty little foot stopped cold by his strong abdomen.'
I'd rephrase this to leave out 'as' as it doesn't really fit in or you could add in something like 'hung limply,' after 'as her arms'. That way I think the sentence would make more sense.
He didn't really say this would happen, all he said was called her 'bladedancer' and that doesn't necessarily mean that she will then become wild and unpredictable. Something instead about suiting the name he had called her would make more sense.
I don't really think of fly's swinging through the air, they more buzz. I wouldn't say fly here, either leaving out 'like a fly' completely or replacing it with a better comparison ( I can't really think of one that would fit well here though).
I think 'stabbed' should be 'stabs'.
Really beautiful ending sentence!!
Overall: I did find this chapter very interesting, although its more darker I thought it was actually really well written and I found the scene exciting to read
You switch back and forth between who is the better fighter a lot, and although this adds to the uncertainty of the out come it can be a bit confusing. One minute she's faster, but before that he was really fast in grabbing her foot and her hand. It doesn't really fit in- I'd maybe stick to her being better at one thing (for instance speed) and him being the stronger one. That way eventually she would have to slow down and then he could hit her- like what happened.
I'd add more in on how he is struggling with his wounds as they are very significant. Like Nutty said, in cutting his achilles tendon he wouldn't be able to do a lot of what he did, even if he is amazingly powerful. If you do stick with it being that injury perhaps add in more about how much pain and pressure he is under or how his movements are still slow? Perhaps he is roaring in pain or something. By the end as well he just walks out of the ring- perhaps describing him limping or shuffling would add more to the description and fit in with what we saw happening in the fight.
I think you have done great in describing the characters
You're right, it is darker.
You've described the lightening twice here- Maybe eliminate one? It's better to not waste words.
'Crushing' made me assume he had snapped bones. She would have been effectively immobilized from here.
He has his archille's tendons cut, he shouldn't be going anywhere, let alone standing.
If she's faster, then howcome he bested her twice?
He shouldn't be able to use his feet, and all those immobilized muscles- It doesn't make sense.
Very gruesome. I shall continue on- it's still very interesting.