Published July 29, 2025
CHARACTERS
COBRA TRIBE
LEADER: Thorn-Tall woman with thick black hair, thin lips, and cold, black eyes
ASSASSIN:Shadow-Young woman with black hair and dark brown eyes
GUARDS: Snake-Young man with short, spiky blond hair and brown eyes
Steven-Man with brown hair and a beard with green eyes
Lyla-Young woman with blond hair and blue eyes
SOLDIERS: Gideon-Man with dark brown hair and brown eyes
Victor-Man with icy gray eyes and scars on his face
Saraphine-Woman with brown eyes, pale skin, and red lips
Ignatius-Man with gray eyes and pale skin
Alaric-Woman with ice-blue eyes and brown hair
Isolde-Woman with beige hair and brown eyes
Ace-Man with black hair and black eyes
*THERE ARE TWENTY PEOPLE IN THE TRIBE OF COBRA, NOT INCLUDING GUARDS, SOLDIERS, LEADER, AND ASSASSIN.
ECLIPSE TRIBE
LEADER: Saber-Seventeen-year-old boy with brown hair and brown eyes
ASSASSIN: Dylan-Fifteen-year-old boy with jet black hair and unusual dark blue eyes
GUARDS:Raven-Fifteen-year-old girl with shiny black hair and black eyes
Lance-Man with black hair and brown eyes
SOLDIERS:Griffin-Woman with blond-white hair and green eyes
Miles-Young adult with scarlet hair and brown eyes
Dawn-Teen girl with brown hair and blue eyes
Conner-Teen boy with beige hair and brown eyes
*THERE ARE TWENTY FIVE PEOPLE IN THE TRIBE OF ECLIPSE, NOT INCLUDING GUARDS, SOLDIERS, ASSASSIN, OR LEADER
PROLOGUE
In the Land of Shadows, a boy stumbled around. His eyes were weirdly purple. “Once I have the pendant, everything will be MINE,” He said. The boy blasted a portal and went through. This is going to be TOO easy. “THE PENDANT IS MINE!”
The purple light radiated through the ShadowLands. The boy arrived in a forest. The portal closed behind him. A shadowy figure appeared in front. “You have a week to steal the pendant. If you don’t have it by then, you will die,” It whispered. Then, like how it appeared, it disappeared in a flash.
The pendant…it has all the power I have ever wanted. I’m guided by Figure. He knows best. He will help me reach my full potential. We have a deal. That is, if I have the pendant in my hands. Ruling the entire continent, piece by piece. Starting with Eclipse.
CHAPTER ONE
Raven woke up to the sound of heavy breathing. She sat up and saw Dylan awake, his head in his hands. Saber was fast asleep. They all slept in the same bedroom.
“Hey, are you okay?” She climbed out of her bed and got on his. When he looked at her, she gasped. A gash on Dylan’s cheek had spilled blood. How…what? “I don’t know. I didn’t have it before I went to bed,” Dylan whispered.
“Raven, I had a dream. There were voices. Warning me. Something sinister is happening. I then got teleported to a forest. Not just any forest. The plants were dying and withering. This figure then came out of nowhere and hit me, then I awoke.” Dylan seemed spooked.
“It’s okay,” Raven soothed. How could that hit cause blood in real life? It’s impossible! “I’m going to get some water,” Dylan said, then climbed out of bed and headed downstairs. “I’m coming,” Raven insisted. At a time like this, she was not going to let Dylan go alone.
Halfway back up the stairs, Dylan stumbled and slammed himself onto the wall, and gritted his teeth. “Dylan…what’s wrong? Answer!” Raven started panicking. She ran back into the room and woke up Saber. “What?” Saber murmured, still half asleep.
“Something’s happening to Dylan!” They hurried down half of the steps and saw him.
“It’s like something’s destroying him on the inside,” Saber said.
“What DO WE DO!?” Raven cried. Suddenly, Dylan looked up. His eyes were purple. He growled, then lunged at Raven. Saber charged straight into him before he could attack, and pinned him to the ground, knocking the air out of him. Raven was shocked. Why were his eyes that color? They’re blue, not PURPLE! In a flash, Dylan’s eyes glowed and went back to blue. He lay there, panting. “What was that?” He whispered.
“You tell me,” Saber growled.
“I…don’t know, I’m sorry Raven, I…tried to stop it, but I just lost control!” Saber let Dylan get up and they all went back to the bedroom. That’s so strange, Raven thought. I hope that doesn’t happen again.
Raven went back to sleep, thinking about what just occurred.
Raven walked through the forest, staring at all the dead plants. Dylan described the exact same thing, she thought. A boy appeared in front of her. He had purple eyes. Raven whipped around and ran back the way she came. “I know where you are…you can run, but you can’t hide!” The boy said, repeating the famous words. He suddenly appeared right in front of her. Raven screamed and tried to run, but he hit her on the side of her neck when she whipped around to dash off again. The weird thing was, she could feel actual pain! Raven gasped, and ran left. She got deeper and deeper into the woods, and could feel the boy’s hot breath on her shoulder. She dashed, then ran even faster. I can’t let him catch me! She was slowing, she knew. Raven was getting very tired. The boy hit her again and again on the shoulder. “There is nowhere to run now, Raven…” Raven… “RAVEN!” Dylan’s panicked voice sliced into the forest, crumpling her dream as he shook her firmly. Raven blinked. It was already morning!
“Don’t get up, you’re bleeding.” Dylan ran off. Raven noticed Saber holding a cloth to her neck. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!? Dylan came back with a cup of water and poured some over her neck, healing her completely. He did the same for her shoulder. Raven knew that he used his water power to heal her.
“Thank you guys both,” She said, “But how is this possible? First Dylan, then me, who’s next, SABER?” “Something bad is happening, and I don’t know how to stop it,” Dylan said. It’s true. A new evil has started.
CHAPTER TWO
Raven heard murmurs of disgust and distrust. She emerged from the bedroom and walked to the clearing. A girl was standing face to face with Saber. She had black hair and dark brown eyes.
“Where’s Dylan,” She demanded. “Who are you!?” Saber asked, exasperated. “I’m Shadow.”
“What are you doing here..” Raven turned to see Dylan. He was glaring at Shadow with cold eyes. He must know her!
“Oh hi Dyl, such a warm welcome!” Shadow said flatly, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Anyways, Thorn sent me to kill you, said you were USELESS,” Shadow added. “One on one combat, fight to the death. It will finally settle this conflict. Tomorrow at noon, at our arena. Be there.”
“You’re her assassin now, right?”
“Yep!” Then, without another word, Shadow turned around and walked back the way she came, leaving Dylan standing there, staring at her leaving. He wouldn’t actually go, would he? He wouldn’t risk his safety, right? “I’m going,” Dylan said, like he just read Raven’s thoughts. “What? No!”
“If I don’t, they might just attack and handle things like that,” Dylan replied. “That will risk the whole Tribe’s safety.” Raven sighed. She guessed Dylan did have a point.
That night was peaceful. No dreams, no nightmares. Just normal, restful sleep.
The time has come. Dylan had packed a knife. It was the only weapon allowed in a death combat. Raven was extremely worried and scared for him. I just really hope he wins this! Both of the tribes were going to be there.
“Well, Raven, this is where we separate.” Dylan gave Raven a sad smile. Raven gave him a tight hug. “You better win, you idiot!”
Dylan walked down the steps to the arena fighting zone. Raven ran to the bleachers. She could see Dylan pull out his knife, and Shadow do the same. “The time that we’ve all been waiting for is finally here! One on one combat, fight to the death. The only weapon they can use is the knife. Ready, brawl!” Shadow rushed towards Dylan, and threw her knife. Dylan dodged and kicked her to the ground. He stood over her. She suddenly threw three more knives at him, one piercing his chest, the other two missed. Dylan let out a cry of pain, and threw his knife down. “I thought only one knife was allowed!” “I never specified how many!”
Shadow threw Dylan down. Dylan gritted his teeth and pulled the knife out of him. Blood poured, staining his hoodie. He went limp. NO! Raven screamed in her head. Shadow relaxed, then, in a flash, Dylan kicked her off and the knife went flying from his hand, swiping Shadow’s knife away from her, to the blood-stained sand. They both don’t have any knives left! They’ll have to use hand combat! Shadow stood there, shocked, but only for a second. She regained her position, crouching down low with her hands in front of her. Dylan did the same. They circled for a few seconds, then Shadow attacked. She drove Dylan back, then he flipped over her and landed, sand flying into the air. Shadow skidded to a stop and whipped around to face him. In her hand was a knife. She regained her knife! She pushed Dylan down. He kicked her over his head. Hard. He swiped her knife from her and held it, pointed at her.
“Thorn trained you well,” Dylan said, breathing heavily. “But it’s no use.” Dylan pressed the knife into her neck. Shadow gurgled for breath. Dylan sliced Shadow's throat. “I-underestimated you,” Shadow whispered.
“I’m sorry Shadow. You are going to die without ever experiencing happiness,” Dylan murmured. He stood over her, and dropped the knife as Shadow took her final breath.
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139,274 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hi Cats,
These lines feel a bit awkward because you used 'the' at the beginning of each. You could say: "A purple light radiated through the ShadowLands. The boy stepped into a forest and the portal closed behind him."I'm finally here to do a quick review on the second book in this series! Let's get right into it.
That was straight dragon FIRE
Let's start off with the character descriptions. I like how these are different than in the first book (reflecting how the characters changed allegiances), and I'm excited to meet the new assassin of the Cobra tribe (Shadow).
The prologue was just the right kind of ominous foreshadowing I love. This new character seems to have some strange magic, and, of course, it all connects back to that mysterious pendant.
I really liked the lighting and mix of purples and darkness. It makes me wonder if he has some kind of space manipulation magic.
Start of chapter one really surprised me. They're all sleeping in the same room?! If I remember right Saber tried to kill Dylan after Raven slept with him last time. Yeesh.
The eyes glowing as Dylan attacked his friends was both creepy, and a great way for them to tell he wasn't himself. It makes me wonder just how much power this dream world has on the waking one. And how do you even fight a dream?
Speaking of which, it seems this boy is very powerful in the dream world. I wonder how time works between them and if you can be rescued the moment something happens.
I really liked the last line of the first chapter too.
The first meeting with Shadow went a lot different than I was expecting. She was very straight forward about it. The challenge makes sense though it is almost obviously a trap.
The fight itself was well described and had just the hint of sneaky cheating I was expecting. I'm sad that Shadow had to die so soon since she seemed like she could have been an interesting character, but her end was well done.
Some loose scales
The last paragraph of the prologue felt like it didn't flow very smoothly. You told the reader a lot of things about the character but there was no transition between the ideas which made it feel like you were telling the reader directly rather than the character thinking it.
You switched between first and third person here and it was a bit awkward.
There were no quotation marks for this comment so it seemed like you (the writer) was saying this. It actually made me laugh a bit since I would probably say the same thing if I was writing this.
This sounded like an announcer was saying this but it wasn't in quotations and should be on its own line. It would help break up that big paragraph too.
As mighty wing soar overall
These two chapters did a great job of introducing the new threat and reminding the reader of the main characters/events of the first book.
The pacing could still use a bit of work in a few places, namely, the prologue would be a lot smoother with some transitions, and I'd love a more detailed description of the ShadowLands since it sounds like such a cool place.
But overall I just want to say great job. Your characters have stayed consistent and their reactions are realistic.
Final wisdom of the dragon friend
Having fun writing a story you would love to read yourself is the key to good description and story telling.
May blazing dragon-fire light your path and ignite the flames of your inspiration.
Hi, my friend! Long time no see, I wasn't expecting a review, thanks so much!!!
Ah, yes, to be honest, I did change fonts (italics) on Google Docs, but when I pasted it on here, it changed XP and I was too lazy to change it agh...
I'm glad you liked it, and I can't wait to hear more from you, and thanks again for your opinion, I value it very much!
Love,
CATS
Hey, CATS! This is Alex, back with another review. Considering I've already read book, I thought it'd be easier to continue this series rather than starting on a new work. So let's get started.
Ooh I see Shadow is Thorn's new assasin now. To be honest, I can't really distinguish him from the other's in Cobra as they all always appear in bunch, a little little like wolves XD. Plus, Dylan has now become the assasin of the Eclipse tribe, nice. I still miss Axel though, he seemed like a character with so much potential, but met with an abrupt end.
Prologue
I feel like this is a new character. He's got purple eyes. Interesting.. I wonder what that could mean. He's clearly also after the pendant, like Thorn is doing the deed for it's master, the Figure I'm guessing? Whoever they are, they're advancing fast given the deadline and mention of eclipse, goosebumps! Anyways, awesome new concept. Things feel anew as you focus on the story from a new lens of this boy and Ravena keeping the reader from getting bored. Good job!
Chapter 1
So you're telling me that guy was Dylan o.o ? I think the misdirection was intentional, to throw the audience as we also see Raven struggle with his shifted behaviour and eye colour. Are we looking at soul possesion? Exciting! And yes, a wound in dream making its way to reality is really unusual, something is definitely going on. I'm eager to read what it really is.
WHAT, even Raven is having the same horrible dream now?! Just as Dylan has described, oh my. The boy with the blue eyes really sounds villainous! Making dream injuries real, he must hold strong powers within him. I wonder if he's a parallel being to Dylan, given his unusually coloured eyes. I think some of it relates to a word I overlooked in the prologue that now sounds significant- the dreamland. I think it's existence lies somewhere between the reality and subconscious and the wounds inflicted here also end up showing in the real world.
As for the more technical aspect, I think it could use a little work. Things felt a little bit repetitive with Raven going through almost the same thing Dylan just described. Also I found the regions of the injuries a little wierd- particularly the neck and shoulder. I can still get Dylan's cheek in case it was a punch but that sounds a little unlikely as it's nowhere mentioned. Also, Saber's role in this chapter was next to nothing, I think I would've appreciated seeing him more in action. Again, Dylan with his healing water and as readers we still don't know how he's magically super aware of his powers. A vital piece of this puzzle is still missing.
Chapter 2
Engaging in a one on one combat with Shadow to ensure the safety of Eclipse tribe? That sounds like the heroic Dylan I know. It's great how you've kept the characters consistent throughout.
*sobs* Who's crying? Definitely not me ToT
Cheater! You just couldn't fight with principles for once. Ngl that's actually pretty clever though, something only Thorn's new pawn would really come up with.
And yay, Dylan wins. I'm not essentially surprised here.
On the offside, I find it unlikely that Thorn would use a daylight combat to get the pendant. It's too noble a way for her, especially for how much it means to her. She's much more inclined to resort to surprise attack at dusk or trickery for it. Also, shouldn't an assasin's job be carried out secretly? I think it's wierd that Shadow would just call out Dylan to a duel, that sounds more accurate for a fighter (soldier or guard here). So while the idea is executed well here, I don't find a logical reason to justify it, to begin with.
Overall, engaging chapters. Curious to see what happens next. Onto the next chapter I go, thanks for sharing. Had a good time reviewing this.
Regards
Alex
Thank you!!! So much!!! For your!!! Wonderful review! My second book lol...I'll try to keep your tips in mind
Hello, I'm here to leave a review!
It was an interesting idea to start off by giving a brief overview of the characters. It establishes that there are two distinct organizations. Maybe they are opposing groups. Anyway, it's cool that there are people in an age range from teens to adults.
You started off by giving us physical descriptions, which is handy for when we see their names appear and can visually differentiate them from one another. However, maybe a tidbit of who the characters actually are would be a more engaging intro. You did this a little bit by telling us what their positions are in their respective groups. But just keep in mind that physical descriptions are often one of the least important pieces of character information to give. Also, you can work descriptions of their appearances right into the narrative when you introduce them on the page. But it seems like you have a strong visual idea of your cast, and I'm guessing you have backstories for them, too.
We can see from this chapter that the teens interacting here have some kind of connection and know each other pretty well. You indicated they are all part of the same group, but we have yet to learn what that group does or what its purpose is. I love characters who have each other's backs like these teens do! For the beginning of a story, consider incorporating some more context. Are any of them related to each other? Romantically involved? How do they know each other? Of course, every detail doesn't have to show up right away, but readers will want to know pretty soon what the main thing is that ties these characters together.
Starting with the dream sequence in the prologue helped give a distinction between the dream and the characters' reality. It also hints at action and danger right away. Picking up in the middle of a story like this is something I've seen encouraged as a writing tip. Obviously you don't want to give absolutely zero context so the reader is confused, but I think what you did in this case is a fairly good example. It pulls the reader in by showing that something significant is going on, and then as the story builds, it explains everything.
I noticed you switched the POV tense in the wording before the prologue even ended. At first, you were in third person POV, describing "the boy," as if from the perspective of someone outside looking on, which is what this type of POV does. But then you switched to "me" and "I," personal pronouns rather than third-person pronouns like "he" and "him." I think what you were trying to do is go into the character's head and convey their thoughts. So for that, I'd strongly recommend putting any internal thoughts in italics. Spoken dialogue obviously goes in quotation marks, so italics differentiate between third-person narration, internal thoughts in a character's head, and the dialogue people are actually saying out loud.
This chapter definitely lays the foundation for mysterious events going on! The baffling things we see take place leave us wondering what's behind all this. I think it's especially interesting that you show right away how more than one character is experiencing the same type of weird dreams and after effects.
I would honestly have categorized this story as supernatural or fantasy in addition to suspense or mystery. It sounds like something werewolf-y is going on. Definitely not the kind of stuff that would happen in real life. There isn't anything particularly wrong with the fact that you didn't label it with one of these terms, but from my perspective at least, it would have given me a better sense of context going into the story. But at the end of the day, it's up to you to label it how you think it's best.
Well, I've rambled on for a long time. That's all for now! Take care, and keep honing your writing skill.
OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW! Have you read the first book yet? It explains the teen's relationships, but just to warn you, it is a little (A LOT) fast paced, so some things might not be so good. Yes, I should've labelled it Fantasy, I can fix that! Thanks for your suggestions! It will help me a lot! THX SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BTW, they are in a romantic relationship, and Chapter two is out too! I would love if you can review that as well. And I typed this on Google Docs, using slanted letters for the thoughts, but when I pasted it on here, it just disappeared lol. Thank you (times 100) for your review!