Author's note: The title may have changed from 'In the Name of...' to 'Gaea', but don't be confused. 'In the Name of..' is the first part of the story, detailing the rise of the characters in an era of peace, free from international conflict. The ages of the characters will be revealed in chapter two, this is just an eventful meeting.
On to the story!
Edit: Some big changes!
Setting paragraph removed.
Better descriptions.
Age's listed, relationship cleared up.
Aphonia's toying with Raye made more obvious.
Raye is not injured by the fox. He kills it, not Aphonia.
Lots of little details as well fixed up.
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Chapter One
Raye was a bright blue-eyed boy with curly locks of golden hair, his face as pale and smooth as white marble. His black cloak had become hot under the afternoon sun, but the he did not care. His lord and closest friend, Cardinal Louis 'Red' Wentz swam freely in the cool water of the lake while he stood guard. Though he did not seem the type, under that black cloak was a refined soldier's body and one would never guess that this innocent youthful face was that of Frae's strongest warrior.
Though a warrior, Raye had the unusual occupation as the sole retainer of the boy. He was the Cardinal's Sword and Shield, commonly known as the SS, it was an honorable title to those who swore to be a loyal servant and human weapon to the Church. Even if it meant sacrificing his own life to ensure the safety of Cardinal Wentz. Raye knew the boy better then any other because of this unique relationship which had bound a then 15 year old Raye to the newly born Cardinal Wentz. Eight years had made them inseparable brothers by duty and class.
The sound of heavy footfalls carried its way through the dense forest and entered Raye's ears, “My lord, a woman approaches.”
The child Cardinal's head broke the surface of the lake with a shower of brilliance, the water shimmering bright in the light. He pulled his naked form up and onto a boulder and grumbled, “Just when I was beginning to enjoy myself...”
Raye stole a passing glance at the Cardinal's depressed face, the boy's full cheeks were contorted into a wrinkled scowl. Fetching his towel the boy began to dry himself, “How far away?”
“I'm not sure.” Raye lowered his head to the ground and pressed his ear against a fallen log, “Three minutes at most.”
As he said that the footsteps vanished, “She knows we are here!”
Cardinal Wentz pulled his black priest's cloak over his head, “So much for that bath, I'm still going to reek of sweat.”
Shaking his head at Raye, Wentz scolded him, “If you cannot hear her, then perhaps you should protect me from a would-be assassin.”
“Yes, my lord,” Raye nodded, as he pulled a blue dagger free from the sleeve of his cloak. Brandishing it against the line of trees, he slowly backed towards the Cardinal. His eyes darting from left to right, prepared for anything.
It took only a minute for the woman to reveal herself. Dressed in a maid's attire and carrying two large wooden buckets at her side, she did not look like an assassin. Taking each step upon the exposed roots of the trees, she moved silently towards the lake. Her long black hair flowed freely, swaying back and forth as she hopped onto the rocks and near the water's edge, her silver eyes acknowledged Raye and Cardinal Wentz's with a passing glance.
“What are you doing!” Raye commanded, brandishing his knife towards the girl. Her lack of manners and unusual approach struck him as dangerous. He was inexperienced, but knew she had deliberately hid her footsteps from him.
She turned towards Raye and pointed to her lips with a dainty index finger and shook her head. The Cardinal nodded in understanding immediately, “Ah, I understand. You must be mute, I can tell by the ribbon around your neck.”
It was barely visible, but under the collar of her shirt there was a delicate red ribbon tied tightly around her neck. Unable to speak and announce her presence properly she had frightened Raye, but she had mocked him by playing him for a fool in front of his master.
Cardinal Wentz asked, “Could it be that you are Aphonia O'Kelos?”
Bowing politely to the Cardinal, Aphonia set the buckets onto the ground and approached him with a soft smile and mouthing the word, “Wentz!” Brother Raye blocked her path and pointed the blue dagger at the girl's neck, “Sorry, but I cannot allow you to come any closer.”
“Put it away, Brother Raye. Before you upset her, she means no harm.” Wentz ordered with a tinge of cruelty in his voice.
The tension between the two started to relax as Raye lowered his blade, allowing her to approach the Cardinal closer then even His Imperial Majesty, King Gustav. The child would have been dwarfed in her presence if it were not for the boulder which he stood upon. The two embraced one another, even though it was their first meeting. Raye wondered how they knew each other and tried to eavesdrop on their conversation, but only Wentz could read her lips.
“You are quite welcome.”
“No concrete evidence, but the rumor is that he is headed in this direction.”
“Yes, I do too.”
“Don't mind him, he's perfect for the likes of me.”
Brother Raye finally grunted as the conversation had finally turned to him, “We should hurry, it will get dark before we reach Vinesse if we linger any longer.”
Aphonia looked to Raye before continuing on to the Cardinal, more unheard words which put him on edge. If he had never met this woman before surely the young Cardinal had not! Though they seemed to be very familiar, too familiar for his liking, Raye could not possibly trust this woman.
Wentz turned to Raye and said with a bright smile upon his face, “She has offered us accommodations and I simply can't turn down the opportunity. We will have to spend the night at Kelos. Vinesse can wait until tomorrow.”
Wentz patted Aphonia on the back with his small hand and whispered into her ear, “I'm in your debt now, another burnt meal and I'll croak.”
“WHAT!? How can you say that!?” yelled Raye, more shocked at the Cardinal's insult to his cooking then the offer of this stranger. His voice was so loud that the forest's creatures halted and ran for safety, all except for one pair of vicious red eyes that fixated onto Raye. A red fox crept out of it's den, foaming jaws began to shake in excitement for the taste of soon to be spilled blood.
“Ehehehe....” Wentz hid behind Aphonia's skirt, the moment of closeness allowing the Cardinal to finally let slip one of many issues he had with Raye, but their attentions quickly became fixated on a rustling and feral growl from a leaf-covered thicket and a red fox's den.
Disturbed by the sudden chaos created by Brother Raye's outburst, the fox came from out of foliage and attacked Raye. Lunging at Raye's leg, the fox barely missed its mark and drove into jungle. Raye positioned himself in front of Aphonia and Wentz, “Stay back, I'll handle it.”
In another fast strike, the fox attacked again, darting for Raye's leg once again. Raye dropped to his knees and thrust it into the fox's neck mid-lunge. A sharp cry of pain erupted from the fox as it became impaled on the blade and quickly died.
“Another one,” Wentz shook his head as he turned towards Aphonia, “That's the second time we have been attacked today by those mad beasts. If we don't hurry to Vinesse... he and many others will die from that cursed madness they carry. This is the worst recorded outbreak in history, I can't help, but feel it is... artificially created.”
Raye attempted to silence Wentz, “Don't get the girl involved. The last thing she needs is to get caught up in this mess.”
“Watch your words, she is not some commoner. Those silver eyes, denote her holy linage, blood purer then your own. At the very least, you should address her as Sister Aphonia.” Wentz's own silver eyes were fixated on Aphonia's, “She is fifth generation nobility; and let's not forget your own standing, Raye.”
Pulling his blade free from the fox, Raye threw the beast on to the ground. Aphonia was quick to pick up the infected corpse and place in it the bucket so she could dispose of it properly. Though it seemed like an odd practice, it would help prevent the spread of the disease.
“Sister Aphonia,” corrected Raye, with disgust, “Should not be involved in matters of church or state. Protocol must be followed, even in these outskirts.”
Admitting that much, Cardinal Wentz nodded humbly in compromise, “Then we can discuss the matter at her home over a hot meal.”
Aphonia started to lead Cardinal Wentz back into the jungle, and Raye grumbled under his breath as he brought up the rear, “Aye, but I still don't trust her. She is not... normal.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi Excalibur!
I really enjoyed this beginning!
I think it would sound better as just 'but he did not care'.
I'd put a full stop after 'the SS' or a dash instead of a comma.
'carried its way' doesn't sound right to me and I'm not sure about 'entered Raye's ears'- maybe you could cut it down to something like 'The sound of heavy footfalls in the dense forest reached Raye's ears.'
I'd get rid of the and before 'onto a boulder'.
I wouldn't say depressed as that's a bit extreme- maybe glum? I think the image is a bit strange here of his cheeks scowling, instead perhaps you could say something about his smooth features being contorted into a wrinkled scowl to make a bit more sense
Because you start on a new line I got a bit confused and thought that someone else was talking- I'd move this sentence up so that it is just after the last one.
I don't think you need the and before 'near the waters edge' and I would change the comma after edge to a full stop so that 'Her silver eyes' is the beginning of a new sentence.
I'd change neck here to throat as you have just said neck.
I'd add 'also' after 'but she had'.
I'm not sure if cruelty is the right word to use here- dismissal/arrogance/annoyance or something similar might work well as replacements.
I think this would sound better with only one finally, so I'd take one out. I don't think you need 'had' after conversation.
I'd use another word than fixated here as you have just used it, I'd also separate the actions of hiding behind the girls skirt and noticing the fox. Perhaps you could end the sentence after Raye and then start the next with something like 'However, their attentions quickly changed to focus on'.
You describe the attack of the fox after this and I think it kind of loses it effect if you say beforehand that it attacked him- you could maybe just describe it creeping out of the foliage in this part. I would replace 'came out from' with something a bit more descriptive, like crept or slunk.
The 'and quickly died part' is very abrupt. I'd end the sentence at blade and then perhaps have another sentence that has a bit more description- mentioning a couple of seconds of it struggling perhaps before falling still.
I'm not that sure about using humbly- it doesn't really fit in with what I have read so far on his character and relationship between Raye and him. That's just my opinion though
Overall comments: This is a really original beginning and introduces some very interesting ideas
So far you have described the characters quite well, you've got some really good bits of description in this story
Brilliant so far! Hope I've helped
All three are main characters and this is one fifth of the actual chapter which would appear in the book. Simply an introduction to the characters.
Wentz is protected by Raye and the two are very close. Master and trusted bodyguard.
You were correct about the issue of she knowing that Raye knew. By walking on the roots she moved silently and could hear his words. The issue of sensitive hearing is held by trained soldiers and because Raye communicated vocally his skills are seen on a novice level. Wentz, while just a child is unique and I can't say much more then read to find out.
This story is not going to be short and three tiny pages can not possibly develop the unique bond between characters. Whether I conflict pace for flow or flow for pace depends on the importance of the scene. The unique circumstance is supposed to create confusion and curiosity for the world. Granted this is not the best chapter, I do hope to fix it up some. The issue of the fox was mentioned above.
Thanks for reviewing, both of you. I will start on corrections immediately.
Edit: Corrections have been made.
A well-written piece, but I am fascinated by the fact that you think this is sparse description. Your first paragraph is pure description (and I tend to dislike Setting starters, unless they have some unique perspective on the setting). It's just done way too often, when really, what the reader wants to know is not that "Kelos is the most beautiful town in the southern kingdom" but that "The main character is Raye, and he's got this problem..."
On with the critique!
“She... impossible... she knows we are here!”
Starting here, I got confused with the action. First of all, how does he know that she knows (that he knows that she knows...) they're there? Secondly, why is he so worried about a single woman alone in a time of peace? Also
"she had tested the limits of Raye's ability and bested him with ease."
I don't understand how she has bested him? Is it by being silent in her approach? If so, I would hardly call it bested, and even then it needs to be more clear. Beyond that, there's the whole thing with the fox, which is introduced a bit clumsily - mainly it was the fact that "shouting = rabid foxes". after that, it starts to move more steadily.
That's the pragmatic confusion. The rest of the confusion comes from the characters and a related issue of pacing. I just can't get a feel for them through this. I've no idea what the relationship between the two boys is like (I also don't know their approximate ages), because you send mixed signals. They seem close, but then you've got lines like:
“Put it away, Brother Raye. Before you upset the good lady.” Wentz ordered with a tinge of cruelty in his voice, “You are no match for the likes of her and you know it well.”
Also, if Raye is the main character (which even that, I'm not certain of) we get none of the strangeness or animosity that he feels emanating off this woman, which we should be, since if he's the main character, we should be getting his feelings more than anyone else's. She seems quite pleasant, actually. And more sympathetic than Raye at this point.
The confusion with the characters leads me into confusion with the pacing. Because if this piece was set up to introduce the characters, it has left me confused, and if it was not set up to introduce the characters, then the plot is far too thin. I think that your first paragraph was kind of indicative of the piece as a whole - it's mostly things that don't necessarily move the story forward.
Please don't be disheartened or angered by this critique. I honestly only critique things that I think are worth the time and effort, and I try to be as honest as possible, especially with people that I think can take it and improve with it. You've got a way with words, that much cannot be denied, but the story at this point is not really moving.
I think I shall read chapter two.
~Annie
Oh god, Excal, I'm so sorry about the delay. Hopefully you can forgive me!
This is a sentence fragment- You are basically, on simpler terms saying "A lake..." without stating what the lake does or giving a reason for the description.
Then they aren't built to survive. Any herbivore (deer) that wasn't wary of a canivore (bear) is going to die out rather quickly, whether they are the bear's preferred food source or not. A carnivore will hunt undesirable prey for want of food.
Here you are using a comma to insert extra information- 'with golden hair', and you need a comma after 'hair'. Put a comma before the extra information, and afterwards, or otherwise remove the commas and present it all as 'important' information. When you want to break up the sentence, read it aloud and put the comma where you naturally want to pause, or ask someone to read it aloud to you and put it where they pause.
Again, here you have used the comma to insert extra information, but incorrectly as you have no conclusion. Replace the comma with 'was'.
“
How does he know that she knows?
Hrmm. I seem to notice a lot of things to do with commas in this piece. Remove the one after 'sleeved'. While it is technically fine as far as I know, it does nothing for the flow- the whole reason commas are used- and takes away from the sentence.
Then how could a child- albeit one with extraordinary hearing- be able to hear her from five hundred meters through trees which are known to muffle sound?
Why 'but' then? if he thinks her dangerous, then fear does not warrant a 'but'.
remove the comma after 'Raye'.
"You are in my debt" means that you owe me a favour. Do you mean I am in your debt?
A) This sounds as if Raye was lunging for the fox's neck,
B) it seems highly unlikely that a small animal, who mainly hunts rodents and hares, would lunge for a large animal's, i.e a human child old enough to travel without supervision's, neck. The fox would not be seeking for a kill, for he could not carry the carcass away from competitors, he would be attacking merely to frighten off the intruder. It is more likely the fox would worry the limbs. Even if sick, as is suggested, it seems an unlikely course for a small animal to take.
C) Most of the time you seek to hold off a dog with your forearm, not your wrist, with your palm facing inwards. It's pretty much automatic to protect the veins and arteries in your inner wrist.
It sounds as if the girl is talking, which is impossible due to the muteness.
If the animal was sick, would he not be trying to clean his wound ASAP?
She's mute, not deaf. Saying this while she's right there is risky and somewhat stupid- it's better to not let someone know how you feel if you don't trust them.
Overall, though, this is quite interesting. It shows evidence of forethought and planning, and therefore has a tidy feel to it, which I appreciate. I have a few more points, however:
1) The child is small, you have stated. Then why are they travelling alone? Even when you were considered adult in your early teens, you were pretty much fully grown.
2) Watch your comma use, and sentence fragments. If you use MS word, it will find sentence fragments for you.
3) What's with the feral foxes? You had stated earlier they lived in relative harmony.
But well done, and sorry for the delay, I hope this is of some use to you. Feel free to PM me with questions if you feel the need. I'll be happy to help.
-Nutty
Hope this doesn't bother you too much, but to clarify some instances.
1. Description preceding introduction to show who was important and why.
2. It is a title, but I'll try to fix it up some. Now that you mention it I am not happy with the flow. Good catch.
3.Make of towel, just to show status.
4. This was supposed to be the extent of status, contrasting the towel as a comfort and is simply apart of the formal attire. If you were to look at the lazy rendering of the characters the outfit would make more since of what I envisioned: topic9697-30.html
5. Consider it fixed. Thanks!
6. Rabid animals do attack with little to no provocation, the case of a fox attacking a human has been reported, but I figured that out only after writing this piece. The fox does become important later, since it is a predatory animal that usually preys upon rodents.
7. Foxes usually pounce and strike the fatal blow in one shot, the rabies prevented it from sizing up the threat and made an entirely stupid decision to attack a now expectant foe larger then itself. So yes, the feral fox, while bold essentially ensured its demise foolishly protecting its den.
For you to say I was overly descriptive is actually rather funny as I was trying my hardest NOT to be descriptive. Before posting I tried to think of the description as a simple set for a script rather then the elaborate details of their movements, facial expressions and intricate details of garb and characteristics! For instance when I said 'maid's attire', I went with the assumption of a typical french-styled maid outfit common to housekeepers, without going into the ensembles specific differences. Even the characters themselves seemed to be rather lacking in description for me... perhaps you can point these out in a PM?
I'd be happy to look through the parts you think are overly descriptive and try to smooth them out where necessary. Thanks for the review!
how is this stupid yet bold
In honesty I couldn't find much to critique. It was really good. I think you can be a little overly descriptive at times. Description is good when it evokes a feeling. I can't help when it come to grammar such as a misplaced comma and such. Pm me if you want me to look at your second chapter. I don't want to be presumptuous and look over it when you don't agree with any of my comments from the first review.