Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Threads Of Destiny, Echoes Of The Pendant Book One-A Guardian's Spirit Chapter One-Twelve

CHAPTER ONE

“Bring me Dylan!” Thorn ordered. Her voice rang out clearly across the Cobra Tribe’s base. “Right away, ma’am.” One of the soldiers scurried off.

The door burst open with a BANG and Dylan walked in. I raised him well, Thorn thought proudly. He was fifteen now and was wearing a jet black hoodie with the hood covering half of his face, casting a shadow over it. Thorn didn’t want anything to do with those unusual blue eyes and black hair.

“Yes, Thorn?”

“Taylor was being very disrespectful to me this morning. He lied to me and then YELLED at me! Can you believe it? YELLED!” Thorn snarled. “I need you to kill him for me, Dylan. The deadline is tomorrow at noon.” “At once, ma’am,” Dylan said quietly and calmly. “I’ll do it at night.” “Perfect! It’s settled then?” Thorn clasped her hands together with a pleased expression.

Late at night, Dylan crept out of his bedroom. He could hear Thorn snoring, fast asleep. In his pocket was a sharp knife, gleaming in the moonlight. He walked down the moonlit street until he reached Taylor's house.

Good bye Taylor. He crept to the back of the house and saw Taylor. Oh, why is he awake? This would make Dylan’s job two times hard. He entered from the back door. Silently and quickly, he sneaked in. Taylor’s back was turned to him. Suddenly, Taylor lunged forward and threw a sharp knife right at Dylan’s heart. He ducked and threw his. It pierced Taylor, and he landed with a thud. Dylan withdrew his knife and placed it back in its place. This was how it always was. Thorn would assign him someone to kill, and he would do it. He has been through so much pain and surprises in training that he was used to it and had developed a cold, calm nature. This was his job. A loyal, cold-blooded murderer.

Dylan touched the scar on his eye. He got that from Thorn when he had disobeyed her. It was to remind him to always be obedient. The people of the kingdom avoid him in fear, knowing that if they did something wrong, Thorn would send Dylan to slay them. He was young, but experienced, agile, and cunning.

Dylan went to Thorn’s room

. “I finished what you said for me to do, Thorn,” Dylan said. “Would you like anything else?” “No, Dylan, that is all for now. Actually, there is something I would like you to do.” Dylan leaned closer. “What is it?” “This is going to be nothing like you’ve ever experienced before, a mission more than what you are doing now. I need you to get accepted into the Eclipse Tribe. I need you to steal the pendant and kill the leader. Then, bring the pendant to me.” Thorn talked smoothly and casually, like it was just a normal conversation.

“Then, I can just take over!” 

Dylan blinked. Then blinked again. “Are you serious?” “OF COURSE I’m SERIOUS! Are you questioning MY ORDERS?” Thorn boomed. “N-no ma’am, I’ll do it as soon as possible,” Dylan said uncertainly.

I know I’ve been through lots of training, but still…I don’t know if I am ready to do something like that! Kill Axel? That’s going to be almost impossible. Of course, he didn’t say it out loud and risk Thorn’s anger again. She’s using me. I’m her most powerful weapon.

Dylan didn’t know whether to feel proud or disgusted. His whole life, he had been obediently following Thorn’s orders, carrying it out without a thought or a question about what he was doing. This was how Thorn had trained and taught him. He imagined himself as the people of Cobra, always in fear of him. I don’t have a choice now. I will have to do as Thorn pleases, or I will be the one killed. This is dangerous, but I’ll do it. For Thorn. Dylan packed himself a knife, a sword, some clothes, food, and water in a black backpack. Here I go.

CHAPTER TWO

The next day, Dylan set off. He met a ferocious cougar, but that was no big deal for him. He had somehow scared it off. Soon, he found himself in Eclipse territory.

“Hi! My name is Milana! What’s yours? I haven’t seen you around here!” A high-pitched, eager voice rang in his ears. He looked to the side and saw a young girl, maybe seven or six, running towards him. He instinctively pulled out his knife. What am I doing!? She’s so young, she’s no threat. Dylan eyed her warily.

Suddenly, a massive weight slammed into him, and he thudded to the ground. He felt his hand lose grip on the knife, which was now pointing straight at his neck. Dylan glanced up. It was a teenage boy, a bit older than Dylan. He had a suspicious look on his face and was glaring at him. That surprised me. It shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have gotten distracted by the girl. Why was I not attentive this time? Dylan scolded himself. He felt blood begin to pour from the spot where the boy was piercing his neck with the knife, choking him.

“You better not try to kill Milana, stranger!” The boy held the knife and pressed it harder into his neck. Dylan made a painful gasp and gritted his teeth against the pain.

“Stop, Saber! Can’t you tell he is not that big of a threat now?”

By now, Dylan’s vision was blurring, and he gasped for air. He had never been beaten before. If only I'd been more attentive… He abruptly felt the knife loosen on his neck and the weight being lifted off his chest. He lay there for a few moments, choking and wheezing. He shut his eyes as he felt the hood being pulled off him. Oh no…they’re going to see my eyes! I have to open them, though…they’re going to think that something strange is going on. He blinked them open and sat up dizzily. “I-I think I’m going to pass out.” He put his head in his arms. The others were staring at him. Staring at his eyes.

“Raven. Remember the legend…the myth?” The one called Saber whispered.

“Yes. Called the Abyssal Flame. Born with eyes like midnight seas, storms obey his silent plea. A pendant glows at his chest—An ancient pulse, shaped by fate’s own hand. He walks where loyalty and lies entwine, with power enough to bend time. His path is lone-to destroy or save. The world hangs still on his final choice, where truth and destiny shape the skies. In the dark abyss, his light remains-a flame unseen, but always free,” The girl called Raven recited.

“I thought it was just a myth,” Milana said in awe. 

“We’ll take him to Axel. He’ll decide what we would do with him.” Saber snapped back from uncertainty, and together, Raven and Saber dragged Dylan as he struggled to get free. Did I just see a hint of fear in their gazes? And what was ‘the myth’ about an Abyssal Flame? He thought hard and couldn’t think of anything that Thorn had taught him. Maybe she didn’t know about it.

“Stop moving, stranger,” Raven snarled, “Or else you will be dead before we reach Axel.” Saber threatened him with Dylan’s knife again. Dylan stopped struggling and reluctantly walked with them to the Eclipse Base. I hope I will have a chance to tell my side of the story. And I also hope I get that knife back. Why was I so stupid and didn’t bring an extra!?

Deep down, Dylan knew that wasn’t going to change anything. He wouldn’t use the knife on Axel’s people, or else he knew he wasn’t ever going to be accepted. A mighty roar interrupted his thoughts. He looked ahead sharply and saw a bear. A grizzly.

Oh great. Another predator? He must’ve sniffed out my blood. Guiltily, Dylan looked down. His hoodie and neck were stained with his blood. He didn’t even realize until now that he was having trouble breathing. I should be fine. 

“AAAGH!” Milana screamed in fear and tried to run away. “No, DON’T!” Dylan grabbed her. “If you run, he’ll chase.” This was what Thorn had taught him when facing off with predators in training.

“Please, let me handle it.” Saber ran towards the bear with Dylan’s knife. The bear growled hungrily and charged towards him. Dylan barged in just in time and pushed Saber out of the way. The bear’s here for me. No one else should get hurt. “Give…me the knife,” Dylan panted.

“Trust me.” “We shouldn’t trust him, he is probably from the Cobra Tribe!” Raven shouted.

“Well, DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE HAVE A CHOICE?!” Saber threw the knife at Dylan, and he caught it. He then threw the knife into the forest. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Saber yelled. Dylan ignored them and knelt in front of the massive bear. “I’m not going to hurt you…don’t hurt us,” Dylan whispered. “We are not prey. Go away and find others.” 

The bear looked confused, then grunted and trotted away. “Thank you.” The others looked shocked. Their shock began to wear off as Dylan walked with them to the Eclipse Base without a word, head bowed. I don’t know what they are going to say about me. I’m waiting for judgment. Don’t do anything wrong and be attentive, Dylan reminded himself.

CHAPTER THREE

By the time they got to the Eclipse Base, the gash in Dylan’s neck was red and painful, even though it had stopped bleeding. Dylan was wheezing and panting for breath. He had never been prepared for this.

They entered the Base. It was gold and silver, unlike the Cobra Base, dull, dark, and grey. Raven pushed Dylan to the ground. He was too weak to protest. He knelt before Axel. I hope I get accepted. If he failed, Thorn would most definitely kill him. “What is the meaning of this?” Axel boomed. 

“We found this stranger roaming around in our territory. He was carrying a knife and was glaring at Milana. Saber attacked him and pulled the knife on him. We thought we would bring him to you for you to decide what to do with him,” Raven declared.

“Good choice, Raven. Good job, Saber,” said Axel. Thorn had never praised or complimented me. And I was not glaring at Milana. They are trying to get rid of me. “What is up with those blue eyes of yours?” Axel asked. 

Dylan struggled to speak and finally rasped out, “I am not sure, sir. I was born with them.” “What’s your name?”

“Dylan, sir.” The soldier beside Axel whispered something to him. He caught ‘blue eyes.’ Why are they so interested in my eyes? I know that they are unusual, but still…something strange is going on. I know it. “Excuse me, sir, may I ask, why are you so interested in my eyes? I know they are unusual, but this much attention is unnecessary,” Dylan said politely. “You’ve never heard of the Abyssal Flame myth?” Axel asked. “I’ve heard it once or twice from Raven and Saber, but other than that…no,” Dylan said. “I can tell you are from the Cobra Tribe. You are well-known, you know? Thorn’s assassin.” Dylan thought with a sick feeling, he knew. He knows that I am her assassin. He’s going to kill me. If I don’t get accepted, I will be wanted in Cobra. Something glinted on Axel’s neck. The pendant! It would be easier than I expected. I lost my knife, but I have a pocket knife too. Perhaps I’ll do it at night, like I always do. “Guard, bring Dylan to the nurse to heal that wound, then to the dungeon,” Axel boomed. He didn’t do it, Dylan thought with surprise, . he didn’t order for me to be killed. So unlike Thorn. “Thank you for sparing me, sir,” Dylan whispered gratefully. “Thorn kills intruders?” Dylan hesitated. I shouldn’t be giving away information from Cobra, but this should do no harm. 

“Yes, she kills whoever enters the territory that is not from Cobra.” The guard grabbed Dylan and walked with him to the healer.

“This looks infected. How long have you had this wound?”

“About three hours ago,” Dylan replied. “It should be fine, Dylan, just get some rest and it will heal soon,” The nurse observed. She put some ointment on the wound, and Dylan walked with the guard to the dungeon

. He knew there was no point in disobeying. The guard locked him in there. Ok, now how do I escape? Dylan started examining the dungeon door the moment the guard left. It was heavy metal, impossible to break through. He started to lose hope. What should I do? I need fire to melt it, and I don’t have any. But…I do have…my pocket knife. Dylan used it to pick the lock. In deep, left, right, down, left, Dylan thought. He was remembering what Thorn had taught him. Suddenly, the lock clicked open. It was late at night. Perfect. BANG! CRACKLE! BOOM! Fire exploded in the dungeon, and burned Dylan’s hand as he jumped and rolled out of the way. The Base is on fire! Another explosion happened near one of the dungeons. Dylan ran towards the door. It was blocked. Dylan turned around to see the flames lapping a centimeter from burning him.

CHAPTER FOUR

“Get away!” He held out his hands and closed his eyes. Abruptly, he could not hear the crackle of flames anymore. Dylan opened his eyes and saw…water. Water rushed from his hands to all the flames, extinguishing all of them in one blow. Dylan was shocked. What happened? He tried again, but nothing happened.

Suddenly, the door cracked open behind him. He pulled out his pocket knife, and sharply turned around.

It was Raven. “Relax, Dylan, it’s only me.” She raised her hands in submission. Dylan slowly put the knife back into place. “How are you still alive?” Raven seemed very confused. “I was almost certain you got killed by the fire!” 

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Dylan held out his hands, and water shot from them again. He was breathing hard. 

“It’s…you…you’re the Abyssal Flame!” Raven concluded in surprise. “How…what?” “You’re the Abyssal Flame,” Raven repeated.

After she explained the myth, Dylan understood. This was why everyone was interested in my blue eyes. This was why they feared me. Thorn never taught me about this. Why? “I understand, Raven,” Dylan said. “But I don’t belong here. I know I don’t.” “You are staying here,” Raven declared. “No choices.” Dylan sighed.

The next few days, the people of Eclipse avoided him, like the people of Cobra. Dylan had his hood back on again. This is the reputation I had built with the help of Thorn. I turned myself into a monster. Dylan heard the sound of a bow ready to shoot. He turned around, ducked expertly out of the way of the flying arrow, pulled out his knife, and pointed it at a man.

“So you don’t fear me, do you? Pretty brave,” Dylan snarled as he pointed it closer. The man was shivering with fear.

“DROP IT, Dylan,” Saber said threateningly. Dylan bowed his head in submission and pulled it back, inches from the man’s face. He put his hands in his hoodie pocket and walked away. I can’t forget about my mission. I will have to do it. Kill Axel. Tonight.

There were two things that Dylan always kept with him. His pocket knife and a pack of cigarettes. He took out one and lit it, leaning against the protection wall. Dylan didn’t always smoke, only when he was stressed, which was hardly ever. “You smoke?” Raven came up to him.

“Not always,” He replied.

He didn’t have friends here. Not like he had any except Thorn in Cobra. Raven and Saber were just keeping an eye on him. Milana avoided him like the Plague.

CRASH! Dylan heard the protection wall cracking, and Thorn burst in. “Cobra Tribe, ATTACK!” This wasn’t part of the plan! What is Thorn doing!?

“Hi, Dylan! This is your time to kill Axel and steal the Pendant! Go!” Dylan ran off and cornered Axel against the wall. He took out his pocket knife. Then, he hesitated. He showed kindness when I first got here. I…I don’t want to kill him. “Sorry, Thorn. I can’t do this,” whispered Dylan. BAM! Thorn barged in and slashed Axel with one, smooth, powerful blow. “NO!” Dylan screamed. “You FOOLISH boy, thinking you can disobey me without consequences? Don’t you remember what happened before!?” “I…I-” Thorn charged at him with her sword and slashed at him. Axel was lying there, blood staining his clothes. I am not her puppet. She can’t use me. This is for Axel. Dylan tried to use his powers, like before, but it didn’t work. Ugh! He grabbed his knife and expertly dodged and swiped. Yet, Thorn was way more experienced. She knocked his knife to the ground with a clatter. I’m weaponless! I’ll have to use physical strength. “RECKLESS! You are not what I trained you to be!” “You TRAINED me to be YOUR PUPPET! You used me to get what you want!” 

Thorn took another powerful swipe and knocked Dylan to the ground. Raven knocked Thorn out of the way. “RETREAT! Cobra Tribe, RETREAT!” “I’ll be back for you,” Thorn hissed at Dylan, “Traitor! I raised you! I’ll kill you next!”

 CHAPTER FIVE

“Axel?” Dylan rasped out the Eclipse’s leader’s name. He slowly got up off the ground and limped towards the beaten leader.

“...Dylan…” “I’m so sorry!” Dylan gasped, horrified. “This is all my fault! I never meant for any of this to happen. I was just obeying Thorn’s orders!”

“This…is not your fault. This is my fate. My purpose, my destiny. And yours is to guard the pendant. I know you have divided loyalty. One day, you will have to choose.”

The pendant lifted off Axel’s neck and rested heavily on Dylan’s chest, glowing an ocean blue. “What!? Wait…no…don’t leave…please…” Dylan knelt beside Axel and whispered, “I will never forget you and how kind you were to me.” Axel’s eyes had a final glow as they went out. Like fire, you blazed through the forest, powerful. Now that the fire is out, a new beginning has started. Rain began to shower down, drenching all those who were watching. Dylan could hear their murmurs of reluctance and uncertainty. He knew they didn’t trust him to make the right decision. But Axel did.

“Why didn’t he choose you, Saber? You are strong and determined! You would certainly be a good leader,” Milana murmured. “I don’t know, Milana, I don’t know. We will have to trust that Axel made the right decision.”

Dylan overheard that and bowed his head. “It’s true. Saber would make a great leader. I don’t know why he chose me. I have divided loyalties, like he said.” I could take this pendant to Thorn. She would be pleased that I have returned. Or she might kill me for the pendant. But Axel trusted me. I don’t want to break that trust.

The next day, Dylan and Raven went out to gather food for the Eclipse Tribe. After a little while, Raven sighed. “We hardly got any food! Let’s separate to find some, more faster.” Raven went into the deeper parts of the forest, while Dylan scouted back and found another way. He had not been long gone before he heard a rustling sound. Warily, Dylan pulled out his knife. “Who’s there? Show yourself!” Slowly, something began to emerge in a circle, surrounding him. Shadow! And Gideon, Steven, Victor, Snake, and Lyla!

“Thorn wants you…” Shadow hissed smoothly, like a cunning snake about to strike. Dylan crouched and held his knife straight at Shadow. I can’t beat all of them! They…they want the pendant! Snake lashed out with his sword. Dylan dodged, but at the same time, Victor swiped at him. The sword cut Dylan’s side. 

He gritted his teeth in pain and fury and threw his knife, knocking Victor down. Shadow charged at him and swiped with her sword. It caught him in the neck. Dylan gasped in pain as the wound from before reopened. Lyla slashed at him, catching him on the shoulder. Gideon was finally able to knock Dylan to the ground.

He was wounded, and was gasping for breath. “How…can…you be so cruel?” Dylan wheezed. “This is how cruel you should be,” Shadow snapped. “You are such a traitor!” 

Gideon stood over him. “We looked up to you. Feared you. But you are a traitor. You betrayed the Tribe that Thorn raised you. Dylan, you should feel lucky. But no. And Thorn will deal with you fairly.” I don’t believe that. “You fought well, former assassin. But not well enough. We are taking you to Thorn, whether you want to see her or not,” Snake hissed. Victor struggled to stand up. “You good, Victor?” Lyla asked. 

“All good,” Victor grunted. Together, Gideon and Shadow supported Victor while Lyla, Steven, and Snake guarded Dylan, making sure there was no escape. Dylan limped along, fighting for breath. The Cobras were sure to deal with him. Not fairly, but how they want to. And Dylan was sure that it was not going to be good.

CHAPTER SIX

The others went for a drink in a nearby stream and left Dylan handcuffed and tied by his neck to an oak tree. He let his head drop while he waited for the others to come back. His neck, shoulder, and side really hurt. He knew that they were more than halfway to the Cobra Base, but he was getting weaker by the minute.

“Dylan, we brought you some water,” Dylan raised his head and looked up to see Steven carrying a jug filled with water. “We thought you might be thirsty.”

“What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway,” Dylan rasped. But he still drank. After that, Shadow and Snake untied him and pulled him up. Dylan looked up, closed his eyes, and swallowed hard. I can barely breathe, or stand up! They continued the walk to Cobra, but slowly.

“Ah, Dylan, I’ve got you in my hands at last, you traitorious assassin!” Thorn paced in front of Dylan, who had collapsed in front of her the moment they reached the Base. “I’m going to carry out my last promise. Slowly. Painfully.” Dylan groaned in pain and closed his eyes, his breath coming in short gasps. 

“But,” Thorn said smoothly. “I will take what is rightfully mine first.” Suddenly, like a snake striking, Thorn lunged forward and grabbed the pendant and forcefully pulled it off with a snap. “N-no…” Dylan whispered hoarsely. I was responsible for it! I can’t afford to lose it! Now it is in the wrong hands. “Guards, take Dylan to the prison and heavily guard him! I’ll deal with him later. For now, I am going to use the pendant’s power. I am going to be the most powerful in all the lands!” Thorn said gleefully. The guards dragged him away. Dylan glanced at Thorn. She was examining the pendant. It was crystal blue with green on the outside.

“Move along!” Steven grunted. They headed down to the dungeon and they threw him in one of the cells, and chained his arms and neck to the wall. “This should be enough, and anyways, his knife is gone and he is weak. There is no way he would ever be able to escape. No one will come to save him. He is traitorous to both Tribes, not just ours.” Shadow snarled the last word, locked the prison cell, and left. He could hear her heavy footsteps going up the stone stairs. Dylan could barely see in the dim light of the prison cell. To make things even worse, he couldn’t breathe. Like at all. His wounds hurt more than a tiger’s bite. He closed his eyes, trying to save some breath. Worst of all, his feelings were hurt and stung by Thorn’s cruelty. I’ve listened to Thorn all my life. Carried out her orders. I was obedient and loyal until now. Doesn’t my life mean anything to her? She really only took me in to use me so she doesn’t have to do any work to gain what she desires. His last thought before he lost all his consciousness was, Why did I ever listen to Thorn’s orders? The pendant is in her hands. I’ve failed the Eclipse Tribe and betrayed the Cobra Tribe. I’m sorry…

CHAPTER SEVEN

“Dylan! Dylan! Wake up!” Someone was gently shaking him. Dylan blinked open his eyes. He was in the same prison cell, but it was even darker than before. He squinted and could just make out a silhouette of a girl. Who is that? Is it Shadow? Or another of the guards or soldiers?

“It’s me, Raven!” A look of recognition flashed across Dylan’s electric blue eyes. “What are you doing here? This is just going to get you hurt,” Dylan groaned.

“What do you THINK I’m doing? Saving you, of course!” She began to untangle the chains around his neck. Dylan rested his head against the wall to make it easier for her.

“You are so reckless, Raven, coming here all by yourself!” “Well, would it be better to just leave you here to die?” Dylan met Raven’s gaze. They were full of warmth. Raven blushed.

“I don’t want you to get hurt. I would die if it makes sure you are safe.” How did I turn into this? From Thorn’s assassin, to a soft teen! “Are your cuts okay?” Raven touched his neck. At this moment, he had almost forgotten about them. Now that she had reminded him, he was aware that they were stinging. Not as bad as before, but stinging. 

“I should be fine,” Dylan said. Raven finished untangling all the chains. Dylan stood up and staggered. Raven caught him. “How did you get all the way down here without anyone noticing?” Raven supported Dylan as he limped to the door. “I used a disguise!” Dylan looked, and for the first time, noticed Raven wearing a black hoodie, just like his. “I claimed to be here to send a message to Thorn! Clever, huh?” “Yes, very clever,” Dylan replied. “But how are we going to escape?” “I told the guard at the door to meet at Thorn’s room in 30 minutes, and to spread the word.” Raven said. “This should give us enough time.”

Dylan and Raven hurried along as well as they could. They’ve managed to make it into Eclipse Territory before they stopped. “Where’s Saber?” Dylan panted. “He doesn’t know. He would think it was also too dangerous for me.” Raven walked alongside Dylan as they made their way to the Base. “I can tell that he likes you,” Dylan smiled faintly. “He listened to you when he first pinned me down, and he makes an effort to hang out with you.” “You really think so?” Raven murmured, and then looked at the ground. “Yes,” Dylan replied simply, but inside, he felt…sad. I don’t know how I feel. Saber has feelings for Raven. Does she like him back? I feel…jealous.

“Where’s the pendant?” Raven abruptly stopped and stared at his chest. He looked down and gasped.

“I forgot that Thorn took it! I’ve got to go back!” Raven hugged Dylan tightly. “No, we can get it later. Eclipse is without a leader.” “I…don’t want to be a leader.” Dylan looked down guiltily. “I can’t. Saber is fit to be one. They don’t trust me, Raven.” Dylan locked eyes with her once again. A glimmer of understanding sparkled in her black eyes.

“Now that I know you, I trust you with my life. So will everyone else. You are not alone anymore, Dylan. You have me. So I need you to trust me now, okay? I know exactly how you feel.”

Dylan smiled for the first time in a long time. “Ok, but how do you know how I feel? You’ve never been me.”

“When I was younger, maybe five or six, I was a thief. I stole other people’s belongings to get enough money to get things essential for my survival. Axel saw my potential, and trained me to be a guard. The others didn’t trust me. But I proved myself in battle and threw them out of danger’s way. That’s how I became what I am now.”

CHAPTER EIGHT

Dylan and Raven reached the Eclipse Base. They were both exhausted. 

“Raven!” A voice filled with fury came from the left. Raven turned to see Saber. “Why’d you leave without telling me? You could’ve gotten hurt!” 

“If I had told you, you wouldn’t have let me go!” Raven said defensively. “Well, at least tell me where you went,” Saber’s angry voice echoed around the Base. He suddenly noticed Dylan standing nearby.

“Why did you bring HIM back?” he snarled. Dylan pulled his hood up and took a step back. “Can’t you see he is not trustworthy? He betrayed Cobra. How do you know he wouldn’t betray us as well?” “Saber makes a good point,” Dylan whispered to Raven.

“You don’t even know him that well!” Raven’s voice was rising in anger. “You don’t know what he’s like! Dylan might seem cold and dangerous, but he is not, I swear!” Saber went silent, staring at Dylan with treacherous and threatening eyes.

“Dylan…where’s the pendant,” Saber hissed. Dylan dipped his head in shame. “I’m so sorry, Saber, Thorn took it from me. I couldn’t stop her.” Saber was turning red from fury. He lashed out with the sword he was holding and knocked Dylan down. Dylan didn’t blame him. The pendant was my responsibility, and I lost it. I deserve this. He propped himself up to see Raven pounce on Saber. A surprised look crossed his face. He didn’t expect Raven to attack him. Saber dropped his sword and dipped his head submissively.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Dylan, you can stay.” 

“Who made YOU leader?” Raven was angry. He had never seen her angry.

“No one…”

“Then don’t give orders!”

The people watching murmured uncomfortably. Dylan seemed to shrink. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t want to cause conflict,” Dylan stammered. “You are not doing any harm, Dylan.” Raven’s eyes softened. Over her shoulder, Dylan could see Saber and could practically hear his jealous thoughts

. It’s clear to me that she likes Dylan. But it’s okay. If Raven doesn’t like me naturally, I will make her like me.

Saber scowled at Dylan. It’s not my fault! I even told her I think you like her! Dylan tried to tell Saber through his glance at him. He didn’t seem to understand and turned away. Dylan sighed.

Then, an ear-piercing scream broke the silence of the night. Dylan whipped around and saw Thorn. Thorn was holding Milana captive. The weird thing was that Thorn had two swirling masses of green on her hands. She had powers. She got them from…the pendant! “DYLAN! YOU’RE MINE!” Thorn lunged at him, with 3 of her guards and soldiers following close behind. Raven ran forward and attacked Thorn. 

“Raven, no!” Saber cried. Dylan took a deep breath. Moonlit tide, rise and flow, mighty oceans, start to grow, by storm or stream I call you near, water’s power, strong and clear. Dylan made a wave motion with his hand and a fierce wave of cold water hit Thorn, driving her back before her powers could hit him or Raven.

“What the-” “The rain falls gently, washing lies away, a rising tide drives villains from the fray, no dark shall hide where clear streams flow, water humbles the cruel and it grows,” Dylan whispered.

“Give. Me. Milana.” “Never!” Dylan made the motion with both of his hands and a humongous wave hit Thorn once again, this time it will knock her back all the way to Cobra. Milana stood there with the pendant, shocked and fearful. “It’s okay,” Dylan soothed. “You’re safe now.” Dylan crouched down and took the pendant as well as examined Milana. “Are you hurt?” “No, I’m not, I’m fine,” Milana said. “Thank you!” Dylan turned to Raven. 

There was something glistening under the moonlight on Raven’s arm. Blood! “You’re bleeding!” Dylan exclaimed. “Come with me.” Saber scowled at Dylan. He ignored him and walked with Raven to the forest. They arrived at a moonlit lake.

“Water can heal you,” Dylan whispered. He gently dripped water over Raven’s wound and just like that, it slowly disappeared completely! 

“Whoa,” Raven said in awe. Dylan took off his hoodie and waded into the cold water. He went under, and came up again a second later. Raven gasped. All his wounds from the earlier battles were…gone.

“Come in,” Dylan said joyfully. Raven hesitated, then took off her jacket and joined him. The water was cool and refreshing.

“I didn’t know you could do this,” Raven whispered. “Water can do anything,” Dylan replied. He looked at Raven. She was looking up at the moon. Her black eyes reflected the starry night.

There was a crunch behind them. Dylan turned. It was Saber! He had tripped over a tree root and fell on dead leaves. Raven started laughing. 

“Clumsy Saber! Never imagined that could be a thing!” Saber turned red in embarrassment. “Hey, Saber.” Dylan came out of the water and put his hoodie back on. Raven did the same.

“What are you doing here?” Raven asked. 

“I wanted to know why Dylan brought you here.” Saber gave Dylan a friendly look. He’s faking. He doesn’t want Raven to know that he hates me. I don’t blame him. I stole his love.

“This is what he showed me.” Dylan stood on the side, watching Saber and Raven as they waded into the water, in deep conversation.

CHAPTER NINE

Dylan, Saber, and Raven walked back together. Dylan trailed behind as the other two talked.  Maybe she thinks of me as a friend and really does like Saber.I’m happy for them. I really am. The moment they reached the Base, Dylan headed towards his temporary room.

“Wait,” Saber called. “Tomorrow we are going to cast stones to see who the people want as leader.”

“Sounds good,” Dylan walked all the way to his bedroom and left the door ajar. Saber did the same. Raven headed towards Dylan’s bedroom.

“Hey,” She said as she came in, closed the lights, closed the door, and climbed into his bed. “What are you doing here?” Dylan muttered. “Go hang out with Saber.”

He didn’t mean to sound bitter, but he did. Raven pulled the covers up on both of them and hugged Dylan. “You know that I like you, right? I consider Saber…as a…friend.” Dylan looked up, surprised. “You do?”

“Can’t you tell?” Raven asked and then punched Dylan playfully. She met his eyes and smiled, snuggling closer. What they didn’t know was that Saber was watching them. His eyes lit up with jealousy and fury, and he turned and stormed back to his room.

The next day, Saber gathered all the people of Eclipse. “We are going to cast stones to determine who you want as leader. There is a pile of smooth, gray stones and you guys will take a stone and put it either on my side, or Dylan’s. Everyone will vote except us.” Dylan watched as the first person cast a glance at Dylan, and walked to Saber’s side and placed his stone there. After another five people did the same thing, it was Raven’s turn. She looked at the stone in her hand, and glanced up at both of them uncertainly.

“I’m sorry, Saber.” She walked over to Dylan and placed her stone at his side. Dylan could tell Saber was trying hard not to lunge at him. After that, Milana, a man, and a woman placed their stones at Dylan’s side too.

At the end of the vote, one of the soldiers counted the stones on each side. Saber went first. “10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20…twenty stones.” “7, 8, 9, 10…ten stones. Saber won the vote!” 

Dylan dipped his head to Saber. “You're the leader now.” He stepped down and walked to the edge of the crowd. “Come and gather food with me.” Saber walked up to him and they walked out of the camp.

Dylan was on high alert. He didn’t trust Saber that much.

“I’ll go look over there,” Saber muttered, pointing left to a deeper part of the forest. “Stay here.” “Ok,” Dylan said, confused. Why would he want me to stay here? Wouldn’t it be faster for us to split up and find food? Although, I did get injured and held captive last time I did this. “We meet again, Dylan…” Dylan looked up to see Snake.

“Get away,” he snarled. “Where’s Saber?”

“Here,” Saber said, approaching with a sinister smile. “Saber…” Dylan said cautiously. “What are you doing?” 

“Raven is mine! You stole her away from me! If they capture you, she will have no choice but to be with me,” Saber smirked. “I made a deal with them.”

Shadow emerged from the bushes. Steven held out his glistening knife. Saraphine gave him a smug smile. They are doing the same thing again! If they catch me, they will make sure I will never escape again. “It was not my fault!” Dylan scoffed. Help me! Grant me the power of wind and sea! “Saber, I don’t want to hurt you! This is not who Raven wants you to be!” “Dylan, you’re weak! What happened to that assassin on the inside?” Saber jeered.

Dylan lunged at Snake and took him down. Saraphine pinned Dylan down. He kicked her hard. She yelped and loosened her grip just enough for him to escape. He scrambled up to see Steven throw his knife at him. He dodged before it could stab into his heart, but it grazed his arm. Dylan sent a blast of water straight at him. He got knocked back. Finally, he was standing face to face with Shadow. “Retreat, Shadow, and bring your minions with you,” Dylan panted. “You have lost this battle.” “I might’ve lost this one, but there are more to come. You will not survive until the end, I can promise you that!”

 CHAPTER TEN

“You are so annoying, Dylan!” Saber snarled. “I will make Raven like me!” He grabbed his knife and cut himself on his hand.

“Saber, stop that!” Dylan cried. Saber closed his eyes in pain. Then, when he reopened them, his eyes were smug. He ran back towards the Eclipse Base. What is his plan? Dylan ran after him. When he reached the Base, the crowd was glaring at him. “What happened?” Dylan asked.

“You tell us what happened!” Raven stormed up to him. “You attacked Saber!”

“What? No! He did that himself!” 

“...No, it was him…” Saber fake-grunted in pain. He was lying on the ground. “I can’t believe you would do this!” Raven accused. Dylan backed away a few paces.

“It wasn’t me, I swear!” She turned her attention back to Saber. 

“Are you okay?” Raven wrapped a piece of cloth around Saber’s hand. Saber gave Raven a loving gaze. “As long as you’re here,” Saber replied.

Dylan couldn’t take this anymore. Saber built his and Raven’s relationship on a bunch of lies and framing! He backed away some more and ran, tears in his eyes.

Dylan didn’t stop running until he was way out of Eclipse and Cobra’s territory. He looked back one last time and turned away. He didn’t belong in either of them.

It was getting late. Dylan had reached a meadow that overlooked the city. Thorn had told him that it was dangerous there and that he should never go. But why should I trust her after what she’s done? He managed to find some wood and a shallow cave deeper into the meadow. Dylan scratched stone with stone a few times, and it lit up with an orange flame. He added the wood he had gathered. Dylan hugged himself. It was cold. His pendant glowed bright, giving him light always.

He didn’t know when he had dozed off, but by the time Dylan blinked open his eyes, it was very bright outside. The fire had extinguished itself. He climbed out, towards the light. Dylan continued his lonely journey to the city. Maybe it would be better there.

By the time he got there, it was almost dark again. “Excuse me,” Dylan asked a lady walking past, “Do you know how to walk to the nearest…’hotel’? Thorn had taught that that was where the city people slept if they were visiting from somewhere else.

“Oh yea. Do you want directions?” 

“Yes please, thank you,” Dylan said gratefully. “Walk straight and when you see the road split, go left, right, then left again.”

“Thank you so much,” Dylan murmured. “No problem.” The lady eyed him. “You look young! How old are you? Do you even have money?”

“Uhm, I’m fifteen,” Dylan replied uncertainly. “I…don’t.” What is that? We don’t use ‘money’ back in Eclipse or even Cobra!

“Where are you from? You can’t go to a hotel without money! They won’t let you!” 

“Have you heard of Cobra? I come from there,” Dylan tried to find the right words to explain.

“Yes! You are so young to be in that!” The lady gasped. “I was raised there.” Dylan didn’t tell her the part of who raised him and that he was an assassin before. Now that I think about it, there is so much more to learn about here. I don’t want to live here. SO complicated. “Nevermind,” Dylan muttered. “Thanks anyways.” Now where am I supposed to go?

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Dylan really missed Raven, however harsh she was when he left. He missed her cheerful, honest personality. Dylan remembered how her eyes glowed, reflecting the moonlit sky. He remembered when Raven had told him she liked him. It had been a week since he had left Eclipse. Dylan had wandered into a lush forest and had built a hut. I have survival instincts, but I have to go. I have to go back. I can’t stay here forever!

The next day, Dylan set off again before dawn, heading towards home. It was too lonely, too quiet without the hustle of the people in Eclipse.

He walked back to the city. The bright lights were blinding him.

He hadn’t walked far when he heard a sound. A faint sound of a girl crying, to be exact. He ventured deeper into the meadow and entered the familiar forest where Saber and Raven and the others gathered food. He went down to the lake, following the faint sound in the distance, and saw a girl.

She had shiny black hair, with her back facing him.

That’s…Raven! “Raven…” Dylan murmured hesitantly. He reached out to touch her shoulder, but then recoiled. He didn’t know whether or not she was still upset with him. Raven turned around. Her eyes lit up with joy when she saw him, and grabbed him in a tight hug. Dylan was surprised, but quickly reacted and hugged her back.

“I’m so sorry!” Raven sobbed.

“You were right!” Dylan didn’t care at this moment. He was overjoyed to see her again. He was grateful to feel her presence, pressing close to him once again. Dylan cried with happiness.

“I didn’t realize how much I missed you,” Dylan said tearfully. Dylan stared into her loving eyes and brushed her dark hair back.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve believed you before. You were right. Can you forgive me?” Raven whispered tentatively.

Dylan looked down, smiled, then, as a response, he kissed her. Raven recoiled in shock and pleasure and leaned into him, kissing him back. Dylan closed his eyes.

The last thing he saw was Raven’s long hair flowing in the rising sun.

They headed back to Eclipse. Together. “What happened to Saber?” Dylan asked. “He’s okay. He’s back at camp.” This is my fate. It is to be with her. But my destiny is still to come. I choose to save. Dylan suddenly understood.

Axel’s fate was to lead Eclipse. To build a strong foundation. Another person will take over and build the rest. Thorn is no longer my leader. I’m no longer her assassin. I don’t have to listen to her orders, or anyone’s at this moment. Raven hugged him and rested her head on his shoulder. Dylan smiled. He got who he wanted. At the start, he would have said this was impossible, and that he wouldn’t ever get this close to someone, especially if the someone was from Eclipse. But now I am free. Finally.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Dylan was nervous to see Saber again. Things didn’t end well last time. Saber was standing in the center of camp when they arrived. Dylan finally got to see Saber again. “I-I’m sorry Dylan. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I don’t know what I was doing. You were never weak. You were courageous. I was the one that was weak, betraying you.” Saber knelt down in front of Dylan. Dylan recoiled in surprise. He did not expect such an answer from Saber, the fierce warrior. “It is not your fault. I knew you were jealous. I don’t blame you.” It felt weird to be saying it out loud. “Honestly, you are a brave warrior. Jealousy drove you to be like that. I truly want you to be the leader of Eclipse.” Saber stood up again. “Thank you, Dylan.

EPILOGUE

“Your life is in danger. You have the pendant. Others will come for you.” A voice whispered. “He bears a pendant of shadow and flame. Those who crave his power will hunt him, whispering his name like a curse. He may fall, but his blood will unleash a storm that none will survive,” Another voice whispered. The boy woke up, gasping in fear. It was just a dream…but I am sure that something is most definitely wrong. Something sinister is about to happen, and I have no power over it.

READ THE NEXT BOOK!

COMING UP:

THREADS OF DESTINY, ECHOES OF THE PENDANT BOOK TWO:

THE RAVEN’S SHADOW

Comments & reviews · 5
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
dragonight9
Review

Hi! This is my review of your first book using my usual format. I’m excited to dive in.
Let's Go!


This was straight dragon FIRE
My favorite parts

-Chapter 1

I love the introduction to Thorn’s character. She seems a lot different than in the prologue. More like a spoiled and vain queen than a dark and devious manipulator. What a petty reason to kill someone, right?
It was also interesting how Dylan's eyes, which she seemed to enjoy so much in the prologue, are now an object of scorn for her.

I enjoyed the brief confrontation in the house with Taylor. It tells me that he was expecting Dylan to kill him after his falling out with Thorn. I happen to enjoy the sneaking, assassin type moments, so it left me wishing for a bit more, but your chapters are short and you fit a lot into them so that’s totally fine. You can always add more detail later if you want.

The first chapter ended well with his new assignment and a confirmation of the relationship he has with Thorn. It gives me a good idea what this book will be about and also draws me in to find out what happens next. Great job!

-Chapter 2

This chapter started off interestingly. It was interesting to see how he scared off the cougar with his power but was immediately bested by Saber the moment he entered the eclipse area. Thorn was so confident in him, I didn’t expect him to be bested so easily. Then again, his skills are not meant for straight up combat so I suppose it makes sense.

I liked the prophecy. It has a good air of mystery and intrigue. The part about walking where loyalty and lies entwine was my favorite.

Dylan’s thoughts about not bringing a knife make me think he is not a very good assassin. At least, compared to other books about assassins I’ve read. But maybe I just have high standards for those in that business.

It also seemed strange to me that the Raven and Saber (who are guards) would have no weapons.

The scene with the bear surprised me. It really made me question how he dealt with the cougar too. I thought he (and the one who trained him) was the type to use violence and killing intent to threaten such beasts into submission. Either killing them or making them leave. But it seems Dylan’s soft heart is already coming into play. Does he have a connection to animals?

The reminder at the end to remain attentive after his recent failure to do so was a good touch at the end of the chapter.

-Chapter 3

It was interesting to me that you mentioned how Dylan had never been prepared for this, bleeding and being captured by the enemy. I would have thought Thorn did since, if he ever failed, this would probably be exactly what would happen. But I loved the descriptors you used at the start (about Dylan’s neck and such). It really got me into the chapter.

I chuckled a bit at a ruler like Axel saying “What is up.” He seems like a nice guy. The comparisons to Thorn were a great way of showing the contrast, which leads me to believe Dylan will switch sides when he realizes how much better things will be if he stays there.

I wonder if revealing that Thorn kills all intruders will come back to bite him some day. Or perhaps it will prevent Axel from attempting to send in spies.

I like how Dylan isn’t trying to fight his way out but rather allows them to imprison him before escaping to do his thing. Unfortunately the base gets attacked. Honestly though, at first I thought he had set off a trap by picking the lock or something. But this should be his chance to prove his loyalty to the Eclipse tribe and gain Axel’s trust.
If he can escape the fire of course.

-Chapter 4

Ohhh! Dylan has a new power! That seems to fit with the whole, eyes and prophecy thing. Is magic a thing in this world then? Or is it just him?

I like how Dylan is starting to accept that he might be the one in the prophecy. And of course the ostracization is well shown too. He seems to listen to the people here and wants to start building trust. This made me think that he was going to try and get close to Axel or get Eclipse to let their guard down before making his move, but he seems to be rushing things. Then, of course, Thorn had to break in and force his hand.

It felt like a big climactic scene just took place as Thorn charges in and Dylan decides to rebel against her. I was a bit surprised how little it took for Dylan to turn on Thorn. Perhaps she was worried about this and decided to try and finish off Axel before he could turn Dylan against her.

I’m sure Thorn is going to regret leaving Dylan alive, but retreating before her enemy can muster a proper defense is a good strategy. I wonder if she will be able to break in just as easily next time (and if she could have just done it herself, why risk letting Dylan be influenced?)

It all makes me curious about the power balance and capabilities of each tribe.

-Chapter 5

What a chapter! A lot of big twists in this one.

I am fascinated by the importance of destiny/prophecy that Axel and his tribe have. He placed all his trust in Dylan because of his eye color. Despite what he is and how briefly they knew each other.

I also am a bit interested in how the Eclipse Tribe will respond to him being their leader, and of course, how they will respond to his capture as well.

The capture scene itself was great. The battle was brief but very well described. The dialogue was a good compliment as well. I enjoyed seeing some more warriors from the Cobra Tribe. I wonder if being born there vs raised, creates a difference in the level of cruelty or if there are kind souls in that tribe too.

After Thorn basically promised to kill Dylan the next time they met, I’m surprised that he wasn’t killed on the spot if Thorn sent them. Unless she had a change of mind. Perhaps if Dylan gives her the pendant, she will accept him back. That would be a great way of providing him with a tempting offer. Just give up the pendant, and everything can go back to the way things were.

-Chapter 6

I was surprised by the care spent to give Dylan water and handle him gently at the beginning of this chapter. I wonder what is going on with them…

I liked how you made it clear that Dylan was unable to resist even when faced with Thorn. It almost sounds like he might bleed out, so I doubt he will escape. Who will rescue him then? One of the Eclipse guards perhaps?

The treatment of Dylan as he is thrown in the dungeon and the way he despairs over his failure were really well portrayed. Nicely done!

-Chapter 7

Raven! I thought it might be her (since they were hunting together) but that also means she probably doesn’t have backup. I loved the warmth in her eyes. It brings some comfort to the situation.
And ohhh! A bit of a blush and giving up her life for him? I see our first ship of the series! And one that I can personally get behind as well. I love kind-hearted girls with dark pasts.

I’m surprised that Dylan noticed Saber’s feelings for Raven. I didn’t, and that makes it all the better you mentioned it here through Dylan. Great job.

I loved the reveal at the end and the deepening closeness between Raven and Dylan. May it only continue to get better from here ;)

-Chapter 8

I like how you started off this chapter with a realistic reaction from Saber. Then another, much deeper reaction, as he figures out that Raven likes Dylan from her defensiveness of him.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Dylan, you can stay.”

“Who made YOU leader?” Raven was angry. He had never seen her angry.

“No one…”

“Then don’t give orders!”
I just wanted to point out how clear this section was about who was talking due to the new paragraphs. Awesome job ;)

Once more, I was shocked by the sudden appearance of Thorn in Eclipse village. (do they have any defences at all?) And now she is wielding some kind of magic! I am excited to hear about how it works later.

Then Dylan starts chanting those awesome spells (at least, I think they are) and he starts controlling the water. It feels like he has mastered his connection to water despite only recently learning of it. Did that incantation and knowledge of how he can use water to heal, just come to him in that moment? A little sudden, but very cool scene nonetheless.

Dylan takes Raven to a private pool session and they take off their clothes to hop in… What?!
Then of course Saber crashes the moment. Whether intentionally or not. I am curious to see how this romance will progress.

-Chapter 9

Similar to the last chapter, Woah! The moment Raven chose Dylan’s door when they were both inviting her in, made me want to say, “hold on a minute!” The romance is progressing a lot faster than I’m used to. (I guess that goes for the story overall too, but it just makes me nervous when people move too fast in relationships).
And of course Saber would be watching.

I was a bit surprised with how the vote went considering Dylan is the main character, but that was a good twist and had me wondering how that will affect future events. Though, I didn’t notice Dylan hand over the pendent after Saber was chosen as leader. Was this on purpose?

Saber’s betrayal was expected, however, I didn’t guess he had already made contact with Thorn overnight, to plan this. The battle was good too. I look forward to seeing how Dylan will deal with Saber after the fact. Especially considering the election that just happened.

-Chapter 10

I love Saber’s plan here. However, I think things will turn nasty if Raven continues to reject his advances past this point. I can see him using his authority to force Raven into a relationship or even abusing her if the story is willing to get that dark.

Dylan leaves and has no place to go. I imagine that will happen a lot in this series. He seems like the type of good guy character where anytime something good happens you can expect tragedy to follow.

I love how you are expanding this world. It seems the tribes are a small and isolated part of the world with big cities and towns being common. Perhaps Dylan will get to see the larger world and have a different perspective on the tribes he knows.

The chapter ends on a great cliffhanger as Dylan starts looking for a new place.

-Chapter 11

Dylan’s missing Raven being his driving force to go back is so wholesome. I thought he would have to sneak in and try to explain himself to win her back in some way. Then he hears the sound of a girl crying and decides to investigate. It seems he doesn’t know who it is at the time which shows he would have helped any crying girl in the woods. What a great guy!

That change from Raven was a little unexpected. I thought she was going to need to be convinced but seeing through Saber’s lie on her own is totally fine. She could even simply be blinded by love and that would be a great reason for this quick turn around, and by her actions to Dylan’s kiss soon after, I’m leaning more towards that conclusion. Rawr ;)

As Raven and Dylan head back to Eclipse, I wonder how hard the path ahead of them will be. I can see Raven being a piller of strength for him in the future that gets him through hard times, and threats to her will end up being more anxiety inducing than threats to the main character.

-Chapter 12 (and epilogue)

This was a great wrap up chapter. You had Saber turn good which surprised me, and made me wonder if he admitted what he did to Raven, causing the events in the last chapter.
I like how Dylan responded, with understanding and forgiveness. But it does seem a bit naive to give Saber no punishment for attempted murder. I wonder if that will come back to bite him later.

The epilogue was really cool. I like how you described the voices whispering in Dylan’s dream. The implication that his death will trigger a massive storm (perhaps because of his powers) is also really interesting. I wonder if he gets his power from magic, a connection to nature, or a god of the sea. I can’t wait to find out!



Some loose scales
My critiques

-Chapter 1

I would have loved a brief description of the Coba Tribe’s base where the first conversation takes place. Even something like “a dark room lit by torchlight, her voice echoed off the cold stone or rotting wood.”

“At once, ma’am,” Dylan said quietly and calmly. “I’ll do it at night.” “Perfect! It’s settled then?” Thorn clasped her hands together with a pleased expression.

I think this should have been a statement rather than a question at the end. Since she is commanding him to do it.

He crept to the back of the house and saw Taylor. Oh, why is he awake?

I would have liked to have a bit of description here. Like, he looked through the back window and saw Taylor (doing something or standing in a specific place like the kitchen or bedroom). If he was standing in a fighting stance in the middle of the house we could assume he was waiting for Dylan but if he was in the bedroom then perhaps it was just chance the following confrontation happened.

When Dylan returns to Thorn’s room I would have loved a brief description of the setting but here that’s less important.
The other thing is that when Dylan is talking to Thorn I imagined her laying in bed while whispering her words to him since this is a secret report. But then she starts shouting when he questions her orders. It totally fits her character, but I think it would be helpful to add that she either sat up as she said that or even jumped to her feet to stand over him and intimidate him with her posture.

-Chapter 2

“I-I think I’m going to pass out.” He put his head in his arms. The others were staring at him. Staring at his eyes.
For a moment I thought he was going to try hiding his eyes by putting his head in his arms since he seemed so worried about the guards seeing them. I think it would be best for a character like this to try to conceal something like this unless the guards directly asked to see his eyes or he was so dizzy he forgot to keep them concealed.

“Trust me.” “We shouldn’t trust him, he is probably from the Cobra Tribe!” Raven shouted.
Who was speaking was a bit unclear here. If you had put the ‘trust me.’ line connected to the previous paragraph it would have been more clear. (Having lines of dialogue back to back can often make it hard to tell who is talking btw)

The bear looked confused, then grunted and trotted away. “Thank you.” The others looked shocked. Their shock began to wear off as Dylan walked with them to the Eclipse Base without a word, head bowed.
I think this paragraph should be separated. Having it say, ‘they looked shocked’ then having, “their shock wore off,” right after it doesn’t give the reader time to acknowledge the character’s feelings before they move on from them. Also, the first part is the end of the scene with the bear and the next is a separate event (Dylan being taken to the base)

-Chapter 3

They entered the Base. It was gold and silver, unlike the Cobra Base, dull, dark, and grey.

The colors of the Cobra base belong to it so you would say ‘unlike the Cobra Base’s…’

Dylan is mentioned as having a pocket knife despite earlier saying that he had no weapon. I think it would be fine if he mentioned earlier that he couldn’t risk revealing that he had the pocket knife (very assassin-like) and that explains why he acted as he did with the bear, but the way you have it seems contradictory and a bit confusing.

There is a long paragraph in the middle of this chapter which was a little hard to read. I would suggest breaking it up into sections. Use a new line when two different people speak in a row. That will help break it up and make it clear who is talking even without mentioning it directly.

Dylan walked with the guard to the dungeon

. He knew there was no point in disobeying.

This paragraph starts with a period.

The time of events is a bit confusing at the end. Dylan started out at the beginning of the day and the way things were worded it sounded like he had reached the Eclipse Base by afternoon or something. Then suddenly, the moment the guard left, it changed to night.
If you had said something like, ‘he picked the lock then waited until the perfect time to strike. He could tell that it was night by (some realistic way) and quietly opened the cell door…’

-Chapter 4

I didn’t find any grammar errors I wanted to point out, so great job!

On another note, I did feel like everything after Thorn broke in was more like a fever dream and had me questioning if it was really happening. I felt like this was a big event but you rushed it and didn’t give me (the reader) enough time to fully let it sink in.
The biggest difficulty was transitioning from the outer wall to the fight with Axel. The entire scene changed but the story and action were already moving on so fast I didn’t know where the characters were and that made it difficult to imagine what was going on.

One other thing is how Dylan seemed to trust Raven enough to share his new powers and not kill her to go do his job. Then a little later Dylan says that he doesn’t trust her/see her as a friend, which was a little confusing.
On that note, I thought the base was being attacked (hence the fire in the dungeon) but all that noise seemed to be nothing, until the Cobra tribe attacked. Were the two events connected? If so it would be nice to show it better in the story.

-Chapter 5

Axel’s eyes had a final glow as they went out. Like fire, you blazed through the forest, powerful. Now that the fire is out, a new beginning has started.

I felt like the second and third sentences here were meant to be spoken by a character. Perhaps one of the mourning guards.
The comparison to the rain right after was good, but I think it would have been better to put that on a new line since it is talking about the spectators rather than just Dylan and Axel. (But that is just my preference, it works as is).

“We hardly got any food! Let’s separate to find some, more faster.”
The comma between ‘some, more’ should be after ‘more’. Or you could say: “Let’s separate. We can find more food faster that way.”

I was hoping to get a bit more about how Raven feels about having Dylan as their leader (I assume that’s what happened when the pendant was given to Dylan). But the dialogue was too brief to get a sense of it.

You betrayed the Tribe that Thorn raised you.

This is a bit off. It could be: “You betrayed the Tribe of Thorn, the one who raised you.” You don’t need to include Thorn’s name, simply referring to her as ‘the one who raised you’ is enough to know who you are talking about.

-Chapter 6

This chapter was great! I have no corrections other than one minor thing… The last paragraph is a bit long and could be broken up by having a new line after “He could hear her heavy footsteps going up the stone stairs.”

Awesome job!

-Chapter 7

I would have loved to see something about cold. Like, cold chains or cell. So that it could contrast to the warmth of Raven and her kindness.
Also,
Dylan met Raven’s gaze. They were full of warmth.
You can say, IT (her gaze) was full of warmth. Or you can say, Dylan gazed into Raven’s eyes. THEY were…

I have been really surprised by the relationship between Raven and Dylan in this chapter. It was clear they like each other (and there may be a love rivalry later on), but the last time they were together (during the hunting trip), I thought she disliked and distrusted Dylan, so the change felt a bit sudden. So, if she already trusted him back then it would be great if you made that clear so this relationship doesn’t feel so sudden. (but this is a minor issue and totally up to you of course)

They’ve managed to make it into Eclipse Territory before they stopped.
“They” not “They’ve”. Also, the quick cuts from deep in the dungeon to back at Eclipse base make it seem as though they are quite close, but the journey back to Cobra base makes it seem longer. As a reader I am finding it a bit hard to understand the distance and difficulty of the journey between the tribes.

-Chapter 8

. It’s clear to me that she likes Dylan. But it’s okay.

The period at the start. Also, this seems more directed at Raven than Dylan. Or perhaps Dylan is reading a lot into it? I actually like this line a lot. And this was the only correction I have for this chapter. Great job!

-Chapter 9

The story overall is progressing nicely, if a bit fast, and I’m able to follow it. The only small correction I have is that Dylan fought the same villains a short time ago and seems to have suddenly gained the power to defeat them without much change or growth in him. The battle at the end of this chapter seemed off to me. The villains gave up too easily. Sure, Dylan has his new power, but he only stopped two of them (and barely at that) so it is hard to accept they would give up without tying, especially with Saber helping them.

The rest of this chapter was fantastic! Keep up the good work.

-Chapter 10

There was only one thing in this chapter I might improve, but of course, this is up to you.
It was cold. His pendant glowed bright, giving him light always

This was a great line but I feel that it could have more impact if you had a pause before ‘always.’ You could use … a new line or even a simple comma.

Also
“Oh yea. Do you want directions?”
Did you mean to say ‘yeah’ or ‘yea’?

-Chapter 11

At the beginning Dylan walks back to the city and it is bright. I was under the impression the city was really far away and not having bright lights (the time period seems medieval). If it was bright because of lots of lamps, candles and such, you could say “the brightly torchlit/candlelit city” or something.
Secondly, he hears Raven from what seems like a very far distance. Either Dylan has hearing better than a cat, or the city is far closer to the tribes than the last chapter made it appear.

“He’s okay. He’s back at camp.” This is my fate. It is to be with her.

I think it would be best to put Dylan’s thoughts here on a new line since it seemed like Raven was saying this. Also, if this is Dylan’s thoughts, you should italicise them or if not, don’t use words like ‘my’.

-Chapter 12 (and epilogue)

Dylan was nervous to see Saber again… Dylan finally got to see Saber again.

You have this same line twice close together. If flows a bit smoother if you could use different wording to describe it the second time.

I was honestly a little disappointed by Saber’s turn around. He was building up to be a great villain, though he would also be a good ally or rival for Dylan. Maybe I just enjoy a good villain, but from the little I know of him it just seemed out of character.
The only explanation I have in my head cannon, is that Raven found out Saber was lying and rebuked him. Saber then meekly apologized and accepted that he was in the wrong.
But that’s just me and I could be way off and Saber is just an honorable person like that.



As mighty wing soar overall

This first book has shown me amazing creativity and story. You have a very interesting world here and I look forward to learning more about it.

I would suggest taking more time to add descriptions and develop scenes but you can go back and do that later if you want.

Your characters are recognizable and passionate, though I would love to see more separation of the dialogue so it is clearer who’s talking. This is minor though, and I was able to tell pretty easily as I read it myself.

The magic of Dylan and the pendant are intriguing, and I look forward to seeing how it all works. Right now it seems practically overpowered, and that’s without the pendant.

Final wisdom of the scaled one

After reading this, it feels like you are going to be improving by leaps and bounds with every story you post. I can tell you have the makings of a great writer with just a bit of practice and refinement.

Keep writing this fire story and may the flames of your inspiration never go out.

O.M.G. This is such a a descriptive review full of suggestions and compliments!!! Thanks SO MUCH for taking such a long time and effort into this review. You are awesome. I promise I'll take your tips far along my path as a writer...your reviews are stunning. THANK YOUUYUUUUUUEGBSNDJSBSBSSHSV!!!!!!

User avatar
AlexWrites
Review

Hey there, CATS! Your reviews always make my day. On today's occasion of Review Day, I thought to return the favor by looking at some of your work for a change. The enormous points are an added perk too, like no joke but four digits are officially wilddd. But I assure you, I plan to earn them! Definitely not planning to beat the Aliens by using these very points and your own work to my advantage mwahahaha. Let's jump right in.

Chapter 1

The first thing that caught my attention was the effortless flow of the story. It's a little quick paced, but not in a bad way. It feels like a silhouette drifting away like wind, purely enchanting. The hold Thorn has over Dylan is undeniable and the scar near the eye was a fabulous way to depict it. Everytime Dylan's fingers touch it, he's painfully reminded of the consequences of disobeying Thorn. As a result, Dylan lives in the captivity of fear in his mind, following her every command. I specifically liked the scene where Taylor's couterattack didn't faze him one bit and did not prevent him from smoothly executing his plan. It goes on to show his skillful training and ability to handle surprises in the mission. Additionally, the mention of murdering Axel affects him more than a knife being thrown at himself. It speaks volumes to the significance and fierceness of this foreign character,rather subtly. Still can't believe I've already read a murder and the order for next, and I've barely finished a single chapter.

The dialogues could use a little work though, I could spot the inverted commas missing at a lot of the places, causing some confusion. I noticed you use italics for inner thoughts, I think it's a good way to make a distinction. The language is not character compelling, but nothing that won't do. I do think however that the story till now severely lacked some backstory, like how did we end up here? Maybe we get it in the upcoming chapters, in which case I have nothing more to say.

Chapter 2

Okay, this one was even more eventful! Apparently Dylan is not the best of fighters afterall, considering Saber defeated him in mere seconds.

“Stop, Saber! Can’t you tell he is not that big of a threat now?”


Damn, Raven's savageee. XD Poor Dylan though, stripped of his delicate pride.

Holding a knife to a main character's throat is such a badass way to start a chapter, I absolutely love this! The legend about the Abyssal Flame was so very intriguing, I'm curious if it actually is about Dylan considering the eyes fit the description. The bear attack was unexpected though, do predators actually work like that or is Dylan special that animals understand him- maybe the myth would reveal more later.

No new suggestions. Found some faulty quotations, nothing much. To cite an example-

“Trust me.” “We shouldn’t trust him, he is probably from the Cobra Tribe!” Raven shouted.


The first line sounds Dylan's but you fail to clearly state so. From how it's written, it sounds like Raven's instead.

Chapter 3

I like the contrast laid between Thorn and Axel here. Unlike Thorn, Axel compliments his guards for doing their jobs and even spares the life of intruders. I could feel my heart beat faster as Axel revealed that he knew Dylan, I thought it meant the mission had failed. But I'm excited to see how he'd get out from this situation. Will he still befriend the Eclipse tribe or simply kill Axel, steal the pendant and make a run for it? Only time will tell. It's fascinating to see Thorn's teachings come in- first with the grizzly bear and now with picking the lock. She's clearly a woman of many talents. The fire came as a shock, I wonder why it broke out and what does it mean for the future. No specific suggestions for this one, the technical things looked more or less fine.

Chapter 4

WHOA! This chapter was something else, entirely. Turns out Dylan is the Abyssal Flame, just as I suspected. It looks like the fire awakened his powers. But it doesn't answer what caused it in the first place - was it planned or accidental? Thorn charging was certainly a huge twist though, I wouldn't have anticipated it in a million years! And gosh, Dylan stood up to her finally. It was a long time coming but I wonder what this betrayal is cost. Thorn and Dylan are on opposite sides now and Thorn has announced she wishes to slay Dylan as punishment for this defiance, the idea is so thrilling I can't wait to read what happens next. Still can't believe Axel is dead, just like that- didn't expect it to happen this easily and early in the plot.

One thing I found odd was Raven and Saber being almost ok with him wandering around, even after discovering he's the Abyssal Flame. I think some even severe confinement would've been in order but nothing follows. Also, Axel's death feels pretty anti-climactic. Much tension wasn't built to it so it felt too cheap and shallow. I would've expected a tribe leader, equal to Thorn in rank to put up a fight or resist but we don't see it all. All of Dylan's previous doubts about carrying out this murder successfully now seem misplaced.

Chapter 5

Axel's last words sounded so very... final. He's accepted death, as he puts his faith in the legend and Dylan- to make the right decision when the time comes. It's like he knows what happens next, and is aware he must die for it. Spine chilling. I didn't imagine Dylan to be the new Eclipse leader. I do think I get it though, why him and not Saber or Raven- it's clearly got something to do with the legend. The choice was simply Axel's to make, it was written down in fate long ago. It endearing to read how Axel's kindness made Dylan's loyalty divided between a tribe where he was raised and one he got in mere days before. The pendant is now willingly his, but he doesn't wish to return it to Thorn. He is torn, as he realises it might be too late and she might kill him afterwards anyways plus he doesn't want to break Axel's trust - such a dilemma. His abduction by the Cobra's was another hit now, I do wonder what will happen next.

Personally, I'd have liked to see more of the Eclipse tribe's reaction towards Axel's death, like why does it seem to bother Dylan more than Saber or Raven and the others, despite him being essentially an outsider? Makes no sense, considering he even had a likeable personality unlike Thorn, surely that should've earned him the love of his tribe. Also, there isn't much backlash to Dylan's being the leader either. Sure, people aren't happy about it but I would've guessed an entire mutiny by now, maybe Saber duelling him for the leadership as he finds Axel's decision unfair and nonsensical. A little more turmoil should've followed such a big transition of power, is all I'm suggesting, not just plain side eyes.

Chapter 6

I genuinely feel bad for Dylan here. Being dragged and prisoned first by the Eclipse tribe and now by the Cobra's. His ill fate seems to catch no break. Not much action in this one to comment accept hitting the rock bottom. To realise he was used and thinking that even after all these years of faithful service, he has no worth to Thorn must hurt much worse than all his fatal wounds. Everything has turned South and this time, he has no means to escape. But there is hope, for it's not the end.

I’ve failed the Eclipse Tribe and betrayed the Cobra Tribe. I’m sorry…


This was undoubtedly my favourite lines. Flawless choice of words and indulging phrasing. It really shows how he's messed up on both sides now, with nowhere to go.

Chapter 7

Raven to the rescue it is! Though I'm not sure the disguise was that clever, it could've used some refining. Do I finally smell loveee? ^-^ OMG Raven and Dylan have a spark, they're BLUSHING. It is a little strange though, how did this mysterious action story to a teen love triangle? XD It was sweet to read Raven's monologue though, how she relates to Dylan's delicate position in the Eclipse tribe. I get her concern for Eclipse tribe being leaderless and Dylan's thought that Saber would be better for the job. Both these thoughts were very understandable and naturally relevant.

Chapter 8

Umm.. let's just say I've got opinions and they're not specifically good and positive. Starting with -

If Raven doesn’t like me naturally, I will make her like me. I stole his love.


Excuse me, but what was this? ;-; It's awfully cringe and that's me being generous. What started as a cute edge in the previous chapter has now turned into a cheesy love story. I feel the romantic elements to be severely forced and unnecessary in your story, it would've worked so much better without it as they serve no role in the plot at all. My suggestion - just chop it all off, you don't need it. There's no need to put in genres that don't belong, the fantasy action thrill carries the story amazingly well on its own.

Next, Dylan's powers. Like suddenly he's an expert and overly aware of them? He hasn't trained on how to harness or knew anything about it when he broke out of the Eclipse prison (mind you, he couldn't even properly control it then) so how does he suddenly have all this unexplained knowledge now? I feel like you missed this really big plot hole, there needed to be at least some justification for it. And if he really was this versed in them, why struggle with his wounds all this time when Saber attacked him? I feel like this chapter wasn't that well planned and needs lot of work.

Chapter 9

Maybe she thinks of me as a friend and really does like Saber.I’m happy for them. I really am.


Well this is becoming rather bothersome. Even if I keep the relevancy of the romance aside, I can't get why Dylan seems to push Raven towards Saber. Him and Raven clearly have more of a tension while to me, Raven and Saber almost seem like siblings with their continuous arguing. Why is he so insecure and pathetic here when he clearly has a better shot? I think at this point, the narrative is hanging near the cliff of vain romantic sacrifice that is logically hollow.

He didn’t mean to sound bitter, but he did.


I like how subtly you showcase jealousy here. I may not agree with how the events are unfolding as of now, but I must appreciate some good writing when I see it.

“You know that I like you, right? I consider Saber…as a…friend.” Dylan looked up, surprised. “You do?”


My head is buried deep in the pillow of the embarrassment. ToT At least it's over though..

Other than the romance bit, I liked this chapter more than I thought I would. Specifically the stone casting, as it somewhat coincides with my opinion of the Saber being too stubborn to give up the tribe's leadership this easily. Saber winning was also predictable as a reader.

Why would he want me to stay here? Wouldn’t it be faster for us to split up and find food? Although, I did get injured and held captive last time I did this


Love the chain of thoughts here, I wondered the same things! Based on pure logic and skepticism of a person not particularly fond with you- very understandable.

“Raven is mine! You stole her away from me! If they capture you, she will have no choice but to be with me,” Saber smirked. “I made a deal with them.”


My, my- another perfectly concealed villian is now revealed! I always thought of Saber ss grumpy, but didn't imagine he was capable to stopping this low. Now I finally get a hint of why the story involves romance - it's to give Saber a motive in this scene. So ingenious and farsighted of you, I'm genuinely taken aback by the depth of planning this scene took. But I think it's all a bit anti-climatic as the attack goes nowhere. Still, I'm happy with the thinking this scene took, what it reveals and the thrill of its future consequences. So even if all this leads to no real result, I believe the process was really very worth it! Great job, keep it up. What I thought this work's biggest flaw has now been turned into a stepping stone for the fresh mystery and suspense in the future chapters, did not see that coming one bit.

Chapter 10

Such a devious plan to slit your wrist and framing Dylan. Saber is even more evil than I thought.

As long as you’re here,” Saber replied.


Ewwww but character appropriate so well done.

The turn towards the city was totally unforeseen, not complaining of the change in scene. Thorn gaslighting him into thinking the city is dangerous makes so much sense as he'd never explore it then. Unfortunately for her, the Dylan now knows better than to trust her. Lol it sounds so funny that he knows what a hotel is but not money, It's surprising that the tribes didn't have any form of currency but it makes so much sense, they don't need it considering the forest harbours pretty much everything they could ever need. The lady knows Cobra? That came as a surprise, I wonder in what capacity she served and if she also knows Thorn, it'd make the story so much more interesting!

Chapter 11

This chapter was unusually heartwarming. Like I've been yucking the romance the entire story, but this chapter about Dylan and Raven missing each other was rather endearing, so beautifully written. Their emotions are so elegantly and gently placed, I was completely immersed. Never thought I was gonna say this but I'm officially a shipper now. Ravlan or Dylven? Ahhh both are adorable! I'm always happy for how far Dylan has come - from Thorn's miserable pawn to his own guy with a girl he loves. I like him repeat he's free, it resonates with the legend and suggests events are finally taking shape.

Chapter 12 & Epilogue

Just a little more, god I'm exhausted. Dylan and Saber reconciling- a good scene to read, glad to know they sorted their issues out. Saber sounds truly apologetic and well, I stand by Dylan's support of Saber as the Eclipse leader. He's a superior choice to Dylan for so many reasons. First he's a local so he knows the place and people like the back of his hand, making leading the tribe effortlessly easy. Secondly, his strength - afterall he did knockout Dylan on their first encounter so he's undeniable strong. And when he's not consumed by jealousy, he's also a pure hearted soul. But despite all this, he's no match for Thorn. She even beat Axel when he had the pendant so I'm sure she can overpower Saber too. I'm of the strong opinion that Saber needs Dylan's protection for the safety of his tribe, in case Thorn seeks revenge. But it also places a target on the Eclipse as she'll hunt after the pendant again, and guessing from the epilogue I'm guessing even more forces are about to chase after it. So in a way, Dylan also needs the support of Saber and the Eclipse tribe. Together, they both stand stronger and even make a strong to rival against Thorn. Dylan's powers and Saber's tribe force are a great team together.

I certainly would've expected more from the closing chapter, perhaps a cliffhanger. But the dream comes close as there is a second book waiting to be read. All in all, great work but could use some improvements. The plot twists and thrill were so unpredictable, I was kept at the edge of my seat the entire time. It's so amazing you could think of these many fresh ideas without them seeming repetitive or exhausting, that is no easy task I'm sure! The language could be better at points and the quotations need to be reviewed in the initial chapters once. The romance looked a bit forced at first but by the end, I could understand why it was introduced and that it really played a vital role to the events of the story along the line. The characters are so rich, each so peculiar and humane. Thorn has got to be my favourite due to her ferocious personality but I liked Saber's character development the most, he grew so much for the the better. Now while you read this, allow me to pass out on the couch. Reviewing this has drained me a lot more than I thought I would. I'd usually say I look forward to doing this again but I'm not sure I can handle it again, phew. But it was an absolute pleasure to review. I'll definitely try to read if you've got some shorter works in your portfolio. Have a good day, CATS and thanks for sharing this awesome story with us.

Regards
Alex

Thank you so much for your tips and suggestions! Also your compliments brought a smile to my face at seven in the morning. I will take them to good use next time. It's true, I kind of rushed on some of the chapters...I should really take my time, huh? Thanks SO MUCH for another one of your long reviews full of description and detail!

User avatar
teriyakisushi
Review

Hi! First off, I really liked the premise of this story. A dark horse, sent out to take down another enemy tribe, but making a real, human connection there instead, has a lot of scope for development. Considering that your story leans towards fantasy, world-building is always essential. It would have been nice if you had delved more into the kingdoms(or territories) of the tribes, the city, maybe how their base camp looks like, flesh out side characters, how Dylan makes friends/foes and an emotional connection with characters like Raven, or Axel. Maybe extend the scope of Dylan's prowess, maybe play around a bit how Dylan adjusts with his new powers. Overall, it seemed to short for something that could be so vast! This world could be as big as Prince of Persia :D


If I had to point out some things:
1. Thorn and Dylan seem to have a relationship built on fear/forced respect? Maybe Dylan's had a tough time growing up with Thorn and the Cobra Tribe, could be explored?
2. The people of Eclipse don't seem forgiving, but also seem to be a closer knit community, that respect each other, and care for each other. How does Dylan fit into that?
3. Raven, Saber, Axel, maybe some other friends Dylan makes along the way; their characters and their relationships with the protagonist don't seem to be fleshed out enough.
4. In fact, Dylan himself is a mysterious character here. We don't even know enough about our main guy here either!


What I'm trying to say is, the story is too fast paced? Things develop so quickly, like one second Axel's throwing Dylan into the dungeons, and the next he's passing on this entire community to a boy who's barely been here long enough to know everyone's names! There's something missing there.




Your writing is quite nice, not very repetitive, but again, the full potential of your writing can be taken advantage of if you were to expand this story more. I'm looking forward to your next book, maybe you'll delve into all these details there!

Thank you for giving me tips to improve my writing. I should've included more tribes and more territory, plus more descriptive writing, you are absolutely right! This is my first book and I am 13, maybe that is why. But I will make sure your tips will come to good use. I am looking for tips to improve, and I will improve it. I REALLY appreciate your review! I ran out of things to write about (lol) in Chapter 12, so I just decided to end it there. Thanks :D

:) I remember my first work in middle school, I was so embarrassed reading back on it a week later that I deleted it all together :D But your writing has real potential, I'm really looking forward where this goes.

Honestly, FOR REAL. I wrote a book like 4 years ago, and I read back and it was so embarrassing lol. I used to copy off Warrior Cats and Wings Of Fire to make my "own" book series, but it never turned out great and I just gave up on it. Soon, I found out the only way to get something completely original was to write down my daydreams that happened since I was 9. It's okay, I think you will be a better writer now that you are older <:D

Lmao, the more original, the better!

Can you give me examples of how to make my story even better? I just reread some of the things to point out part of the review. There is something missing. The problem is, that I don't know how to fix it.

Some tips maybe? I'm currently working on book 2 the Ravens Shadow

Yes! Of course. I don't know what tips to give you tho XD I'm not that experienced myself. I will try to come up with something.

User avatar
velvetcatsz
Comment

Btw, I don't know why I just didn't post the entire story the first time. It is a novella, short for a chapter book. Fun fact: This entire story came from my daydreams, completely original :D



I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King